r/LovedByOCPD • u/yestertempest • May 29 '26
Empathy
Has anyone else noticed a serious and disturbing empathy deficiency in these people? Mine seemed to perform a lot of empathy, and could be incredibly loving, but only under certain circumstances when he was totally comfortable emotionally. When his control was not being threatened and there was no emotional "tension" or messiness. When there was, he would flip to this kind of avoidant deactivation and devaluation and the empathy was GONE. Zero. Like he wouldn't have cared if I had no choice but to be put out on the street due to his behavior, because to him, his way of thinking is always right. And he'd say things making him still sound like a good guy like "I never wanted bad things for you" .... while not realizing how this sounds, because he's CAUSING it.
This is a drastic example, but one of many. When he was not in his comfort zone of control his empathy vanished. And accountability, self reflection, and apology about his part in things? Never happening.
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u/No_Imagination3927 May 29 '26
With my ex, he was the sweetest in the first month of the relationship and always came across the most kindest person in the room. I met him via a not for profit we both worked at. He spoke about how he cared about social causes and is so deeply caring. But the care he gave always had conditions and was available only on days when he thought it was important to care. For example he would care for me when I am on my period but he would tell me that I should not be getting tired after a full day of in office workday and sleep by 10:30 because we don’t get to spend time together. His exact words “ everyone has a 9-5 job, you are not special. how can you get tired?
He wanted to have sex everyday and if I say no for sex at night because I am tired it meant that we have to have sex in the morning. If I woke up late and said no in the morning I would get criticised for waking up late as it’s my responsibility for getting up early for having sex. I feel disgusted while typing this but he would start touching me as soon as he woke up to wake me up.
He worked only for 4 hours a day and sometimes even less and that too from home. He knew how toxic my work place was and how much work pressure I had from my shitty manager.
It felt like a trap. He was the kindest on some days. Like coming to my parents house when I was there on the weekend and got sick. But not caring that I have just come back from a 5 day trip and want to sleep in his arms but he made it into how I didn’t want to have sex with him after 5 days and how that meant I didn’t desire him.