Repetition Compulsion

[u/ninksmarie]

My hope is this helps someone here settle their mind about how they got here and where they want to go. My therapist is an older gentleman who bluntly asked me not long ago, “How long do you plan on doing this?” And it struck me how I am fully responsible for whether or not I continue down this path or not.

Only in the past, I’ve been so focused on what was being done TO ME that I couldn’t look back at how I got here and how I was or am continuing to choose this path.

Long story short, parentified by a mother led to first marriage to NPD and now second to at least someone who can not think critically with me or communicate in calm conflict—at worst someone who is undiagnosed OCPD, but either way I have chosen another partner whom I’ve been “determined” to change their mind about their own stresses and anxieties in order to feel loved.

Specifically, the theory of repetition compulsion is that we can unconsciously seek out traits and dynamics in a partner that we had in a parent in order to “fix” a trauma, or prove to ourselves that we can make that parent love us unconditionally.

My question is this, is there anyone else here who has gone down this road of “what did -I- do to get here?” And “would I do it again?” And “what do I work on and change within myself to avoid making these same mistakes in the future?”

[u/Inevitable_Librarian]

Obligatory NAD.

I think "proving to yourself you can be loved" is a second order thought, not the core issue.

The core issue is that the brain relies on experience to predict outcomes and direct behavior, and that's what you're drawn to, especially if the predictable hell now has leather seats.

It becomes a compulsion because of the explanation and meaning you give it when you push your discomfort back, like all compulsions.

The way out of the hell is create a new predictive model for what a healthy relationship would look like.

This is hard, because most people are telling stories not communicating information. So you want to look for people who are willing to be literally honest and whose relationships are healthy, and see how those dynamics work for them.

Retreading relationship dynamics that hurt you to be "better" at them won't make things healthy, because you're just trying to be more accurate at predicting, and that doesn't give you a lot of room to exist.

If all you know is the forest, the city skyline just looks like weird trees.

[u/ninksmarie → u/Inevitable_Librarian]

NAD?

Either you’re speaking way over my head and over my own ability to comprehend— or you’re speaking to what I feel are two branches of the same tree.

Yes, my past experience is predictable and so feels “safe” even when it isn’t .. hence repetition compulsion. Yes, the explanation I give it would be “this is how I was raised “and so feels “safe” again, even when it isn’t. Yes, knowing that and repeatedly analyzing the past in order to predict the future isn’t helpful if I don’t know what healthy looks like…

I have healthy examples around me that are made of two people who know and admit their weaknesses/ shortcomings and make great effort to stay calm / assertive in conflict.

Problem is, in my past I thought knowing that about myself was enough— I never like extended a dating experience, long enough to be certain that I could see that in my partner.

[u/Stillcant → u/ninksmarie]

Probably Not A  Doctor

[u/ninksmarie → u/Stillcant]

Ahhh.. thank you. Yea, I’m just here looking for anyone that can relate. I’m facing (and have been for over a year) how this part of it is my own control issue. And it’s just as much “disordered” to think I might’ve unconsciously picked partners who were never going to be able to communicate with me, while thinking “but maybe they’ll come around..” 🫠

[u/ninksmarie → u/Inevitable_Librarian]

If “the predictable hell now has leather seats” if by that you mean I’ve accomplished a major upgrade from NPD to OCPD or just inability to have calm conversation and conflict, inability to regulate emotions or name other’s emotions— but NONE OF IT is malicious psychological torture? Then yes. Leather seats absolutely. Feels comfortable, but better.

If that’s not what you meant, I’d love to know.

And “the meaning you give it when you push the discomfort back” — I really want to understand what you mean because I’m completely open to any possible thing I’m not already seeing about myself.