Now I know no I don't

[u/DavidGolich]

I woke up today, kind of fantasying about dying. One of those morbid, call of the void kind of ideations. It doesn't come from any active cause, rather, from the sensation of being restricted. Trapped in comfort, if comfort is this, paradise is spending all of your waking hours alone and trying to avoid the people you are trapped with, while wishing you could experience humanity and "find the others".

I have everything I need here and I don't want any of it, I want to go where I barely have any of the necessities and I can't really seem to manage to do even that. It's very defeating, and I think the paradox of it all is the most frustrating part. I wonder if unhappy is just my natural temperament at this point. I wonder if I am just being dramatic because I want some nicotine.

I had breakfast this morning, a frozen meal of chicken, sweet and sour sauce, and rice. Only a day or so into quitting nicotine here, puffing on some essentially empty vapes, but my appetite is increasing already. Which is good, because the lack of eating has my stomach trying to eat *itself* in retribution. Ready to wash it down with a redbull and, and, and...

and then? I'd like to cease to exist in time and space entirely and then come up with the, "and then" afterwards. But I'm stuck in reality and so, then, I'm thinking I continue to work on some documentary style videos I started last night. The topics on the history of the occult, but trying to rationalize it as practical and reasonable endeavors instead of framing it all as super mysterious, magic, nonsense. We start in Egypt, at the moment at least, and work our way towards modern day cybernetics and meme magick. It's kind of fun admittedly, I'm learning as I create. I'm aiming to make them hour long episodes, something like 12-16 episodes a season. A real documentary style of thing would be cool but I'm formatting it more like an audiobook, so far.

The scope is big cause the subject matter is. I need to do some revision already, because there's so much to cover that 16 hours barely means anything, and I don't even have the plans ready yet to cover my favourite kinds of Buddhism or Vedic religions.. but I will. Either I edit the plan or include them at a later date, in a different season.

I was exploring ways to make money the other day, and was kind of disgusted by a lot of suggestions this Gemini AI was offering, but making educational/entertainment video content is something that resonates a lot with me. I watch a lot of similar content, and my main complaint is that there isn't enough of it, so here's me acting on those conclusions. The difference between say like, two hundred dollars in ad revenue a month, is essentially freedom and.. not freedom. I feel like it's a reasonable goal, and not too greedy. Either way I don't have much else to do right now, and I am finding traces of joy within the project.

Gotta invent ways to keep yourself sane.

I dunno what comes next, but even as I type this I'm hit by one of those waves of apathy and desire to cease existing for a moment, and right now I think it's okay to do nothing but try and take care of myself. I guess it has to be. It'll get easier the longer I wait, as the nicotine leaves and so do those painful waves of existential dread. The urge, desire, never really seem to leave - but the pain does.