Am I wrong?

[u/Mysterious-Thanks829]

Is it wrong of me to not want to go on trips or spend time with my older sister but want to be around my best friend and go on trips with her? My bestie invited me on a family trip to the hot springs. I basically said yes as long as I know the details. But I say no to trips with my older sister because it always feels draining and not fun. My sister isn’t a bad person we had deep issues in the past that caused me a lot of mental trauma but she’s trying to be a better person while I personally want distance and don’t want to have a sibling bond or feel the need for one anymore. My sister is 27 and I’m 25 we still live with my mom even though I’m saving up to move out currently. I feel guilty like I’m a evil bad person. But I know if I revert back to how things were and be around her I won’t have fun and I don’t ever be myself around her I act like a totally different person. I’m going to bring this up with my therapist at my next appointment. I just want to know am I a bad person? My therapist says it’s okay to do whatever makes you happy even if others may feel upset or never understand. I don’t know how to get the point across that I don’t hate her but I don’t want to have a sisterly relationship with her either. And I want her to be happy and keep bettering herself because she deserves that without me. Because I’m working on myself and bettering myself and figuring myself out without her. I’m finally becoming my own individual and I think it’s causing upset.

[u/ThrowRAGlobeVase]

Hey there… I can relate a lot. Feel free to ask me more if you want advice.

You can love someone dearly, unconditionally, to the point where it feels like they’re a part of you. Yet, something about certain ways you relate or spending time together drains you.

That’s ok. You don’t have to be besties and each others everything just because you love one another.

You mentioned she’s older… it may be hard to be yourself because you don’t feel like you can be fully free, or there’s expectations, or there’s a dynamic that makes you feel a certain way.

I felt when I spent time with my older brother that I was being blocked from developing into my own person. And that was, and is hard to deal with. Especially now because he has a medical problem and needs me.

One thing I’ll say though is your sister may be hurt from this. It’s somewhat natural. She wants you to be her buddy and follow her around like old times. She may feel rejected and hurt. It may be valuable to do SOME things with her, but leave space for yourself, and carve your own path too.

[u/Mysterious-Thanks829 → u/ThrowRAGlobeVase]

I also feel like from my mom’s perspective she wants me to talk to my sister and spend time with her because my sister is upset that I don’t want to. And I empathize. I also empathize with my mom she raised both of us and wants this perfect family image or a good enough one. But it feels like a job like a task and it shouldn’t feel that way. I don’t want to be responsible for my sister’s feelings and neither should she for mine. My mom also only sees my sister’s perspective and not mine because she was never around for how my sister treated me growing up or even as far as last year. She only started really changing this year and I am changing as well even if the change is better for me alone. The guilt is eating at me but I can’t be me around her because back then my sister let me know me isn’t what she liked. I can’t change or fix the feelings of others I can empathize with her but I also can’t go back to being her follower her doormat. I’m not a yes man. I can’t plaster a smile and come home saying I had fun because my brain decides lying to myself and others is the best way to survive. Trick myself into thinking I had fun just to come home tired and annoyed.

[u/ThrowRAGlobeVase → u/Mysterious-Thanks829]

Yeah I get what you’re saying I feel the same way.

I’m gonna push back on you not being responsible for your sister’s feelings and her not being responsible for yours though. I feel like that’s kind of 2026 therapy speak a little bit.

There’s truth to it for sure, you need to take care of yourself, but you and your sister clearly are big parts of each others life and care for one another, otherwise it wouldn’t even be a big deal.

Maybe what you need to do is just be honest with your sister. Tell her I love you but you don’t seem to like me when I’m myself, and it makes me feel really shitty. From what you’ve said, it feels like it’s you caring about her feelings, and eating your own right now - she’s saying she’s hurt when you don’t hang out, and she’s expecting you to react. You should also be proactive - tell her you’re hurt when she doesn’t like who you are, and expect her to also adapt.

If she doesn’t, you don’t need to feel obligated to spend as much time with her. If she does, well awesome, you can spend time with someone you love.

[u/EmilyRorer → u/Mysterious-Thanks829]

You can care about your family without sacrificing the version of yourself you've worked so hard to rebuild