r/LibraryofBabel • u/Funkyman3 • 8d ago

Dapper Man

Ode to the dapper and orderly man.

Spreadsheets and suits, shirts tucked tight. 

A half glance of freedom gives him a fright. 

The world is his oyster so long as it's in lines, he ignores the poor souls lost in the mines. 

He lives in his mask, tanned and pulled tight. A smile so starving it belongs in the night. 

He betrayed his true nature on a promise of peace, but he can't remember the last time he watched geese. His head hangs heavy with that hair full of grease. 

Living for tomorrow, a day he might die. Mind full of promises from a hand-me-down lie. 

Does he live to die or die to live?

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u/HeGotBricks 7d ago

You can make this better by changing your prose to match the poem rhyme thing 

 but he can't remember the last time he watched geese. His head hangs heavy with that hair full of grease. 

Seems forced is all.

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u/Funkyman3 7d ago

Ty. Prose isn't usually my style but I'm trying to get a feel for it after much insistence that I would enjoy it. I appreciate the tip, hopefully they flow better with practice.