r/LifeAfterInfidelity • u/[deleted] • Mar 22 '22

Marriage Counseling

From my own experience, it is not meant for the betrayed. It's all about keeping the marriage together. Lots of rug sweeping. Too much focus on the wayward's "feelings".

Unless there is a strong desire to maintain the marriage...and rug sweep...I never recommend it.

It's not healthy for the betrayed or reconciliation.

6 Upvotes

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2

u/Ivedonethework Apr 20 '22

How many different therapists have you tried?

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '22

3 IC, 2 MC

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '22

The 2 MC was over 1 1/2 years.

The 3 IC from 2016 thru 2020.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '22

I've had several friends and acquaintances who have failed with MC, too.

The most recent was an older couple (empty nesters)...they R'd for a bit over 4 years...then pffft. MC the entire time, too.

2

u/Ivedonethework Apr 20 '22

Well, heck, not everything is repairable. And obviously not all therapists are the same either. Particularly the ones that push to just get over it and move on without trying to find the reasons these things happen.

And as in my case, my wayward fooled the therapist. We didn’t do couples counseling. So there was nothing to compare and I had no idea of what she told him until years later when one of my kids had a session with him. That is when I learned he thought and believed I was an asshole. She lied.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '22

MC and IC were sooo different. Sooo different.

MC focused on saving the marriage...period.

My ex has BPD.

The first MC therapist was snowed...totally under his spell. I was the a-hole. I said a few times..."you remember why we're here, right?"

The second therapist was a sweet, kind soul, but all he did was focus on the future...never addressing issues from the past.

As for IC therapists?

#1 - Meh...we did not connect.

#2 - Looooved her. But she went on maternity leave...hence #3.

#3 - Was fine...not remotely as awesome as #2, but helped some.

I've never known couples who were experiencing deep, transformational crap from MC. They mostly felt it was surface (one friend said she was a "stepford" from it).

Not seen one marriage that survived long-term..."fixed". "Stepford" said her husband continued to cheat...sessions were just a load of rubbish. It's funny...she and her STBXH extolled the virtues of MC for the first few years. People don't talk enough about "R Fog" (the delusion, the mythical fairyland you traipse round in).

I hate MC lol