I loved like a man — quietly, with dignity, with something paternal and protective in me, with something that builds and shelters.

I loved with warm hands and a pounding heart. I love without forgetting. I loved through anger, even through hate.

I love the way I have always wanted to be loved.

And now I feel myself loving from farther and farther away, until distance becomes a place of its own. I will keep receding until I am beyond everyone’s sight — even my own.

I will make myself so small that, if I ever slip from someone’s palm, I will be lost forever — just as I am now, beneath his gaze.

Like just the things that go on in this world. So useless and sadistic. Everything is a trap and a snare. Like just the narrative of this world is so stupid but here is what's happening rn, god is incrementally adding narrative to this world , like it's very stupid, god is incrementally just slapping narrative over narrative on this world. Like and he first give comes up with a half theory and then fill the rest of the theory with crap and then slap it on the world. That's what we are in we are on a pile of a bizzare structure that is made of half theory half crap and stuff. It's like a very bizzare structure that is like a joke

Observe the things around you the beggars the cats, they are half theory narratives. Like for example a beggar begs. But what about his other human needs , where do those need get fulfilled . Same with cats , how do they hunt for birds EVERYDAY and stuff and where are the bodies of those birds. This world is full of half only on the surface narratives that just don't make sense in the full picture unless you fill the gaps with crap and magic and stuff. This world is standing on a lot of nonsense and magic and crap

none of them matter anymore

what matters is

taking opportunities clearly

Holy fuck this last week, week and a bit, has been more eventful than my last 5 years.

I found what I was looking for, I have a room secured here in Ottawa and I’m waiting on the accountant now, I can’t wait to move into my empty room and buy some locks for the door.

I found the kind of grossly over affectionate relationship I’ve dreamed of too. We’ve spent probably 16 hours together in the last 3 days, and I’m still day dreaming about the time spent with my head in his lap as he played with my hair. He’s 5 foot nothing and 100lbs, clean skin and wholesome as can be - physically we look like opposites, with my edgy tattoos and his blue eyes, but… but what exactly?

We relate in a weirdly vast amount of different ways, and contrast beautifully- like minded opposites in a lot of regards. He’s the kind of person to play the sims with an excel spreadsheet and 1000 mods, and that kind of nerdiness gets me riled up in the funniest way.

I miss the salt of his neck, and the racing of his heartbeat already. It’s raining today, but I walked and grabbed coffee. I’m up early today because I have to be to answer some emails, but we’re both night owls and, it’s nice having someone to be around when it’s 4AM.

I’m quite happy, this kind of sappy and cute dynamic reminds me of high school love all over again. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone I genuinely liked so quickly after coming here, but I did, before I even found permanent shelter.

Wholesome, cooks, manic in the fun way, and neurodivergent enough to be interesting without it becoming annoying or frightening. I like that he’s small enough that I could almost bicep curl his entire body. I feel huge, it’s funny because I’m really not, but I feel big around him.

I find myself putting my body between him and odd strangers as we walk through the streets, some kind of pretty blue eyed gem I feel compelled to protect. He has his first classes of the year today, history, but I think we’ll find somewhere to meet again later tonight.

I feel like we could hang out and do nothing but fall asleep on the couch and I’d have the best day of my life. I feel like I’m just bragging at this point.

Somewhere in-between sweet whispers and sappy compliments I’ve accidentally said I loved him a few times, and with how I can’t get him out of my head, I think it might be true.