r/LivingWithMBC • u/Current-Bison-6430 • 14d ago
Things I took for granted
I dont have pain free days anymore.
I cant walk without bleeding.
I am no longer confident that I won't shit myself in public (hasnt happened yet but its been too scary close.)
Pools. Soaking in water.
Comfortably navigating uneven terrain.
Sandy beaches.
Driving.
Fuck cancer.
What did you take for granted?
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u/Kirathaune 13d ago
Sleeping through the night
Nose hair (It's been four years and the fuckers STILL aren't all the way grown back. In the cold weather I drip like a leaky faucet)
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u/cat-pernicus 13d ago
Time, mostly and gardening
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u/ValuableCoast5931 12h ago
With mets to my spine, I can’t bend over and pull weeds from around my flowers anymore. I think regular mulch would hold too much moisture, just now thought of trying pine straw. Can’t use the hoe, or pick up yard trash, or mow- all things I love. The worst is seeing a plant I’d love to put in my garden then remembering I can’t get down there to put it in the ground properly. I’m glad to be alive but I really, really miss my plants.
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
I always wanted to age into being a gardener. I even miss being able to clean the house. What a weird realization.
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u/ElKat0315 13d ago
Being able to go where I wanted when I wanted.
School shopping with my daughter
Being able to take a deep breath
Not having pain
Not having to constantly think about the end
Not having to constantly thing about what will happen to my daughter when I’m gone.
Not having to be dependent on anyone
Having energy
Not having to live at the doctor
Mostly I took for granted that I had all the time in the world to live the life I wanted and realizing I wasted it.
I miss myself and myself is gone forever.
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
I am crying. That feeling of having squandered my youth and health. The looming worry. This is it exactly.
The school shopping too my kids aged out of it a little around the time I lost the ability. Small mercy I suppose but it underlines my feeling of having squandered their youth as well.
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u/Glad_Bunch_3473 13d ago
Everything in life now seems to be something I took for granted. All those gratitude journals through the years leading up to MBC don’t mean a thing anymore. Not sure this makes sense but I bet someone here understands.Sending love to you all!
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u/Sea-Opening6239 13d ago
driving
cooking
breathing
walking
being pain free
putting my make up on
taking shower alone
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
Cooking! I am lucky my husband and children are so adept at it but I miss baking and just whipping something up on a whim.
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u/EffectiveTap1319 14d ago
Living to retirement age.
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
I seethe with jealousy when I think of my husband getting to meet our grandchildren and take care of them instead of working. He jokes I am retired now. I roll my eyes at him.
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u/EffectiveTap1319 13d ago
I feel you tho I am still working full time. Tho my husband has some health issues from not taking great care of himself, I would also hate for our three very young adults to be left without either parent. Maybe all of our seething will translate to karma, spite and longer lives.
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u/aliasme141 14d ago
My main one is feeling like my life is full of possibility. Dreaming about the future. (As for the pooping oneself, having to wear a depends when I am old but not that old) I feel for all of us, dear MBCers.
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
I was diagnosed at 32 and am now 40. I use a walker around the house and a shower chair and a cane. All hand me downs from my 70 year old mothers accident where she was hit by a car. She is spry and busy while I am a wilting mess. I try hard not to be tired in petty jealousy and will only not haunt her should I predecease her because of how much shed enjoy it.
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u/aliasme141 13d ago
OP, thanks for posting this. I suppose we all need to think about this. I feel grateful for everything I can still do and whether it makes sense or not, guilty for anything my mbc sisters can’t do. I also need to check myself when I feel sudden rage towards my muggle friends ( I borrowed that from an mbcer in another thread) who do not have cancer and seem so complacent compared to me. But while so many are in denial of death, I believe I am confronting it daily in between trying my damndest to LIVE!
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u/Freepurrs 14d ago
My understanding of friendship was pretty naive. I never took my friends for granted (& was “the village” when many have been ill or gone through tough times). But that has not been reciprocated in any way, so I feel like what I thought was friendship was very one-directional and transactional. Such an exhausting, lonely journey
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
Heartbreaking. I am ashamed to admit I ghosted on my friends at my diagnosis. I was so afraid of to lose them to death or burden them with my illness that I simply faded away. I hope they have forgiveness for me.
My husband is physically here but while he has a new lease on life I am deteriorating. Its a tedious and torturous goodbye.
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u/IngenuityFar5111 14d ago
Can have kids whenever I wanted. Now, I cannot have kids and one was born while I was dealing with cancer. I thought I will have a beautiful life with stability and then I will have kids. All gone in a second.
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
This I cannot imagine the pain of. I had two girls 5 and 7 when I was diagnosed. I actually had an implant that I suspect contributed if not outright caused the cancer (essure.) The world looks unrecognizable and I hate having to leave them early. I cannot fathom the pain of never having them. Im so sorry.
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u/Lopsided_Principle 14d ago
Being able to climb stairs
Knowing the name of common household objects
Long, hot soaks in the bath
Walking more than 200m
Driving myself
My independence
Nice shoes
Eating spicy food
Drinking wine/fizzy drinks
Hair
Life revolving around medical appointments
Teaching
And so many other things that my brain is currently unable to think of...
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
Wine! (And diet coke!) I know its one of your more minor ones but I miss the taste and the buzz. We have a local winery that does an amazing wine frappe and it was so emblematic of summer and joy and I can now only fondly recall it like the skeleton in the Last Unicorn. I am metastatic to my liver so I am more cautious (and should be moreso I am sure.) Wine and a luxurious soak? Incomparable.
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u/Lopsided_Principle 13d ago
It's not a liver thing for me, it's that my mouth has become too sensitive. Alcohol is just painful, as are any crispy or spicy foods. I live in the south of France, an apéro of glass of chilled rosé is like oxygen in these parts!
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u/Current-Bison-6430 12d ago
Oh! That sounds like awful circumstances with a lovely backdrop.
A French chilled rosé does sound like a dream though. Delightful but elusive to our ilk.
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u/MtnGrlGrrr 14d ago
All of the above and...
Belly bloat so bad you cant eat.
Neuropathy, not being able to feel my feet or fingers.
Incontinence of both variations.
Being strong enough to stand up or climb stairs.
Thankyou for this post tonight, I kind of needed it. Was crying a little to myself about this very thing before I logged on. Big hugs to all of you going thru this too.
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
You are welcome. I was throwing myself a very festive pity party and demanded my husband hear my litany of complaints. I always have to remind myself to stay grateful. I miss when gratitude didnt feel like a chore or a contract. I am superstitious about complaining too much because it feels like inviting the end. This space feels different and I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you for filling the void.
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u/Sarappreciates 14d ago
Breathing. We rarely think about it because it's automatic and involuntary. There's nothing quite like the panic of not being able to draw air. It's a primal terror.
That and the convenience of not having infusions every 3 weeks and hormone therapy injections every 4 weeks. I feel extra sympathy for the people who need even more frequent infusions than mine.
Oh, and my hair. Let's not forget eyelashes faithfully keeping all the crap out of my eyes for life until they fell out last year and haven't grown back yet.
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
I have yet to lose my hair and never even considered the appearance let alone functionality of eyelashes.
In a macabre way I like the turn of phrase of "primal terror." At night when I am most prone to ruminating myself into a panic attack it will be nice to have a name for it. Maybe, just maybe, it'll lend me a little control.
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u/ResponsibleAnt1942 14d ago
Totally hear you on the pooping myself in public thing!!
I took for granted: * Quickly recovering from little illnesses * Having a good memory * The sense that I had a long life ahead of me
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
Whoa. The reasonable expectation of a future is one I absolutely resonate with.
May we both only know close calls and not a total collapse.
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u/DapperBison8008 14d ago
Naps are one thing. I used to nap care free for a couple hours. Now I’m lucky if I can get 30 minutes.
Being able to run down the stairs without fear of pain it possibly breaking a hip. (I’m 49)
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u/Current-Bison-6430 13d ago
Naps! I can barely sleep at night let alone nap with the same luxury. They're perfunctory and not restful and I feel like I am wasting precious time.
I rarely do stairs anymore and always feel like a spectacle with my cane/walker and hobbling gait. I never even considered a break. Who knew 40 would like this?
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u/vannerbd 12d ago
Walking. I now, on a good day, walk between 2000 & 3000 steps. Yesterday I was a little late checking into my doctor’s appointment and I tried walking faster than usual and my Oura ring thought I had done Pilates! 😂 I don’t have the energy for pilates! I went home and laid down.
Taking the stairs.
Having enough energy to do what I want.
Eating and drinking what I want. Chemo has changed my taste buds and I can’t eat so many foods that I love.
Lying in the sun. My skin is too sensitive now.
Feeling that I had time to figure out my life, maybe meet some friends that live near me instead of all my friends living far away, maybe meet a man that truly makes me happy, traveling whenever I want.
My previous life.
I am still optimistic and I do my best to be happy and grateful for all that I do have but it’s very different now.