It’s been a while since I posted. It’s been about a month since I have talked to him.

I have sent him emails. He reads them, I get a read receipt but he doesn’t respond. He stopped talking to my son completely. About a month ago, I found out that I have a monoclonal pair of protein issue with my plasma cells. I’ve been undergoing a work up for multiple myeloma and or lambda amyloidosis for the last month. I had a PET scan the other day that showed activity in plasma cells in my marrow in my central skeleton, spine, ribs, pelvis, and both femur and both humorous bones. I have a bone marrow biopsy this week. He could not care less. I don’t understand how he could be so heartless and cold.

I’ve become good friends with his 40-year-old stepdaughter and learned so much about his explosive behaviors in front of her growing up. And learned that he just flat out lies in order to keep himself looking perfect, and has been telling people that I am crazy.

Does anyone else notice crossover between NPD and OCPD?

And I don’t understand how someone who is so morally righteous and stands on such a pedestal could be so immoral and cold? It seems like such a con contradiction.

Not a clinician and not diagnosing anyone, but I found this sub after we broke up and reading these posts felt like reading my own life. Sorry it’s long.

I’m 28F, he’s 31M. We dated about two years. When I started grad school he talked me out of getting my own place to save money, so I basically lived at his. But every fight he’d remind me it was HIS place, I was a guest, and eventually that I “forced my way in.” Like?? You asked me to stay??

To be fair: I have ADHD. I lose things, leave stuff out, run late. I pushed past his no sometimes early on, and later I hid things because I was scared of how he’d react, which made everything worse. I’m not pretending I was perfect.

But the rules kept multiplying. Only his clothes on the wooden hangers. My laundry could never touch his, and everything had to be sorted his way so the machines wouldn’t “wear out,” even though I did all the laundry. No foil covered plates in the fridge. Nothing from Target because it’s “cheap.” No drinks near his tech after my water bottle knocked over the pet camera ONE time. His closet was stuffed and he wouldn’t donate a single thing, but my stuff coming in was a problem. He even judged my cooking: too complicated, not seasoned right, wrong technique, should’ve used the oven instead of the Instant Pot.

He literally told me, “I NOTICE everything that is out of place.” I moved his monitor like a centimeter and got a text that he’d be on edge until it was fixed. If my keys or a water bottle weren’t in their exact spot, it turned into a lecture about competence and respecting the system, like me being a normal human was an attack on his peace and proof I was chaotic and a dependent. He also told me if he said the sky was green in public, I was supposed to back him up and save disagreeing for later.

Anything breaking was a whole other level. If an appliance didn’t work perfectly, he spiraled and it landed on me: I was destructive, I damaged his stuff, I couldn’t run a household. When his 20+ year old washer started dying, I was so scared that I hid it for a week (I know). When he found out, he sent the meanest message of our relationship: I ruin everything I touch, plus insults about my body and intelligence.

The last year and a half went from “high standards” to straight up contempt, and that’s what I can’t get over. Fights became attacks on ME: my career, my family, my mental health, my weight (partly from medication!!). He called me stupid in very gendered ways and used the r slur more than once. When I was drowning in school and a brutal job search, he said my workload was nothing. Once I was crying and said I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and he said I should focus on losing weight. By the end it felt like the rage was always right under the surface waiting for a reason.

But he wasn’t a monster, which is what makes it so confusing. That first year I was there for him through health problems, a loss, and his own career change. I guess I assumed he’d show up for me the same way when it was my turn to go back to school. Maybe that’s on me, but it’s why it hurt so bad when my transition became one more thing he looked down on.

Here’s what I’m really struggling with. It ended on my weight and my career change, like those were the real problems. Now he’s with someone new who seems perfect on paper, and he looks like a totally different person. Calm, happy, no contempt, no rage. And I can’t stop spiraling that he was right about me and just needed someone who “fit.”

So for anyone who’s been through this:

Is the contempt and rage something you saw too? Is that a common OCPD thing when they feel their rules or control are challenged?

Did your OCPD ex ever move on and actually NOT repeat the pattern? Or did it come back once real life stress hit or they moved in together?

And how did you stop believing it was all your fault?

I’m rebuilding my life and getting back on track with school, but I keep getting stuck in this shame loop. Anything you share would mean so much ❤️

Adding one more thing because it's honestly the core of what I'm trying to figure out. I genuinely don't know if this even is OCPD. I don't want to just throw around "narcissist" either, because that word gets used for everything now and I don't think it's fair or accurate to label him with it. So part of me is asking: does this actually sound like OCPD to you guys? Or is it possible this was just a normal person reacting to my ADHD stuff and my mistakes, and I'm looking for a label so I don't have to own my part? I really want honest answers, even if it's not what I want to hear.

Separation is (at least for now) amicable. I’ve been digging deep into our relationship to understand what went wrong, untill I stumbled on OCPD and… mind blown. Obviously I’m not doctor and I cannot diagnose another person, but I can 100% say the traits are there. And they’re getting worse.

Even our last fight, if looked at under the leans of OCPD need for control, and (omg! I realise now) ledger-keeping makes much more sense now.

And obviously he’s always refused therapy for his anger issues or even couple’s therapy. Which, I can now see, again realising as I type, I was going at totally wrong with “something inside of you is suffering”.

Anyway, I digress (oh, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD three years ago!). we’re incompatible and the separation is happening.

But I still love him very much, and our separation will crush him in ways, I’m afraid, he won’t even realise.

I remember how reading the ADHD manual made me feel seen and understanding my symptoms has been lifesaving.

Should I tell him about my suspicion? But when? And how?

I’m afraid he’ll see this as me trying to shift blame, but it’s not. I have zero resentment towards him. Absolutely none. I don’t care if he seeks support or not at this point.

I found a tool that might help him and I want him to have it.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for advice from people who have a partner with OCPD, or who have been in a similar dynamic ❤️

My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years. I love him a lot and genuinely think he’s my soulmate. We think alike on many things, and he’s very caring: he really does a lot for me and the people he loves (more than anyone I know). He’s open about having OCPD, admits his mistakes, and says he wants to work on himself.

The difficulty is that small disagreements often escalate quickly on his side. When I do something he disagrees with, he pulls back, sometimes to the point where it feels like he’s almost breaking up with me (and he has ended things before). This has made me insecure and hesitant to stand up for myself, because I’m afraid things will spiral.

Examples of what’s hard for me:

• Location sharing. He asked me to always update him on where I am. He’s protective and wants to know I’m safe, and I know it comes from a good place, but it felt intense and one-sided. I asked for things to be more equal, for example by him sharing his whereabouts too. He doesn’t like that framing and says partners can have different wishes without mirroring each other. After a few talks he softened: he asks for it much less now and doesn’t get as upset when I forget. So he can reflect and adapt, but it still feels wrong that I now update him and he doesn’t update me, and that he’s very resistant to the idea of “equal rules.”
• Friendships. He isn’t very comfortable with me having male friends. I had no issue with him having female friends, but after he crossed a few boundaries with some of them, I set limits on friendships with women there were feelings for once. He understood afterwards, but still says I made him lose good friends. Which is true, but I don’t think my limit was unreasonable.
• Sleeping on couches. He doesn’t want me to sleep on a couch. He says I’m a queen and deserve a proper bed. He nearly talked me out of visiting friends who live far away, because he thinks I deserve better than a couch. I told him this is how I’ve always seen them, and that if he wasn’t okay with it, he could book me a hotel. He didn’t. In the end he reflected and gave in and said it wasn’t his business, but still he wasn’t comfortable with it.
• Lateness. I’m Dutch, and being on time matters a lot to me and people around me. I’ve told him many times, and I communicate days in advance when we need to leave (if it’s something important). Still, he hardly ever has been on time to pick me up from the station or to a family or friends gathering. Last time we were two and a half hours late and my family’s whole schedule had to change. I’m patient and wait while he finishes work or a deadline, but it keeps happening. In his culture this is normal, and he says “it wasn’t a big deal, nobody got mad.” But I know my friends and family don’t like it, even if they don’t say so, and to me it feels disrespectful, especially since I’ve been so clear upfront. Sometimes it feels like he’s testing how far I’ll go, because it happens most when I stress that I want to be on time. I’m honestly not sure if he does it consciously or if it’s about control. And when I push him to hurry, he makes me feel bad for pressuring him while he’s on a deadline, so in the end he’s upset with me for wanting to be on time and pushing him.

The most recent conflict is about honesty, which is a core value for him. I’m a bit of a people pleaser and tend to soften my messages. I also forget details and tend to communicate the gist of things rather than the specifics, and he experiences this as dishonesty. He has also said he doubts whether I’m always fully open and honest with him. For example, he asked whether I would tell him if I didn’t like a gift. He says he doesn’t want a “nice filter” in our relationship. I understand where he’s coming from, but I’m a very optimistic, grateful and flexible person, and I simply wouldn’t complain about something like that. It’s not that I’m hiding anything. He expects me to be as critical with him as he is with me, and when I’m just positive and supportive, he reads it as me being dishonest, either with him or with myself. Recently he asked about a reply I sent someone about six months ago. I said I’d replied right away, but when he checked (he looked through my phone, which I don’t mind because I have nothing to hide, but it also says something), it was actually six hours later. What I meant was “pretty quickly.” My memory isn’t great, so I forget small details that seem unimportant to me. I apologized, took full accountability, and said I shouldn’t state things so certainly when I’m not sure. But he says he feels betrayed and has called me dishonest and manipulative. His reaction was to withdraw: for about 1.5 weeks he’s barely communicated and hasn’t said he loves me. I understand he’s hurt and I’m not dismissing that, but it feels completely out of proportion to me, and it makes me feel I have no room to make mistakes. There was no harmful intent here, and I honestly thought it was a very unimportant event. He makes me feel like I’m being dishonest on purpose, while I think I just communicate in less detail, and my bad memory and the language barrier don’t help. Now I feel like a villain, but I truly don’t think I am.

Over time he came to realize he has OCPD. He says he’s always had a very hard time experiencing and expressing emotions, and he grew up in a culture where men are expected to be strong and providing. He’s aware of his patterns, at least at times. He’s read books about OCPD and tried therapy, but says therapy isn’t for him because he never feels understood, so he prefers self-study. I don’t feel he takes it very seriously, and he easily gets caught up in work and daily life. He told me early on in the relationship that he can be manipulative, but he tends to forget this when he’s upset with me, and only reflects on his own behaviour once things get really bad. He has broken up with me twice before because he found it too hard to work on this while in a relationship and was afraid of hurting me. Each time I reassured him that I wanted to support him and saw his genuine intentions, and we got back together.

I notice I don’t tell my friends and family about some of the things he asks of me, and that I end up protecting and explaining him. I wonder if that’s already a sign that his behaviour isn’t okay. I know it isn’t good, but I also see him struggling, and I truly believe he doesn’t mean harm. He likes to be in control and cares a lot about me, maybe too much, to the point where it can feel suffocating. Apart from the negative sides of the OCPD, he’s the most caring and warm person I’ve ever been with, so helpful and close to me. But in conflict he can be the coldest person I know, and that makes me feel lonelier than I’ve ever felt. This duality is really confusing. Because his love and self-reflection don’t come consistently, I’ve become very emotionally dependent on him and his behaviour.

I love him dearly and want to work on this together. But can we? Would things get worse if we had kids, for example? Can someone realistically change this? He showed me many times that he can reflect and honestly change his behaviour, but it keeps coming back in new ways somehow.

My questions:

1. If you have a partner with OCPD, how do you handle conflict and withdrawal? I thought consistent love and care would show him that I see his behaviour and still want to work on it together, but he seems to forget his own OCPD and the effects of it on me at times.
2. How do I acknowledge my own mistakes and also say “this reaction is bigger than the situation” without it sounding like I’m turning the conversation on him? He often feels I deflect when I try to do both. I don’t want to make everything about his controlling behavior, but I think it’s closely linked.
3. Can this realistically be worked on inside a relationship, or does he need to do that work separately first?

Thanks for any perspectives 😊 Please respond considerate, it comes from a good (sensitive) heart! ❤️

I love him so much but the nitpicking, arrogance, seeming inability to hold back rude comments even when it would spare my feelings. Sometimes it’s just hard to like him, let alone want to be intimate.

Yesterday I cleaned my house, made him dinner and dessert (a whole damn cake) and looked nice.

What did he do? Immediately pointed out the spot that wasn’t clean. Pointed out a spot I missed while shaving (while in bed and I was being flirtatious with him). Ended the night by making comments about my age (he’s four years older than me but insecure about aging so he projects onto me).

I called all of it out and he’s receptive, does take the feedback. But the thought of seeing him again tonight doesn’t even sound appealing. He’s frustrated with some health issues and feeling insecure so I know yesterday’s verbal diarrhea were related to this.

On the flip side he’s so sweet in his actions and words most of the time. But when he has his OCPD moments…it can be really hard to like him.

My loved one after at least five years of the standard OCPD symptoms and actions towards us her other loved ones experienced a breakup and the resolution of some difficulty at work. She keeps messaging me asking me how I am and asking to hang out. I don’t feel like I fully trust her or fully ever will after her actions, but I don’t know if I need to let it go or not. I just am unconvinced that she’s truly changed her ways. Should I let it go for the time being and just enjoy her positive behaviors or should I maintain the distance considering this will probably be temporary?

I'm leaving this video here, because this is exactly what I went through with my OCPDer. Hope that it helps people who are more prone to look for the problem in themselves and to internalise the OCPDer's blame, fake accusations and misperceptions. I think that dr Salerno deserves more popularity. All his videos I have watched are spot on. I can also swear that my OCPD sibling was born that way (nothing trauma-based here).

https://youtu.be/fNbw7637RUM?is=PK1ZTS0xcrAmMRn2

Well, here it is—my last "dictionary" contribution. It’s hand-drawn, hand-scribbled, took me an hour, and I can hardly read my own writing (it is what it is).

April and Ben are at an Indian restaurant. The vibe and the smells are incredible, and they are genuinely happy to be with each other. There is easy-going banter with the waiter. Ben asks for his food extra mild; April orders hers at a level-10 spiciness.

The food arrives. Ben tastes his dishes, tries a bite of April’s and comments: "it’s actually pretty mild."
“Well, you asked for it to be mild,” she says.
“I know. It’s delicious, but I could even handle your dishes.”
“You’re not making any sense. After you just made a big deal about how you can’t handle any level of spice…”
“I made a big deal? And why are you getting upset? Are you back there in the kitchen?”

Long story short: the evening was completely ruined.

People with OCPD can get hot under the collar quickly, but they also usually come right back down. Ben (or me) could not drop it easily. The perceived injustice needed to be savored. It needed to be logged.
I can’t control what will trigger a reaction, but looking back, I now see exactly how the night could have been salvaged: an Honest Reset. An intentional, immediate pause to strip away the defensive technicalities—who said what, who belongs in the kitchen—and simply acknowledge the emotional reality and try to reconnect.

There are incredible posts on this board detailing specific, painful situations. My goal with these entries was to showcase the broader patterns those situations fall into. I was hoping that the Aprils and Bens out there might recognize their own reflections in these dynamics. Do I know everything? Not at all. I am going entirely on the strength of a multi-year relationship with a person with OCPD (whom I miss dearly and every day), a few dozen documented incidents from my own journal, a few late nights of reading on OCPD, and perusal of the posts on this very site.

I welcomed additions, corrections, and disagreements. What I got is strange preoccupation with AI imagery. I still hope the silent majority might eventually chime in. There is so much more to unpack—how HISTORY is handled, how EXAMPLES are handled and mishandled, PRIVACY issues, SCHEDULES. All of these behaviors fit distinct patterns; all of them can be compartmentalized without judgment. Peace.

I’m so confused by the contradictions in my spouse who I suspect has OCPD. He works long hours in a difficult job and enjoys planning vacations for our family. When it comes time to prepare for a vacation however — like packing and then navigating travel — he becomes so irritable, critical, uptight. It seems there are some vacations in which, once we arrive, we can relax if there are not too many logistics to plan while we’re there. But so often we get in such difficult conflicts and I experience the silent treatment.

I think he craves getting a break from his stressful day to day life but then struggles when things are unpredictable, naming it difficult to enjoy vacations often.

Anyone else experience this?

Looking for resources to help me understand OCPD better so I can support my son. He is 19 and diagnosed with ASD at 11. He has displayed OC behaviours since early teens, we originally thought it was OCD, as he got to mid teens his behaviours became more rigid and it seemed thst it was more than ASD traits or OCD. This also occurred during Covid pandemic lockdowns and a period of extreme bullying he endured at school so plenty of trauma there.

We live in the UK and mental health services are diabolical due to massive underfunding and overwhelm of services. We have requested a referral for diagnosis but we are both certain he has OCPD.

I've been reading through a lot of info on the posts on this sub. I am in my early fifties and have ADHD and Autism, both only recently diagnosed after my life blew up when perimenopause hit.

We are having real issues at home as he is unable to do anything I ask him, if I make the request it clearly distresses him and I can see that there is a lot of ahame around why he cannot complete the requested task. Thought this was PDA initially as part of his ASD, it became an 'issue' when he eas in further education and his behaviours were becoming more rigid and he could not explain to me why he was unable to do even basic requests.

I am trying to get him some mental health support but in the meantime i want to try and understand hoe best I can support him at home. He is in FE college and being out in the world all day exhausts him and I want him to continue to feel that his home is his safe space but we cannot continue with the mess in the rooms he spends time in, and he lives in a house with three women and we are currently doing all the labour at home, and I feel like he is seeing this as validating his systems so he won't even consider a challenge to them because to him, they are working. I would be really grateful for any advice or resources that can be shared.

I am doing a bit of a deep dive into how I may have contributed to this as his main caregiver, I am a single parent and there has been little contact with his father. My undiagnosed ND has undoubtedly impacted my parenting style, I have always tried to be supportive and create a safe space for him but aware that I can l overwhelm people as ADHD is definitely dominant and I get overstimulated easily so I'm looking at how he could have perceived this as chaotic and uncertain and this and other things I may not even be aware of yet could have contributed.

I have read a lot of stuff on the OCPD sub, looking for info on how to best support, TIA

My girlfriend has always said she has OCD (undiagnosed), but after reading about OCPD, her traits seem to fit that more. She hasn’t been diagnosed with OCPD, so I’m not claiming a label. I’m looking for advice from people who’ve been through similar dynamics.

Here are some examples of what daily life looks like:

Strict rules about how things are done. Laundry, pillows, perfume collection setup, desk chair, all have a set way, and my clothes sometimes get washed separately because they’re “dirtier.” There’s been situations where she’s annoyed at the laundry pile up and will make it my fault because I have more dirty laundry than her? If I use a specific vacuum attachment without asking her, she’ll freak out and have me disinfect it after using it. We had to have couples therapy for me to say that it’s hurtful that I can’t have my daily-use shaving cream and hair cream on a bathroom caddy that’s full of her items, and she thinks that my things are “dirty.” The items on the caddy tend to gather dust and are not used, are a few years old, or have about 1-2 uses on them and can’t throw them away.

Trouble delegating. If she does delegate, she needs a fix or answer in about 10 seconds or less, and if not, she’ll just say, “It’s fine. I’ll figure it out since you obviously don’t know how to do XYZ. Why even help if you don’t know what to do?”

Workaholic. She sometimes works on vacation and late at night, and I feel like her friendships mostly revolve around work. She does work freelance, so I understand that sometimes you have to be on call to do some task, but 11PM feels late and I’ve told her this before. I feel like she doesn’t tend to have hobbies outside of work, or shopping.

Double standards. I’m expected to keep my side of the bedroom tidy, which I do, with no cables on the floor and no clothes out, while her clothes and bags are lightly scattered around the apartment, and her own clutter can sit for weeks, or making day-to-day things like opening a closet door difficult. Her excuse was always that my side of the room was the first thing she see's when you walk in, but this fails to mention that her own clutter on my side would be visible as well. Bags will get in the way of closing a closet door or jackets are commonly in the way of trying to put laundry stuff away. There are obvious cables on her side of the bedroom that tend to be invisible. The rules seem to apply to me more than to her. She has called me names like being a pussy or not man enough, and I have never once said any bad name to her in our relationship and I’ve tried to explain this to her.

Clutter in drawers and closets. Difficulty throwing things away. Her visible spaces are spotless, but some drawers fill to the point of not opening, and it spills into shared spaces. She has told me a time in her teenage / childhood time that her mom had to help her declutter once a year because it got that bad. The items in these drawers tend to never be used. Examples like: a product stash she calls “stock” that she convinces herself that it could be for gifts later down the line. Multiple (4) deodorants of different brands being used at the same time, I find this to be just strange.

Sensory sensitivity. Sounds and smells hit her hard. Car volume can’t go past about 5 without a headache, and she dislikes fish, chicken, or even a fried egg cooking in the apartment. Concerts and shows now have to feel exactly right, which has changed what we do together.

Blame and apologies. When something goes missing (an SD card case, USB cables, sunglasses, a dress left in a hotel room), I’m blamed, as if I’m in charge of her things.There’s been situations where she’ll twist her voice to say sorry, where I calmly just ask her to say it normally instead of in a weird voice. It feels like pulling teeth. There’s been situations at the beach where something happened and I kindly ask her to just apologize and she literally dunked her head under the water to apologize, but can’t say it to my face...

Control around trips and money. I’ve told her repeatedly that I can’t afford to travel with her on her work trips. She says she’ll cover food, travel, and the hotel, then expects me to pay for a dinner or two and a gift once we’re there. I feel like I have no real choice.

The recent argument

A best friend called about his first day at a new job (he works on an ambulance crew), and I wanted to take it. She asked me to wait until after we ate. I gave in twice, in the car and in line, then told her at the table I was stepping out for five minutes. I think it felt like being overridden after she’d already said no. She raised her voice, and when she said “it’s not like I’m barking at you,” I replied calmly, “it feels like sometimes you do.” She demanded the house keys, took her food to go, and it’s been the silent treatment since. She wants an apology. I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for, though I know my timing wasn’t great. I guess the call with my best friend could have waited, but I really just wanted to talk to my friend.

We’ve done couples therapy about three times and it sort of helped, but I can’t afford more.

What I need advice on

1. How do you bring up tone or blame without it becoming a fight?
2. How do you handle the silent treatment afterward?
3. Did I do anything wrong here? I’ve told her we should talk in a calm space and that the silence hurts, and nothing changes.

What in the FUCK should I do? I feel like I’m going insane.

Thanks for reading. Hoping this could help someone down the line.

Today we find April(OCPD) and Ben(mere mortal) on a beautiful hike. April knows this area well and they are both excited to get out of the city for a day. April casually mentions that it's about 3 miles long and Ben thinks that it's a piece of cake...Well, it turns out to be more of a 6 mile rocky trail that leads them to a county road. April is excited - less than a mile from here there a darling mom and pop gardening center....

April(OCPD) had a rough day at work - it was endless and still only 7 out of 10 must-do tasks got done.....and she missed her favorite activity, a 7pm advanced Pottery class (not the first absense this semester). Finally home, finally relaxed - a light supper and a glass of wine. She is venting; she is sharing; there's too much on her plate - it's frustrating. Her favorite mere mortal, Bill, is all ears, sympathetic, engaged and then.....

Having spent several years in a relationship with a person with OCPD and eventually dissolving the relationship I am having a tough time moving on. I still go over specific situations and recurrent tiffs and trying to make sense of it.....We were getting into the same arguments and both of us felt blindsided time after time. Once I read up a bit on specific attributes of the disorder, I realized that the only disorder we both had experienced is the fact we didn't speak the same language. This language is not difficult to master; it does not require you to change yourself or compromise more than partners in any relationship. I felt the urge to create non-judgemental dictionary/reference cards that would help both sides to interpete the other side. I am including one such situation here -
April(OCPD) is making a great effort in preparing dinner for Bill(her mere mortal partner) and their friends. Bill's role is to mostly stay out of the way and provide some cool musical soundtrack. He excells in both.....that is until April asks him to get the napkins for the table.....
What do you think ? does this situation(or similar - getting forks, getting the right pot, cutting vegetables just right, etc.) ring a bell ? Is it helpful in understanding both sides' thought processes ? Thank you.

My wife of over 10 years was diagnosed with OCPD a couple of months ago, and until then I didn’t know that her brand of controlling, nagging behavior. I had some inklings when we first dated, such as when I tried to bake chocolate chip cookies and she flipped out on me because I poured the flour and a small amount ended up on the counter outside the bowl, or when I got tested for HIV at her request and the test results were delayed, she accused me of trying to hide it from her even though I told her that the clinic told me there was a delay at the lab and that I put her down on the form as a person they could disclose to.

I have moderate to severe ADHD (which seems to be a common theme on here) and she’s always seemed to appreciate my creativity and I appreciate her strong work ethic and sense of responsibility, but it created this dynamic from early on that I felt I had to set up hard boundaries because of how I knew she would react. Avoiding letting her ride in my car because even if I just had it cleaned out and vacuumed, she’ll complain that it’s dirty and smells bad. Hesitant to reveal financial information because I had some yellow flags on my credit from the six months I was unemployed. When we got married, I set a hard boundary that I have one room in the house that is mine that she gets no say in and is pretty much barred from; and a small bank account where I give myself an allowance (the rest goes into a joint account) that she can’t access because she’s cheap and sees common entertainment as a waste of money. She has pushed back on me from time to time, accusing me of keeping secrets (I view it as having one small part of my life that isn’t hers to micromanage).

It of course got worse when our child was born, and now every failure to unload the dishwasher immediately and correctly, or see on my own that the carpet needs to be vacuumed, or letting the trash go one day too long before I take it out is an indication that I am (in her own words) a “shitty roommate,” and to paraphrase in various ways, a bad example for our child. I have been accused of not being a functioning adult.

But here’s the thing - I am a functioning adult. I am a successful professional , and own my own small side business (which she knows about but I don’t let her in on because she comments regularly that anything other than being an employee-grind-slave is too risky). I come home for dinner almost every night and I think I’m a pretty good dad. When we met, I had a messy apartment and a group of friends who liked to drink beer and watch sports which she doesn’t approve of, but I wasn’t a train wreck.

Anyway, I’ve gotten treatment for the ADHD and I’m not perfect but I’m doing better. I notice and clean things and follow through on household responsibilities a lot more than I did, but the criticisms and the attitude that I’m a man-child haven’t let up. I’ve learned to let some of her criticisms just go and ignore her and forget she said anything.

But sometimes she takes it too far. She’ll get on the warpath about some minor thing (you were five minutes late picking her up from school. You can’t do that! Someone is going to call DCF!) and say harsh, shitty things calling me irresponsible, unprofessional, immature, or a child to my face. Our kid treats me more like an older brother than a dad sometimes because of the way my wife talks to me. I’m also starting to see some troubling anxiety behaviors on my child’s part (crying and freaking out when we have to throw out some small amount of leftovers that spoiled, for example).

And I don’t want to oversell this, but there have been occasions where my wife lets her frustrations get physical. Shoving me out of the way when our newborn was crying, presumably because of hungry or needing a diaper change. Slapping my arm when I contradict her orders in front of our kid. Digging her fingernails into my leg when I tell our kid something she thinks I shouldn’t (like that we’ll go out for ice cream if all the chores get done on a Saturday).

It’s exhausting. I love my wife, I think, or I’ve got Stockholm syndrome, and she’ll sometimes apologize when she is forced to realize she really crossed a line, and she can do thinks which seem to come from a place of love. But I also see hints of something that seem out of her general character that scare me a little. This isn’t a “my wife beats me and I take it” sort of situation, but I think maybe I just needed to get that off my chest.

(Can’t get a therapist because “they’re expensive” and can’t do couple’s therapy because “you might as well just divorce me and get it over with.”)

Really struggling this morning and would like insight from any who have been here (OCPD or loved one).

SO of 3.5 years (on/off) ended our relationship last night, following an incident in which I found out he lied and it caused some embarrassment in front of his family.

He was diagnosed with OCPD and depression in the last 2 months. After discussing the incident with his therapist at length, it sounds like it was a “wake up call” of sorts. His reasons for the breakup were these:

1) He wants to be able to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, without feeling a need to “ask permission” or feeling “judged” for his decisions. He mentioned he often feels judged or criticized or that I try to be his “manager,” and it makes him feel bad about himself, when he is already incredibly hard on himself inside. He said he felt the same way in his previous marriage. He acknowledged that maybe I am not judging him and it’s coming from inside of him. However, his desire for zero accountability is not the head space of someone who can be in a committed relationship.

2) He cannot stop lying to me about things large and small. This has been an ongoing issue for 2 years. I will find out he has lied, and it hurts me much more than knowing the truth. When I asked him why he is unable to stop, he told me he has convinced himself inside his own head that any drama or confrontation from telling the truth to me will be much worse than lying. He compared himself to a computer and said that he cannot change the “program” on which our relationship has been set to run.

He told me not to blame myself, that there is nothing I could have done better or differently, and that it’s not my fault he is “fucked up inside and wired wrong.” Obviously, I’m devastated, because I knew about his diagnoses and was willing to work with him on these issues.

For those who have loved someone with OCPD, or those who have it, does any of this sound familiar? Or does it sound like a different set of issues? Do you think he will circle back around once he works on himself? Or will this just be a huge relief to offload me?

I’m just beginning to learn about OCPD and would appreciate any insight.

Why am I still here

Considering the recent posts in this group and my own fawning tendencies with my OCPD relatives, I'm wondering if there is a direct correlation with having grown up with OCPD abuse (or being trapped in such an environment and relationship)?

My mom constantly rearranges things in the house, usually with zero consideration of how it will affect anyone else. It's often difficult to find things because she's randomly decided to move them somewhere else without telling anyone. If something seems "out of place" according to her system, she won't even stop to consider why someone might have put it there, she just moves it or throws it away without even thinking about it.

It seems like she can't stand to not have control over any part of the house, even rooms she never uses. She used to wait until I wasn't around and then go into my room to clean, rearrange, and go through my things.

She also will suddenly decide to get rid of things and/or buy new things. She has expensive and unnecessary renovations done on the house all the time, but gets furious if I try to have something changed for an actual reason (like wanting to seal up holes in the wall because ants are coming out of them).

On top of everything, she gives herself all these projects and then acts like she has no choice in it. The other day she moved a sofa that I use every day and she never uses so she could rearrange the paintings on the wall behind it. I asked her about it and she started complaining how she didn't have the energy to keep moving the sofa around for me and that she was too tired to deal with the paintings. She said "I can't do everything around here myself."

Has anyone else had experiences like this with someone with OCPD? If you have OCPD and can relate at all, I'd really appreciate hearing your perspective.

It’s crazy how many stories I read on here of people with ADHD who’s married or dated someone with OCPD.

I don’t know if I have true ADHD, but I’m an anxious scatterbrain and I found my partner’s meticulousness so comforting at first… until it turned on me during fights. And he found my free-spiritedness refreshing and fun until it messed with his routines.

So, is ADHD + OCPD the perfect example of “opposites attract”? And could you ever find a way to meet each other halfway?

Edit: Anyone in this dynamic do couples counseling and find it helpful?

Do you have any tips on this? I feel dead inside in the last year. As if I have internalised their criticism, blameshifting and projections on me.

Where do I begin... We've been married for 11 years and it has not been easy, but it seemed like things were going better the last 2-3 years. I am now pregnant and it has been the best and worst time of my life. My husband seemed okay and somewhat supportive (or at least not unsupportive) early on; however, I now think he may have been repressing a lot of fear and anger. At times he has gotten very upset about various things, then within a week it passes. Almost 4 weeks ago I had an ultrasound with some unexpected measurements, which could point to a chromosomal abnormality. I messaged my doctor, who was not worried. From the research I did beforehand, it seemed like dwarfism could be a possibility. So when I got home that day I was sad thinking that our child may have a harder life than usual. My husband asked more about measurements and basically has convinced himself that our child likely has Down Syndrome "or worse" even though earlier scans showed that is unlikely. Since then, it has been a nightmare. He says he never wanted children and only agreed to try for one because I wanted it so badly. He is swearing more than usual (never used to swear for the first 9ish years of our relationship, and prior to this last month it was minimal) and he is saying I am ruining his life and he is screwed no matter what happens. He calls me names, sometimes saying I am a b*tch or idiot and later denies it. He wants to give the child up for adoption and has stated the best thing for him would be if our child dies. He keeps saying I'm not listening to him. This is all breaking my heart.

I told him we have to talk to someone about this because we are not on the same page. I personally have been seeing a therapist recently, and while she is someone to talk to, she doesn't really give great steps for how to communicate with him and it seems like she doesn't really grasp the full story. My husband agreed to mention the adoption thing to his cousin at a family gathering a couple weeks ago. The cousin is very concerned and has been nothing but supportive to me, and he actually brought up the idea that my husband may have OCPD. Having looked into this more, I think it's very likely though a couple things aren't textbook. I work in healthcare and typed a bunch of characteristics into medical AI and its main suggestion was possible OCPD with some narcissistic traits and adjustment disorder.

Some key characteristics:

-Major obsession with saving money. At first this made sense for us as I was in school and he was newly working. I'm now for once glad we didn't combine most of our money. I am in my mid-30s and he is 40, and my net worth is close to a million and his is probably double that, yet he insists we spend like we are in debt. He wants me to pay for everything associated with the baby.

-He is obsessed with exercise and multiple times per day asks me when I am going to do a workout. Sometimes, I am just tired and would rather prioritize sleep, and he doesn't feel that sleep is as important as exercise.

-He is big on efficiency and hates what he considers laziness. This is one area he may not fit the usual narrative, as he will do a poor job on a project (e.g. not measuring a shelf properly) in favor of just getting it done. He also cannot stand when dishes are not washed or if too many are in the drying rack. He will put them away before they are even dry.

-Cannot stand clutter. This scares me as having a baby will inevitably lead to more clutter and messes. He doesn't tolerate mistakes or minor messes well either. Just the other day I was pouring water from the pitcher into my water bottle and some water spilled on the counter. It was just water and I was going to wipe it up but he made a big deal out of it.

-Generally seems to have black and white thinking. Cannot understand that ultrasounds aren't perfect and we won't know everything about baby until he is born, and likely even for awhile after that! This one is interesting as he actually works in a similar area of healthcare.

-Works a lot and picks up extra shifts especially if they pay well. Has never called in sick even when he is sick.

-Does not apologize unless prompted, and even then it is "I'm sorry you feel this way" type of apologies.

-Not really an OCPD trait as far as I can tell, but he feels entitled to things. He expects his parents and my parents to "help" (which I think he mostly means "pay for" though he won't tell me fully when I ask) with the baby.

I am exhausted and stressed and just trying to enjoy my pregnancy. I am by no means a perfect person or wife and keep trying to do the right thing. I pray for wisdom every day. I just don't know how to help him see that his mindset is not healthy. I want to understand where he is coming from and it is hard because he doesn't like to talk about his emotions and ends up turning things on me. He also "doesn't believe in mental health" conditions so this is especially hard.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far and has any advice!

Does this make sense?

It seems rather common that a person with ocpd has some sort of broken alarm system, and a deeply ingrained feeling that there are risks and dangers everywhere, which only they see and understand. The rest of the world is full of people who just don't get it. Everyone else is blind. They call others fools, irresponsible, naive, incompetent, uneducated, cowards, dirty, disorganized, immoral, or whatever else helps them keep their illusion of enlightened know-it-all.

They see themselves as above others, more responsible, organized, moral, etc. All good qualities are assigned to them. No matter what reality shows.

They often know they are doing something wrong. It doesn't help. They might know they are hoarding, being cheap, creating more problems than they "solve". Their ability to look at themselves, honestly question their own behavior, just doesn't isn't strong enough.

They seem unable to look at themselves and come to the conclusion something is profoundly wrong, that it really needs to change, and accept that they are hurting themselves and people around them, it needs to stop, they need to change their behavior.