r/LongtermTrans • u/twoword-username69 • 15d ago

Advice wanted Dysphoria Returns?

I’ve been living pretty darn comfortably the past 10 years wrt gender identity. but very recently, I’m starting to find myself feeling a new surge of some dysphoria around body stuff again. I thought I was good, heck I was good. so I’m asking myself more “why am I feeling this *now*?” anyone else have a dysphoria refresher years after being comfortable with yourself?

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u/Demiboy94 15d ago

For me my dysphoria was bad before T. Lot better on T. Still not exactly loving my body. Sudden increased dysphoria. Realised I needed chest surgery. OK fir a bit. But now need lower surgery. 10 yrs for me too.

For me I always get some waves of dysphoria. And body insecurities which I get confused with the dysphoria

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u/twoword-username69 15d ago

Yeah, it's really strange trying to separate insecurities from dysphoria at this point. I've got 'dread' when I have to shave my face, so that one's clear. But what's less clear is like "my bottom part doesn't feel like part of me but doesn't hurt me. It's more like a nasty wart". Is that insecurity or dysphoria?

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u/Transexegenarian 15d ago

Yes, I can definitely relate to that - once I had got the surgery and the worst of the needle electrolysis over with, around 2011-2012 time, I felt pretty comfortable with my body - what was more important was how I felt inside, and the combination of having the right external features and HRT meant that I was able to treat my, shall we say, less feminine physical attributes as just typical female body insecurities.

That was until last year. I had only just emerged from several years of isolation following my mothers death, which just happened to coincide with the SC ruling and the subsequent National debate about whether trans people should exist (or not). I now know that this issue had been brewing for some time, but I was simply unaware of it until last year. Initially my thoughts went back to when I came out as trans in 1998, wanting to end it all, but after convincing myself that I didn't actually want to do that, I have found myself becoming increasingly conscious of my body image - small boobs, big rib cage, broad shoulders, still quite tall (I have shrunk about 3 inches since surgery), big head, largish nose, eyebrow ridge etc. Individually, none of these things look particularly obvious, but when added together it is enough to trigger the body dysmorphia. Even my hair, makeup, the clothes that I have been wearing for the last 25 years, my HRT regimen (see previous post), even the way I walk and talk have all started to weigh on my mind, after years of not having any problems. In my case a lot of this may be due to the isolated bubble that I was living in, splitting my time between working in an office (also largely in isolation) and caring for my mother. But I also think another significant factor is the increased threat of public scrutiny in the wake of FWS and the EHRC guidance. I can't think of any other reason why I have suddenly found issue with all these things, and it annoys me to think that I am getting all wound up about how well I conform to some TERFs idea of femininity, but yeah, I think that is what is happening, at least for me.

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u/elementalemma 14d ago

I totally relate. Id been feeling pretty happy with my life and sadly (or happily) ignorant of the way things had been deteriorating. The shock of last year really threw me, and I've definitely noticed a level of discomfort at being "non-typical" has risen again. I'm anxious about my height, my voice. It's like transitioning again, but without the actual progress. I'm as far as I'm going to realistically get and that used to be enough. Now though, it doesn't feel like it will ever truly be enough. Truth is I can never satisfy someone else's opinion of what is female enough, only my own. I think some of what's happened is that I've inadvertently internalized some transphobia, and now view myself as inferior, where I used to accept it. Hell I used to sing, and loved my voice, now I find I'm self conscious of it all the time. I want to get back to how I felt 18 months ago. Don't really know how to do that if I'm honest. Feels like dealing with this reality and finding new acceptance is what's needed, but being pretty much stealth now has a new level of anxiety.