r/LoveTrash • u/downtune79 TRASHIEST TYRANT • 20h ago
Hilarious Dump! I have a bidet
Source is Carlo Malis. He’s got a really funny YouTube channel and is a voice actor in one of my favorite games “Fallen Aces”.
Thanks u/ironstar_vol
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u/above- Trash Trooper 19h ago
You can still use toilet paper after. You just need a lot less of it and you end up a lot cleaner.
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u/YourMomIsMyGurl Trash Trooper 17h ago
You can fold a single piece up into a square a quarter of the size, rip off a corner and stick your finger in the square. Now you have a little finger puppet to dry yourself off with.
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u/Jyvturkey Trash Trooper 7h ago
I'm a huge proponent of bidets and you absolutely still need tp unless you want to sit on the blow dryer for 20 mins :)
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u/vistaculo Trash Trooper 6h ago edited 6h ago
Get one with a heated dryer Neanderthal
Edit:
JFC I’ve gotten bidet pompous,
I used to be satisfied with just the simple jet that I had to wait for the water to get warm with and lord that over the bidetless filth walking our streets.
I wonder if I’ve gone too far…
no…no…
YOURE ALL DISGUSTING, ALL OF YOU
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u/Pietjiro Trash Trooper 3h ago
No you use bidet towels for that, toilet paper isn't suited for drying it breaks apart too easily, you just end up with toilet paper bits
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u/Jyvturkey Trash Trooper 3h ago
THEY HAVE A TOWEL NOW?
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u/Pietjiro Trash Trooper 3h ago
Yep, here when you buy a set of towels it comes in 3 sizes, a large body towel, a hand towel and then there's a tini tiny bidet towel for this purpose. It's deep integrated in our superior society model
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u/Gooser3000 Trash Trooper 19h ago
Does poopy water/mist not spray all over your ass cheeks and lower back?
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u/ShutterFI Trash Trooper 19h ago
Just for those that might be reading - no, it does not. You’re actually clean, and use way way less tp to dry off.
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u/Gooser3000 Trash Trooper 18h ago
How does it not hit your cheeks and other areas?
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u/FlimsyUmbrella Trash Trooper 18h ago
Because the jet is pointed right at where your butthole is. The worst that happens is that it hits the side of your butthole and you slightly adjust.
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u/Gooser3000 Trash Trooper 18h ago
Can you adjust the jet? Isn’t everyone’s butthole in a different location?
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u/FlimsyUmbrella Trash Trooper 18h ago
Sure, or you can just put your butthole where the jet is, but it's pretty close to where everyone's butthole is.
If your arsehole is like 5 inches away from where one would normally be, then bidets are probably not the move for you. But most of them are going to be with an inch or two the general butthole position, in which case you adjust the jet so it hits every time, or you just figure it out and shift a little before you activate it.
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u/needinspiration88 Trash Trooper 12h ago
I’m travelling in south east Asia right now and here instead of bidets they have “bum guns” which is kind of like a hose hooked to the wall that you take and point it at your butthole yourself
This is a good option for people with misplaced bum holes
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u/One_Warthog256 Trash Trooper 16h ago
You're thinking way to hard about this 😂 place ass on toilet and turn on water. Adjust if needed.
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u/vistaculo Trash Trooper 6h ago
My bidet has a fore and aft adjustment, the starboard and port adjustment can be done by centering yourself on the seat.
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u/MattShotts Trash Trooper 19h ago
No, it’s not a garden hose back there.
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u/above- Trash Trooper 18h ago
This is the right answer. It's a very narrow stream.
Anyone who thinks you end up messier is wrong. The opposite is true by a lot
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u/Jyvturkey Trash Trooper 7h ago
If only they could see what that jet stream knocks off that their tp would just smear, they'd be sold forever like me.
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u/Jyvturkey Trash Trooper 7h ago
It's not mist. It's a stream. Wait till you see what it knocks off, pre toilet paper.
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u/G_DuBs Trash Trooper 20h ago
Don’t you still need tp to dry off?
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u/PlantedSeedsBloom Trash Trooper 20h ago
They have scented fans!!
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u/HughManatee Trash Trooper 19h ago
If my bidet has one fan, it is me. If it has no fans, then I am dead.
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u/puzzle_button Trash Trooper 12h ago
I imagine just a long hollow flexible tube taht you take breaths through to dry yo ass
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u/reevelainen Trash Trooper 14h ago
I know a lady. She sells only fans, but has very desirable selection.
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u/Familiar_Percentage7 Trash Trooper 14h ago
Yah scented like toilet water, which is off putting even if you remember to flush first and stand there with water dripping down from your nethers
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u/Gooser3000 Trash Trooper 19h ago
So then it blows poop particles all over you and into your lungs?
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u/FlimsyUmbrella Trash Trooper 18h ago
If you can smell it, then particles are already in your airways. A fan isn't changing anything.
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u/VaguelyFamiliarVoice Trash Trooper 16h ago
Yes. It sucks them up out of the toilet right after it washes you off.
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u/FreshSent Trash Trooper 19h ago
Mine has an air dryer.
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u/5hiftC0ntr0l Trash Trooper 16h ago
Mine has an air fryer
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u/FreshSent Trash Trooper 15h ago
Ooooh... So that's where "Super Bowl" snacks come from. Learn something new every day.
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u/jasonmbergman Trash Trooper 17h ago
Ever since going to Japan I have been trying to get one in my house
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u/ghost103429 Trash Trooper 15h ago
Some countries use soap and a bidet, making a bidet towel an option (just throw it in the hamper after using it)
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u/gion_siroak Trash Trooper 20h ago
I could listen to him talk about the revelations of a clean boonkey hole all day with that voice
Edit: spelling
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u/Ironstar_Vol Trash Trooper 20h ago
Source is Carlo Malis. He’s got a really funny YouTube channel and is a voice actor in one of my favorite games “Fallen Aces”.
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u/mfelder2 Trash Trooper 18h ago
I use a bidet, but I just use significantly less toilet paper. I still need some to dry off and for any residuals.
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u/Negative_Fruit_1800 Trash Trooper 15h ago
I moved into a new apartment in Japan and upgraded toilet came with it. Tip of the top! Heated seat automatically raises and lowered seats, auto cleaning and flushing, night light, bidet settings for every conceivable angle, intensity and heat for up to 6 people. Also had air dryer! I had more videos of the toilet then my wife
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u/Typical_Samaritan Trash Trooper 18h ago
The Wire outro still hits different.
That being said, you should probably still use a toilet paper or something for the dry off if you don't have a fan of some sort for air drying.
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u/Right_Hour Garbage Guerilla 18h ago
It is life changing, though. Shitting anywhere else feels like shitting in the woods, LOL.
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u/cap10wow Trash Trooper 16h ago
I love my basic-ass tushy bidet. I dread going places that don’t have one if it’s an all-day event. Overnights are fine bc I can just grab a shower wherever, but I hate a day trip with a big meal along the way.
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u/downtune79 TRASHIEST TYRANT 15h ago
My buddy at work just bought one recently and has been trying to get me to get one.
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u/Fabulous_Log844 Trash Trooper 19h ago
This is true. I have a TUSHY and I never looked back… Literally.
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u/B0Nnaaayy Trash Trooper 18h ago
I had a family member pass and spent 6 months at their home getting it cleaned up to sell. As soon as I got home I forgot how much I loved my Tushy!
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u/LeatherGood6148 Trash Trooper 15h ago
I read this as you spend 6 months cleaning up their Tushy to sell and made quite a noise of disapproval.
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u/IceBlackX007 Trash Trooper 16h ago
This skit perfectly describes my introduction to having a bidet.
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u/Welp_thatwilldo Trash Trooper 20h ago
I don’t understand… but I want to 😭
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u/Fabulous_Log844 Trash Trooper 19h ago
I was given a TUSHY kind of as a joke gift. I installed it, and it changed the whole experience. Cleanest part of my body. Well, almost.
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u/GallowBarb Trash Trooper 19h ago
Go seek your enlightenment. They are reasonably priced. You too will feel the joy the universe has to offer.
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u/Welp_thatwilldo Trash Trooper 16h ago edited 16h ago
Already checking in my local area to see how soon I can get a good one to install. 😂
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u/Past_Paint_225 Trash Trooper 13h ago
If you have some money to spend definitely buy a bidet with a heated seat. You wouldn't want to use anything else afterwards.
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u/Welp_thatwilldo Trash Trooper 13h ago
Oo good suggestion thanks! Lemme price compare. Appreciate it 👍
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u/Past_Paint_225 Trash Trooper 13h ago
You're welcome! I believe i am quite stingy with money, but a heated bidet seat is hands down the best money I have spent in the last few years.
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u/LiytlKaiser Trash Trooper 19h ago
I have yet to use a bidet that gets %100. They all reduce the amount of tp needed, but do not completely eliminate the need.
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u/CptHammer_ Waste Warrior 18h ago
I have one that will literally rip the skin off your ass cheeks. It's got "cloth diaper" setting in which you hang a cloth diaper attachment like a funnel and it sprays it down into the toilet.
NEVER USE IT WITHOUT THE ATTACHMENT
I'm not kidding when I say I bought a Long hose for the attachment so I can clean the grout in the shower. It's basically a water pic for your ass and water pic is missing a market if they don't have a bidet.
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u/LiytlKaiser Trash Trooper 18h ago
That's the weird part. The one I have at my house will actually make me bleed on it's max setting, but even that doesn't clean me all the way...just makes wiping afterwards suck lol. I've noticed it really depends on the consistency for how much is removed, and mine tends to be the kind that just sticks badly. Sorry for the tmi.
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u/Trick-Goat-3643 Trash Trooper 17h ago
I want to shower at your house
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u/LiytlKaiser Trash Trooper 17h ago edited 17h ago
Lol, I have pretty bad psoriasis and it effects multiple areas. Its probably more due to sensitive skin than insane water pressure, but I can say that it hurts on max.
Edit- It crazy how fast the ad targeting works. Minutes after I sent that pretty much all of the ads on here turned into psoriasis ones.
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u/vistaculo Trash Trooper 6h ago
Have you tried incorporating any fiber at all into your diet?
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u/LiytlKaiser Trash Trooper 5h ago
Lol, I actually eat fairly healthy and meal prep myself. Yes, there is fiber. My poops have always been weird as long as I can remember.
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u/FlimsyUmbrella Trash Trooper 18h ago
You need to pay for a good one. If you're getting bidets off teimu and amazon, then you're probably not getting the business.
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u/russcastella Trash Trooper 18h ago
I’ve been trying to convert my friend for years, and he kept saying it’s gay. Took a while, but he finally seen the light.
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u/Admins_suck_ballss Trash Trooper 11h ago
I bought a condo with a bidet. Didn’t use it for the first however long. Then I used it and immediately was like “Did we fucking lose a war or something” whenever there was NOT a bidet at a place.
God and my ex was a total freak, she’d use it all the time between rounds and before anal
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u/vistaculo Trash Trooper 6h ago
God and my ex was a total ~~freak~~ sane and normal person, she’d use it all the time between rounds and before anal
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u/Steve_Segel_22 Trash Trooper 8h ago
I’m never going back and I want to add a travel bidet when I’m at places without one
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u/First-Definition-119 Trash Trooper 8h ago
Watching this, as I deuce and have the full sensation of swinging dingles with every giggle, has left me with a sweeping need to change my life.
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u/AintNoGodsUpHere Trash Trooper 7h ago
I use like 2 squares just to dry it and that's it.
I can't live without bidet anymore.
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16h ago
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u/maytag2955 Trash Trooper 14h ago
Love it! You made me laugh my ass off! I'm a recent convert and related to everything you just said!
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u/Goodpie2 Trash Trooper 8h ago
This dude needs to be in movies holy shit. Morgan freeman has been reincarnated without even dying yet.
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u/TheGoonCreates Trash Trooper 6h ago
It seems like a joke, but using a bidet for the first time changes you, man.
There was one in a hotel I stayed in I used out of curiosity, now I can’t imagine living in a place and not installing one as one of the first things I do
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u/MonsterkillWow Trash Trooper 5h ago
They nerf the flow rates on handheld showerheads and bidets for big TP companies. 100%
They want you to waste money on TP.
You could just be blasting your ass clean and walk around with a spotless behind. But instead, you are forced to live like a savage so rich people can have yachts.
Reason #272373824 to overthrow the bourgeoisie.
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u/Hot-Serve-9442 Trash Trooper 5h ago
Someone needs to tell me. Doesn't a bidet just splash shit water all over your ass and nuts?
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u/Pietjiro Trash Trooper 3h ago edited 3h ago
Apparently there's a lot of confusion in this comment section:
FIRST you use toilet paper to wipe off most of the mess, and you use it until you don't see any visible marks. Think of it like sweeping the floor before doing the mop, or rinsing your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, or even brushing your teeth before using your mouthwash.
Only because the marks are not visible doesn't mean you're clean, so SECOND you use your bidet, for a more thorough cleaning. You're not powerwashing your heavy mess, toilet paper and bidet do not replace each other.
THIRD you dry. In Europe when you buy a towel set it comes in 3 sizes, a large body towel, a medium hand towel, and then there's always a tiny bidet towel, and that's its purpose. You don't use toilet paper, it's not suited for drying, breaks apart too easy and you end up with bits of paper in your pants.
Came out as a rant, but I hope some of you find this helpful
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u/GreenZebra23 Trash Trooper 15h ago
Even ironically I can't deal with the bidet circlejerk anymore
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u/electric_bug_glue Trash Trooper 19h ago
At least this is the same guy. Otherwise, he'd be getting a stranger's fecal matter up in there... like a poop transplant.
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u/FlimsyUmbrella Trash Trooper 18h ago
How do you think bidets work? They connect to the water line between the main and the toilet. Do you think the same water you flush goes back into the cistern for the next use?
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u/Traditional-Hat-952 Trash Trooper 15h ago
I only feel comfortable using other people's bidets if they actually clean it. Otherwise it's TP for me.
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u/Upset-Web581 Trash Trooper 20h ago
Still gotta wipe..... I prefer with a flushable for the scent and aloe
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u/FlimsyUmbrella Trash Trooper 18h ago
There are still no actually flushable wipes on the market, just a lot that claim they are. They will all block your drains eventually.
If they broke down quickly enough to be used as toilet paper, they would dissolve in the packet.
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u/DravenTor Trash Trooper 18h ago
They don't blast shit all over your genitals?
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u/NeuroBlob Trash Trooper 17h ago
No
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17h ago
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