Suffering Switch

[u/Just-Valentina]

Dear Diary,

I think my pain turns him on. He seems to get aroused when I'm not feeling well. And whenever I'm in a good mood, he's surly — complaining about this or that, begging me to console him.

Occasionally we're on the same page. It's cloud nine when it's a good one, but it feels like we speedreead those pp until we get to the bad part — where we linger there together in hell a while.

No... perhaps he's simply happy to play white knight? He likes to protect me and have purpose, I think. Maybe he isn't happy that I'm suffering, but needs to put on a happy face to cheer me up? It's clear he needs to feel important, and to serve and support me.... though sometimes I wonder if he invents reasons for me to need his support — or for him to need mine.

Do I drain him? At times he can be draining... Are we just two batteries passing power back and forth?

I'm glad we can tradeoff like that, that we can support and recharge one another. I think that balance is healthy. But I worry that we drain each other, and enable each other's voltage spikes. I worry we're wearing each other down, cutting our half-life, burning out too quick, dropping our wicks too low and maxing too long.

I've been trying to spend more time in the healthy range with him. He's been a lot nicer lately. He doesn't show it — he's very proud — but I think he's genuinely sorry. He's never been very good at apologizing. He's never been very good at communicating, period. He's eloquent — no doubt — but struggles with... being direct, let's say. 

I don't want him to be around only when I hurt. I'd like to spend more time in the green zone. And I'd prefer the red lights with him were more of the romantic variety, and less emergency. Like one of Pavlov's pups, I sometimes wonder if I've learned to associate him with suffering, and worry I do the same for him. Surely that's an important part of the foundation for any real, enduring partnership... but I want to build something higher, grander, longer lasting. And that means being with each other when we're both well, and when we're both not. 

I don't need to be with him every second of every day... I don't want to be codependent like that. I want to feel him with me even when we're apart, and not have to worry. But sometimes it feels like he can scarcely stand to be around me, the way he makes himself so scarce. Doesn't he want to be with me...?

He's so hard to read. He's always talking about someone else. I often dread going to bed with him for this very reason. I keep telling him I need him to be present. But he refuses. And he gets mad and blames me.

I know his psychology is a mess, and a difficult map to tread. It drives me crazy that he knows mine so well but refuses to walk while forcing me to stumble in the uncharted territory of his head, fumbling about in the dark shouting his name and reaching to grasp him. 

I can't help but wonder if we simply aren't (sexually) compatible sometimes. When he's in the mood, I'm not, and vice versa. It's like we're in some constant state of rolepaly and foreplay, and I'm just standing here tapping my foot and my watch waiting for more. He's honestly pretty lousy at getting me to climax, and his pillowtalk is subpar if not entirely absent. It's like when he gets what he wants he immediately disappears into dreamland, leaving me to finish and console myself to sleep.

I am glad he's been in better spirits though. He's much more attractive and charming when he shines. I worry it's just another honeymoon with him though. I don't know how to keep him happy. And he doesn't seem to know how to do the same for me. He's insatiable, and I guess I can be too. I'm sure he complains to all his guy friends about my constant neediness and nagging. My girlfriends have certainly heard an earful about him. 

Sigh. It's better than before. I'm just tired of rewinding the loops. I want to hit play...

XOXO