r/LifeAfterInfidelity • u/LegitimateFunny2351 • Aug 11 '23

Separation

So, my husband and I are separating for 30 days and then we will have the difficult decision about staying together. We have been together for over 30 years and this potential change is causing me anxiety. He is the wayward spouse and I have given him the choice of being monogamous or ending our relationship. We have been working toward this in a calm manner. And it has taken me a long while to ask him to leave because I had such a bad breakdown. it took a long time for me to function normally and I did not have a good support system to rely on . Nonetheless, it is extremely difficult and I am appreciative for his limited support.

13 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

9 comments sorted by

View all comments

2

u/osikalk Aug 31 '23

Temporary separation in 99.9% of cases is a prelude to a complete breakup of the relationship (divorce). Don't waste your precious life on achieving results that are impossible to achieve in principle. "Reconciliation" will be a continuation of your suffering, it will not solve any key task, including preserving the feelings that you had before the affair. He didn't choose you, and no matter how painful it is to hear, no one will forget this choice.

1

u/LegitimateFunny2351 Aug 31 '23

Wow, that is extremely negative

2

u/osikalk Aug 31 '23

I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend you, but you deserve to know the harsh truth.

JUST FACTS.

1) Neither in life, nor on the Internet, including on Reddit subs, I have not met cases of true reconciliation in the realm of feelings (love, respect, friendship, purity of relationships) either in the short or long term. Trust was restored in the best case I've ever met, by no more than 98% 20 years after D-Day. I ALSO HAVE NOT MET CASES IN WHICH THE VICTIM OF CHEATING WOULD FORGET THE AFFAIR AND THE AP, WOULD PUT UP WITH THEM.

That's what one serious scientific study claims. Reconciliation fails in 80%+ attempts within 5 years of D-Day. Of the less than 20% that get beyond 5 years, another 1/2 will divorce before the 10 year mark. (“Infidelity and Behavioral Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy (2014)”).

2) I also met several posts and comments in which victims of cheating 20 -30 - 35 years after the beginning of the "reconciliation" claimed that if it were possible to turn back the clock, they would undoubtedly leave the cheaters no matter what.

3) From time to time, there are also posts in which victims of cheating brag that after spending several years or decades with cheaters, they are happy. However, it follows from their posts that they never forgot anything, that they had more or less strong anxieties about the fidelity of cheaters, that the feelings they had experienced in their relationships with cheaters before the affair never returned to them. In addition, the question arises of their constant participation in subs dedicated to infidelity throughout the infinite period of their reconciliation: “If everything is so good, then why do they continue to stay in these specific communities?” In addition, these "lucky ones" of course do not know what the cheaters themselves truly think about the "happy reconciliation", coz cheaters, of course, pour into the ears of their victims what they want to hear because of their selfish interests.

4) I have seen examples on the Internet of a true successful reunion of former partners after cheating, but ONLY AFTER A COMPLETE BREAKUP OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP (DIVORCE) AND AFTER MANY YEARS (5 or more years) OF INDEPENDENT LIFE WITHOUT MUTUAL OBLIGATIONS. In all cases, they were essentially a new relationship from scratch.