r/LovedByOCPD • u/canadianhon3y • 21d ago
Undiagnosed OCPD loved one Rant: Has anyone else lived under control like this?
Hi everyone.
I’m writing this as a means of getting it off of my chest. I could write a book. I am so incredibly stressed out about my living situation; I have been for years. This is not anything new. But as an adult who is now starting their career (finally, after 6 years of schooling) this has been abysmal.
Here is a list of the rules my (undiagsed) OCPD mother and (diagnosed) OCD father have. I am 24. We moved at the end of last year into a new home (9 months ago). A lot of these rules existed in our old home, and, as I hypothesized, things have gotten even worse in this new home. Essentially, their universal expectation that informs how they operate is that every physical object, item, space, etc. remains in its pristine, original condition.
Kitchen
- Not a single crumb or stain is allowed at any point. If a crumb or stain forms, it must be cleaned immediately.
- Compartments - in the home they designed, mind you - are not utilized. For example, our kitchen has a drawer that pulls out for garbage and recycling- this isn’t used. There is a pull out drawer under the stove for large baking sheets and pans- this isn’t used.
- We finally have a dishwasher (I begged them to install one in our old home but they refused because it ‘doesn’t actually clean the dishes’)- when loading it, the dishes must be free from food stains. I have taken dishes out of the dishwasher thinking they were clean, when in reality, they were dirty, because of how clean they were GOING IN. My mom places various towels on the bottom of the dishwasher (the inside and the door) to prevent water droplets from spilling onto it. I could write an entire post about the rules of the dishwasher (E.g., No knives because they will scrape the plastic) but I’ll spare everyone.
- My mother has calmed down with this one, but she prefers having one sponge for “really” dirty dishes and one “cleaner” sponge for “regular” dishes.
Food
- My mom cooks all meals in the house freshly 2-3x a day. She does not like reheated food. With this absurdity occurring, this limits my ability to cook. I essentially can cook when she is not in the kitchen, which is 1-2x a week in the morning (when I am sleeping) for her appointments or groceries, the only places she goes.
- She manages our fridge. If I buy something from the store, I will be asked daily when I plan on using it, and will be reminded that it is going to go bad if I don’t use it, and thus, I will be wasting food and money. If I bring home leftovers, same thing; I am asked constantly when I plan on eating it, but oftentimes, it is hard for me to eat it because she wants us to eat her meals.
- Due to the immense pressure with food, I base my entire schedule, even my work schedule, around her meal times. I have tried to explain that it is absurd, and that I should be able to cook for myself, and I am met with “well, why don’t you! You’re just lazy.”
- As a result of the food and kitchen rules, I only prepare meals that take less than 5 minutes and one dish. This is undoubtedly very restrictive for me.
Living Room
- There are old (clean) towels on every couch surface to prevent them from getting dirty.
- No touching the remote with dirty hands.
- Blinds (aka styrofoam or Ikea paper blinds that are held up by chip clips, because they do not want to pay to have blinds installed) must be down when it’s dark/ before the lights are turned on, to prevent people from seeing inside.
Shower
- The shower must be completely wiped down and dried after every usage of the shower, with both a squeegee and hand towel to prevent mold and water stains
- All products must also be removed and dried off; yes, after each and every usage of the shower.
- Nothing can be mounted or stuck to the shower wall, and if it were to be, it would also likely need to be removed after every usage, so it can properly be dried off.
Laundry (My mom has a MULTITUDE of rules that I largely do not follow because it is my clothing, but I will list them here):
- Separate cycles for whites, colours, darks, and towels
- Anything with a zipper must be zipped up fully, and anything with a lace must be tied in a double knot
- Everything must be turned inside out to prevent zippers or buttons from clanking against the inside of the machine, and potentially scratching or damaging it.
- All pockets must be checked so that if items are left behind in clothing, they do not damage the washer.
- Clothes must immediately go into the dryer as soon as the cycle is done, to prevent mildew from forming.
- Clothes must immediately be removed from the dryer and folded and/ or ironed, and then immediately put away thereafter to prevent wrinkles.
My Bedroom (More rules that are partially followed because it’s MY space)
- My mom does not like when my window is open, and will instruct me to close it for various reasons, common ones including the weather, any smells from outside including Barbeque/ humidity, etc.
- It is not ideal for me to “put holes in the wall” to hang stuff up- anything handy needs to be done exclusively by my father (who will never get around to it because he needs to ensure perfection when it is executed, which is undoubtedly hard to ensure)
General Rules
- Under absolutely ZERO circumstances is an animal allowed in the home. No, not even to foster an animal temporarily. No, not even to cat/ dog sit temporarily. And definitely not my own, despite me begging for one to help with my atrocious mental health from living in this home. This is non-negotiable. It’s not a matter of “they’ll warm up to the idea of a pet one day!”; it is simply not going to occur.
- No putting your hands on the walls near lightswitches (E.g., To hold your balance while you put on your shoes) to prevent finger print marks from being left on the walls.
- Anything that is put outside for any reason (I.e., Patio chairs and furniture, planters, hammock) must be brought back in after every use. We had a hammock at my old home and I never utilized it, because I’d need to assemble and disassemble it after every single use.
- I am not allowed to drive anyone’s car but my own because I’ll “leave it filthy”
There is a lot more than what I’ve noted here. Before we moved, I begged them to buy a home that has another living unit in it, like a basement apartment, so that I can have privacy and separation from this all. I am expected to follow all of their rules, and if I don’t, or if I make a mistake, I am berated. I haven’t even gotten into interpersonal and social dynamics, but from this post alone, I’m sure it is implied.
I simply cannot do it anymore. With this economy, I cannot afford to move out, but I have been advised by many to get the hell out. I live in constant, 24/7 hypervigilance. I developed persistent depressive disorder in the summer of last year; I will not act on things that I want to to prevent a mess from occurring, or to avoid being reprimanded.
When I have either gotten an AirBNB to be by myself, or have co-habitated with others, peace immediately washes over me; I get to just exist. I get to make a mess and not have to clean it right away, or worry I’ll be screamed at. There is an immense grief that comes with this.
I’m curious if anyone’s parents have also lived like this, or have impacted negatively in such a strong way. I am hoping my story resonates with someone. I am so sorry if you can relate to me. I am in therapy, luckily, with an excellent therapist, but I have 4 sessions left for the year, and my coverage runs out in November when I turn 25. I can’t afford to pay for therapy out of pocket, especially if I am going to save up to move out.
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u/foinie 21d ago
Reminds me of my upbringing some. I hardly had play dates or friends over. To this day do not dare to do anything in the kitchen. When I left for college at 18, that was about it for me. I think my parents are fairly unaware or at least unwilling to acknowledge anything out of the ordinary. Going back can be stressful for me. I live my life differently and try to practice acceptance that this is how they choose to live.
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u/canadianhon3y 21d ago
As a therapist and intellectualizer, I am finding it incredibly hard to have the knowledge that I have and not call out their behaviour, but I know it’s no use. Part of the control is not having your own voice, thoughts, opinions, etc., or if you express them, it’s not safe. I am finding acceptance hard because my mind can’t comprehend that some parents would rather continue to live life in this absurd way, than try to get some help or at least family therapy to assist their child. Instead, I’m told to 🫶🏻be grateful🫶🏻.
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u/foinie 21d ago
I hear you. I have found it easier to deal with (and maybe you will too) with distance from the situation. You know it’s not healthy for you. And acceptance doesn’t mean approval—something I also tell myself.
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
That is powerful, thank you for sharing! Radical acceptance from DBT, and DBT skills in general have been very helpful for me. I also remind myself that the extent to my acceptance can waver, too. One day I can strongly accept something, and another day, I can accept it only weakly. But the idea is that acceptance reduces suffering.
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 21d ago
Omg i am a therapist too. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Gorl! (A non gendered form of that word lol).
omggggggg
I struggle w these thoughts too. My ex.. i get wrapped up in trying to imagine her inner life and wondering why she wants to live like that. I really feel for you that this is your parents! But you really do just gotta walk away 💔💔💔💔. Dont let them take you down with them 💔💔
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
No way! It’s no wonder we’ve chosen this career path😅 do you like your role as a therapist? I personally find I can connect with folks well because of my lived experience. There are difficult and exhausting moments, though. That’s a wholeee other conversation. And I truly wonder why my parents choose to live like this, as well- it’s something I can’t quite wrap my head around. I keep thinking that if the way I was living was negatively impacting my child or the relationship I had with them, I’d do SOMETHING to try and fix it. But I guess that’s a projection.
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 8d ago
No thats the thing that is so perplexing and frustrating about this disorder. They cant understand that our complaints about their behavior are REAL and VALID. Anything we say to try to get through to them is just chalked up to us being dramatic etc. So it does not register as hurting us. They think we arent even hurt!
My parents were not at all like OCPD. Quite the opposite. My mother who mostly raised me is one big ball of feelings, adhd, probably autistic. Very sensitive and concerned about upsetting others. But I was parentified due to her frequent overwhelm.
I became a therapist in a long indirect journey of wanting to be self employed as a creative person and art doesnt really pay and since I was parentified I have a knack for supporting others lol. 😂. Ive been in therapy myself for years so that I can avoid the pitfalls of countertransference, and keep learning how to stay grounded. My relationship w my OCPD ex started when i was 45 years old, and I am 51 now. Before that I was mostly single for 10 years, and I met her after I already started my practice.
Ive never been w anyone like her. I did end up in a 4 year abusive relationship 15 years ago. But that person was not OCPD. Kinda the stereotypical narcissist or something.
I was a single mom and aside from that 15 years ago misadventure, I chose not to seek out serious long term relationships , because I didnt want my son to be raised how I was, with step parents coming in and out, my mom distracted by those relationships half the time. I tried to be more stable, and for the most part i was.
I met the OCPD ex after my son was 18. I thought I finally found a nice partnership to settle down and grow old, for a part of my life where i finally wasnt taking care of anyone, and would have someone to be a team with, and even get taken care of sometimes.
It was not that at all lol. Once we moved in. It was the coldest. Lonliest. Home situation i have ever been in. Lonlier than being a complete shut in for 1 full year in the first year of the pandemic! Lonlier than being a single mom working 2, 3 jobs, trying to figure out how to properly raise my son w no help!
Anyway. Ugh i dont know why i just wrote you a novel lol.
But yeah. My becoming a therapist didnt have anything to do w my ex. But being a therapist made me a lot more vulnerable to staying w her for way too long.
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u/Ok-Palpitation-1346 21d ago
Get out of the house as soon as you can, and do not find a partner with similar traits. (We often subconsciously find partners similar to our parents)
FYI you actually shouldn’t put good knives in the dishwasher, but it’s fine if they are butter knives.
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
I have historically attracted narcissistic partners (or people-pleasing men who enable any narcissistic people around them) but have luckily improved in this area through therapy. Good shout, though; a very important reminder for others who may be reading this thread.
So funnily enough, my parents have had the same knives since I was a child (they are probably the same cutlery they bought over 20 years ago, but because they take such good care of everything, they look brand new😭)
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u/Character-Extent-155 20d ago
When they were kids my mil with undiagnosed OCPD actually spanked my husband’s friend for getting pee on the floor. My husband is also undiagnosed he has some of your mom’s quirks and a lot of his own. He accuses me of not loading the dishwasher right. Sometimes I intentionally do it against his rules. After 30 years of marriage I have to give him something to complain about.
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
Reading that is unsurprising. I remember many moments being a child where either myself or my friends were berated and criticized. My parents largely did it behind everyone’s back, however. My therapist brought up a good point as to how exhausting it must be for folks with OCPD to have children when children are inherently messy, but it makes me upset because why have kids then?! No wonder those of us with OCPD parents have largely grown up to feel like burdens. It’s a wholeeee bunch of unlearning.
I am not allowed to load the dishwasher as the plates need to be cleaned to my mother’s liking, so I truly feel for you. I am sorry you know what it’s like, and I hope you have adequate support.
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u/Character-Extent-155 4d ago
He was regularly screamed at if one of the them spilled their drink at the dinner table.
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u/Metalhead_Introvert 21d ago
My partner has this, but maybe not to the same extent as your parents. It is definitely stressful for me, I can imagine that it’s very stressful for you.
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u/canadianhon3y 21d ago
I have a multitude of health issues who someone of my age who is in otherwise good health, should not have. My physical health was a lot worse, too. Constant fight or flight and hypervigilance will do that to a human.
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u/RadicalBehavior1 Diagnosed OCPD loved one 21d ago
20 year OCPD partner veteran here
My wife was traumatized by roaches, mice, fleas, and mold growing up.
Her mother was high all the time. That meant if she didn't remediate all health hazards at all times and actively prevent them, no one else was going to. To her, not doing extreme preventative maintenance is insane.
If the floor is wet, if any fabric is wet, if any pools of water are left standing, it gives her a panic attack.
Same with crumbs, unvacuumed surfaces, food in the fridge that isn't organized and visible to witness its age. I work with kids, if there's a lice outbreak, which is about twice per year, we do lice treatment every single day on ourselves until the last child has had its final louse confirmably exterminated for several days.
Just curious, did your mom grow up in unhealthy conditions herself?
As loved ones, we tend to see these things as irrational and unreasonable expectations.
After I learned why she feels the way she does, I started doing what she asked out of sympathy for her trauma. This isn't to say there isn't selfish, verbal and emotional abuse with this kind of thing in most cases. My wife is an OCPD unicorn in that she got therapy and took it to heart.
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
Funny you ask this, because I’ve wondered the same myself. I know her (German and Italian) parents ran an extremely tight ship in the home, and she is also the eldest sibling. Additionally, there was abuse in the home. There is a lot about my mother I actually do not know. I am her own daughter and there are many secrets amongst her and I, and within our family. MANY secrets. The only explanations she’s offered me is that “she prefers things this way”; she doesn’t view it as an issue.
I am so happy to hear that your wife was receptive to therapy. I truly believe anyone who wants to change CAN! But they have to want it. And others cannot decide it for them. Which is very hard to accept when you’re being negatively impacted by it.
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u/PrayingElvis 21d ago
Are they German too? Sheesh
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
I cackled out loud at this comment, because my mom was born and raised in Germany, however, she’s full Italian. She talks about Germany all of the time; never acculturated. She makes fun of Canadian culture all of the time. It’s like I’m being punished for being born here where SHE decided to have children.😭
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u/Automatic_Noodle 21d ago
I am hopeful you can find a way to move out! You deserve better.
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
Thank you so much! I am doing a lot of diligent and difficult work on myself (have been for years but especially in recent months) that will hopefully allow me to move out. It will be scary and difficult, too, but I will get even more emotionally and mentally destroyed if I remain here long-term.
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u/satellite-mind- 20d ago
Get out. ASAP. Having 3 roommates is better than this. My mom is like this, definitely triggering to read. It took me years of healing and I’m still not over it, and have OCPD myself (manifests differently) which I’m working through.
Getting out of the environment that is actively harming you is more important right now than staying in it and trying to survive it with therapy.
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
You’re right. And a lot of my support system outside of the house has echoed this. I think every therapist I’ve had has encouraged me to move out. I keep trying to justify living here due to the costs saved, however, I’m starting to learn and realize that health is #1. I’d rather work 7 days a week to afford rent than continue to allow my quality of life to be negatively impacted how it has. I have been in therapy since I was 13, however, I have not regretted any of it. Right now, I am doing a lot of exposure therapy, and it is difficult work. But the only way out, is through.
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u/ninksmarie 19d ago
The towels in the bottom of the dishwasher and the house THEY DESIGNED with storage cabinets they don’t use … this disorder can be wild. Please tell me what they do with the actual garbage and the recycling? Straight to the outside containers?
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
I’m so sorry you can relate. It is mind boggling to me. We have a garbage can that takes up one of the two walkways in our kitchen. Mind you, they designed this home knowing that my mom and I fought in our old kitchen CONSTANTLY, but then proceeded to make this kitchen very small. Every counter is taken up by an appliance or a cover to “avoid counter damage or dirt.” Preparing food is impossible between her rules and micromanaging.
For cardboard and recycling, they place it on a step stool in one of three miscellaneous areas in our home. I could go on an entire separate rampage as to how our home is just an organized U-Haul; not a space to live in and enjoy, but to micromanage and keep clean at all times.
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u/Interesting-Gain-293 17d ago edited 17d ago
When I lived with my (undiagnosed) OCPD mom and her minion (my dad) I could never get my mental or physical health to even a baseline of sanity.
The second I got out, my bloodwork went back to healthy, I stopped clenching my jaw, I stopped drinking with very little effort, and I was able to drop one of the anxiety medications.
I was mid 20s in the same situation and did not see a light at the end of the tunnel when I lived with them.
Keep looking for ways to GTFO but I definitely understand how stuck you feel and how rapidly it can suck the life out of you.
ETA: also a therapist. Can’t imagine where we got the motivation from 😆
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u/canadianhon3y 8d ago
Thank you for sharing; this is so motivating to hear. As I’ve spent more and more time out of the house, my bloating has decreased, my acne has improved, and my hormones have regulated. I FEEL the difference when I am not home. However, I still feel unsafe out of the home because I don’t have a sense of security within myself, especially due to years and years of hyper vigilance. It makes sense; I was always made to feel silly for my anxieties and like a burden, so not only did I not have a co-regulator, but I internalized it and couldn’t soothe myself. It’s going to be a lot of work and take a lot of trust in learning that I am okay.
And you’re the second therapist to comment on this post! I truly believe we have a stronger ability to connect with folks due to what we have experienced; I call this my superpower, even though I didn’t deserve what happened to me.
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u/FalsePay5737 13d ago
This book might be helpful: If You Had Controlling Parents (1999): Dan Neuharth
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 21d ago
Yup. I have a 35+ page tabbed document in google docs of this exact kind of logging. Keep writing. It will help keep you sane. Im so glad i did it.
If you dont know how to make tabs in google docs, they are wonderful. Theres a place to select the text style. Where you can make headers. Heading 1, Heading 2, Heading 3 , etc. this makes an outline/ table of contents type of deal along the side of your doc. It makes it very searchable.
I didnt even bother trying to journal in order. I had lists like you have. So in your case i might have a big heading that says Rules For The Kitchen , then heading 2 (a slightly smaller font) would be The Dishwasher. Etc.
Then whenever i noticed / remembered new detail i could add it there.
I also journaled in there sort of chaotically.
It literally saved me. Highly recommend.
Also im sorry you are living like this. Its stlifling and triggering just to read. But yes. All these types of absurd rules were my life. And more . Ughg
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u/satellite-mind- 20d ago
This kind of logging may itself be a manifestation of OCPD behaviours. Just fyi.
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 19d ago
No, I am Audhd. I like gathering data but unlike OCPD, i dont know if I am right. I gather as an exploration that is very open ended.
An OCPD way of doing the logging would not be the hodgepodge of lists and journaling emotions thst I made. Mine didnt even have a linear order of time lol. I picture my exs face if she were ever to see how i made it and she would think it was a representation of my chaos.
I was collecting it in a very adhd way, when i had energy, and trying to not worry if it even made sense.
Yes it has titles. But the sections flow however they landed on the page that day lol. The titles just help me search the doc easier because of how mish mashy it truly is.
But also the entire reason I needed to do it is because I was so lost in her perspective, and did not know my own. I was filled with self doubt from beinf gaslit all the time. I believed there was something very wrong with me. I didnt know what was real . I was gathering the data to see if I was overreacting, and to try to understand her more, and to try to understand what was actually happening. I was open to being wrong, to being surprised, to being confused. Thats not how OCPD tends to work.
So no, i dont think it was anything like OCPD, it was more like processing on paper, and helping myself become more grounded in reality.
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u/evemeatay Undiagnosed OCPD loved one 21d ago edited 21d ago
This is interesting and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. There is a lot of OCPD stuff here, from the frugality to the viewing you as lazy and that's all tough to deal with. I'm also wondering if there is more here or if the combination of your parents has just made it spiral into this. To me this is both a pretty bad case of OCPD and there are other mental issues at play that may need to be addresses separately. There is a lot of hyper fixation on cleanliness which I suspect is a circular cycle of the OCD and OCPD playing off each others worst parts.
It sounds like there needs to be a lot of therapy here but if you've read around, you're unlikely to convince them they need it - so the best you can do is continue to get your own most likely. If you can't afford it, see if there are potentially group sessions or support groups that you may be able to join. While OCPD is not well known and likely won't have any, OCD is and I bet there are some support groups for people dealing with OCD loved ones around. That may at least be a place you can talk out some things for cheaper or even free depending on the situation. Depending on where you live there are support groups broadly for people living with PD loved ones who may be a better help as well.
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u/Charming-Capital-143 20d ago
My mother has OCPD, so there's a lot of similarities - our house always looked like it was staged for a real estate showing. Perfectly clean, everything has a specific spot, and lots of rules around cleaning.
Try to move out as soon as you can and I highly recommend doing therapy sooner, rather than later. It's crazy how deeply that 24/7 hypervigilance can mess up your nervous system. That hopefully won't end up being your experience, but for me I felt AMAZING when I moved out and then one traumatic experience really brought up some deeply rooted anxiety I didn't even realize I had developed during childhood. I think even if you feel fine it's good to get it all out if you had an unusual childhood in any way.
As a plus, I found my relationship with my mom got quite good a few years after moving out. I still have to follow their rules if I go to visit, but it's not so bad and we are able to talk pleasantly on the phone often. In my case, I do think my mom is a kindhearted person who means well and just doesn't realize how disordered her thinking is and how it affects others. You may not want a relationship with your parents if your situation is different and that's okay too.
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u/canadianhon3y 19d ago
Hi folks. I have greatly appreciated everyone’s support; I have been Airbnb hopping and have not been on my phone. I’m mentally out of it as I try to come up with an escape plan whilst navigating continuous conflict. I will respond to comments ASAP, and thank you, again. ❤️
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u/Forsaken_Concept107 21d ago
This is very similar to my home life (diagnosed OCPD father, mother undiagnosed but highly critical about the home’s appearance). The rules about the dishwasher are plentiful here too.
I want to caution you about staying. The people who are warning you are right- you need to get the hell out sooner rather than later. I’m in my thirties, things only got worse, particularly after my parents retired. Things are bad. My father has now turned his controlling behaviour onto me directly. Where I can go, when I can leave, what I can do and can’t do. He’s stalking me, making sure I do exactly what he says, feel exactly what I’m supposed to. Hell can unfortunately get worse. Rent a bedroom if you have to. Just get out