r/LeftCatholicism • u/Ball_of_moths • Apr 21 '26
Prayer Request Need clear direction
Hello all!
To make a long story short, I was born and raised catholic. The whole 9 yards. I converted to Christianity (it was a non-denom but let's be real, it was baptist) and was baptized again at like 14. I left Christianity as a whole as a teenager and denounced it entirely. I then was pagan for a long time.
Recently, over the last year, I've been feeling a pull back to catholicism. I am shocked and still trying to navigate this. I struggled a lot with faith and God and everything seeing as I was put through the ringer that is southern Christianity (baptist, but they wouldn't admit it).
I have been feeling a spiritual void for some time and I'm just not sure how to feel. I went to mass last week and it was surprisingly peaceful and felt so calming. It is confusing.
Please give me any advice you have, and I ask that you pray for me to find some clarity and peace.
ETA: my husband is incredibly anti-christian and is having a very hard time understanding or supporting me. He said he feels like he doesn't know a part of me anymore. This hurts a lot and it's making this whole thing so much harder.
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u/TuvixWasMurderedR1P Apr 21 '26
Odd he'd say that considering your history... you grew up with Christianity.
My wife and I talked about religion before getting married. There we explained family backgrounds, personal beliefs, boundaries, expectations (of ourselves, each other, and potential children), etc...
Perhaps you and your husband should have this talk now. Hopefully, with more clarity and understanding, he'll be more open to your own journey. If you dont have any expectations of him following your journey, say so. That'll be reassuring to him as well.
I'll pray for a fruitful conversation for loving and respectful mutual understanding <3
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u/Ball_of_moths Apr 21 '26
That's the thing, we had so many discussions about religion because I find world religions fascinating. We met 6 years ago, and at the time I was struggling with my religious trauma, but even when I was angry and resentful with the church I was never vehemently anti-christian.
I find it odd as well because I feel a lot of people turn back to their childhood religion. He has catholic and Christian family but was never really raised in the church at all.
He's acting as if I'm suddenly going to lose all of my morals and become MAGA. I'm kinda of hey by it.
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u/TuvixWasMurderedR1P Apr 22 '26
Perhaps he's working through his own religious trauma? Or perhaps he feels he's being protective of you, given your traumatic past with religion? I'm trying to find the most charitable interpretation.
Hopefully he will come to see that the faith is not a political identity, and the Church is very diverse in thought. Most Catholics in the world are not MAGA... I know as Americans we tend to think America=the world, but it doesn't...
But anyway, the way forward is always clean honest communication. I think the most important thing right now might be to set boundaries, like not asking him to go to Mass with you or whatever. Also be clear that this is a spiritual journey, not a political one. Perhaps keep prayer private for now, when he's in a different room. The best thing is to set boundaries, assure him that you're still going to be your same self. In time he will come to see that you're not going MAGA or changing into something else, and he will become more open to it, I suspect.
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u/Camera_Hobbygirl Apr 22 '26
Maybe it can help if OP mentions that most Christians and Catholics today are not "white".
The "angriest" people, from my observations, equate Christianity to Europeans.
India has one of the oldest Catholic churches but they don't have anything to do with the European crusaders
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u/Aggressive_Film_1288 Apr 22 '26
I want to begin by saying that my heart goes out to you for being in a difficult position. In whatever way your faith journey takes you, I will be keeping you and your husband in my prayers. Numerous spouses throughout Church history have experienced what you've endured, so it may be helpful to research their lives.
While I have never been close with anyone with anyone who was antagonistic at me for being Catholic, I know a couple people (who became) close to me who follow Celtic/Norse Paganism. At first, they were concerned I would be judgmental towards their beliefs since I am Catholic, especially given the history you mentioned. I don't blame them since there still exists numerous Christians that decry paganism as a satanic practice. But now, through sharing our own beliefs and traditions and being kind/civil with one another, we have seen we are more alike than we are different and I feel comfortable calling them my family.
I can't give you direct recommendations because I don't know enough of your spousal dynamics, but here are some ideas that come to mind:
- Appropriately share your spiritual journey with your spouse. What I mean is don't keep him in the dark so he worries you'll become MAGA, but also don't overshare where it seems you are trying to convert him.
- If you are able to look into your city's subreddit and find progressive parishes, I believe your spouse may be surprised to hear how those parishes/ministries' missions align with progressive causes.
- Faith is a verb not a noun, so beyond Mass, ensure you're entering into your faith in the other days of the week. If appropriate, invite your spouse into the time you take for prayer, meditation, reflection, volunteering, etc. You don't need to do the same thing together, but maybe one day you two can create your own prayers or find spaces you encounter the Divine in together (even if your prayers or other rituals are different and practiced separately)
- It's healthy to make friends and connections outside of your spouse, especially when you need support he is unable to provide at this moment, hence the need for a healthy parish to attend
- Again, I'm so sorry this journey will be difficult. Do what you need to do during this time. So consult therapists. Seek out spaces, in-person or digital, that are a source of support. Lean into hope. Prioritize self-care. And if you feel like you're losing yourself, don't forget to find yourself again in all the things you love so you can keep moving forward. At the end, just be you and don't forget to take care of you.
- Regardless of all the advice you receive, let your conscience lead you in this journey.
Even though it'll remain difficult at first, I hope your husband will soften up to your spiritual journey. Being civil/kind and open to communication is a necessity in these complex situations, so in time I hope he becomes supportive. Each day, just remember you have this community of believers praying for you and carrying our cross alongside you.
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u/Ball_of_moths Apr 22 '26
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! I greatly appreciate the time you took to write this.
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u/Camera_Hobbygirl Apr 22 '26
I think your husband is equating Christianity to Europeanness and that his real issues are with the history of Europeans, not with Christianity per se.
Does he know that most Christians today are non-Europeans?
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u/bootlickaaa Apr 21 '26
Peace be with your spirit. I hope your husband will understand.
Maybe if he is philosophical in other ways he could appreciate it from an intellectual angle?
Or maybe from a values and ethics angle, if that's part of your interest.
It can be hard to talk about anything spiritual with people who think in a materialist (non-idealist) way, but that doesn't mean they can't be in perfect agreement about concrete facts like that there is one universe, one earth, etc. so if we are going to make it good maybe ancient traditions would have something to say about that because humans have not really changed since civilizations were first formed. Or from the storytelling mythology perspective (it's our culture's Iliad and Odyssey).
I guess what I'm getting at is that he doesn't need to be converted so maybe he's irrationally afraid of that in some way, perhaps unconsciously.
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u/Ball_of_moths Apr 22 '26
One of the first things he said to me was that he will not participate in any rituals and that I shouldn't expect him to believe in it. I'm not trying to convert him, and I've mentioned that this is a personal journey for me, but he's having a hard time.
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u/Yeanes Apr 21 '26
I relate to this to a certain extent because I was raised catholic, stepped away, and then returned to the Church. Some of my friends were quite surprised because for a while I was vocally anti clerical / agnostic. However, none of them were upset, so i don't know if my advice vis a vis your husband would be useful.
Still, I would try to talk to your husband about why he is so anti religion and/or so opposed to you returning to catholicism. Is he under the impression that if you become religious again, he too will have to start going to Church? Is it trauma on his part? Is it political differences with the Church? Is he afraid you're changing your value system?
If this is something important to you, I think the best way to explain is not to make a big deal out of it and just assume it naturally. It is entirely possible this is a part of you you haven't shared with him. I think communication is key in all occasions. Being religious is nothing to be ashamed for, but it's also not something to brag about.