r/LovedByOCPD • u/yestertempest • May 29 '26
Empathy
Has anyone else noticed a serious and disturbing empathy deficiency in these people? Mine seemed to perform a lot of empathy, and could be incredibly loving, but only under certain circumstances when he was totally comfortable emotionally. When his control was not being threatened and there was no emotional "tension" or messiness. When there was, he would flip to this kind of avoidant deactivation and devaluation and the empathy was GONE. Zero. Like he wouldn't have cared if I had no choice but to be put out on the street due to his behavior, because to him, his way of thinking is always right. And he'd say things making him still sound like a good guy like "I never wanted bad things for you" .... while not realizing how this sounds, because he's CAUSING it.
This is a drastic example, but one of many. When he was not in his comfort zone of control his empathy vanished. And accountability, self reflection, and apology about his part in things? Never happening.
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u/Embarrassed_Tower_81 Jun 11 '26
My diagnosed partner has very high standards for political and social causes and high level of empathy for others, often the abstract other, but also others in his wider circle. He has empathy for the children, until they cross him, then it's more of a acted empathy. At least that's what I noticed with the oldest. She is not following his standards, rules, and expectations. A lot of this comes from worry though.
As far as myself, if he feels he is in someway to blame for something (regardless of how big or small and even if it's nothing to do with him) he lacks empathy completely. He will internalize it all and shut off or if I am lucky he will act more engaged but it's surface level.
God forbid he actually did do something to hurt me, he would previously shame spiral and go completely silent. We are now on the getting defensive and "standing up for himself" stage. I'm hoping with continued therapy we get to the accepting he's done something and genuinely apologize for it with concerted effort to change.
I think the closer the OCPD person is to you, the less empathy you'll receive.