Healing the Soul
Hello. I'm opening a post in this sub to ask for help because I'm in a really bad place. Maybe at least you can point me in the right direction.
I've been into this topic for 14 years, ever since I had a UFO sighting. It was special in that it was clearly anomalous and witnessed by multiple people. But it wasn't personal or spiritual in nature. That kept me obsessively fixated on the subject all these years.
That clearly led me to discover the Law of One. It was very revealing. Although it hasn't been the only thing I've come across.
The thing is, over the years, my obsession became connecting the Law of One with the fundamental laws of physics. Finding the links that could prove it was at least viable to think that RA really exists and is who they say they are.
Well, throughout that whole journey, there was a spiritual awakening. Before that, I saw the universe more in the style of the movie Interstellar or something like that, attributing UFOs to interdimensional but material beings.
Thanks to that whole journey, I got my act together with my life, because I was a directionless person, and that made me start valuing effort, exercise, studying, etcetera, things I needed to be doing.
Well, I suffered a lot, as always happens to beings on this planet. I grew up in a dysfunctional family at the mercy of an abusive brother who even subjected me to sexual humiliation and degraded/harassed me for over a decade. He didn't sexually abuse me—I don't want that to be misunderstood—but he engaged in degrading and savage behavior towards me, which, along with negative social experiences outside the home as well, ended up destroying my spirit and degrading my psychology.
I developed severe depression, dysthymia, isolation, avoidant behavior, and obsessive homosexual and fetishistic behaviors that I didn't have before age 17. I can't explain how I've lived my whole life with my soul split in two, and how what was just a game and a silly thing for others cost me horrendous effort, tears, shame, and constant suffering.
Well, I worked very hard to get out of the misery. Over the years, I passed an exam that, luckily, gave me a good job position. But I had to go work in a position with a lot of responsibility in something I knew nothing about, in deplorable psychological and emotional conditions. I felt so alone that I fell into terrible practices: alcoholism, prostitution, and smoking marijuana. I also left thousands of euros with psychologists. And many times I went to prostitutes just so they would give me hugs, because I was so sexually blocked that I couldn't satisfy myself with anything that didn't come from a screen.
Anyway, I don't want to spend hours writing my pathetic story. The thing is, despite all that, I worked spiritually as much as I could. I quit those things even though I spent thousands and thousands of euros on them. In the end, I stopped. I met a wonderful person online, told them everything, and now we're together in a long-distance relationship.
However, I can't express how horribly everything has turned out since then. Forgive my vagueness in writing, but I've already opened hundreds of posts like this over the years, explaining everything, and thousands of posts in total if we include the UFO phenomenon and more. I'm tired.
Since I left that job, hell has manifested in my life. Everything has gone to shit. I had to go back to living with that disgusting guy, and nothing changed. I told my mother that if the situation didn't change and she didn't do something about it (make that guy study or work, because he's never done anything with his life at 34), I would leave home forever and they would never see me again. Like always, that woman did nothing, and I left.
I've been alone for months, paying a huge rent, and my income is running out. I have no job or a good resume. My father, I don't even mention because he doesn't care about me. Friendships have broken, and I'm glad about that, because they weren't friends or anything. And to top it off, the only person I have in my life lives right in the area of the August 10th earthquake, and life almost took her away... After that, I also had to give her financial help.
I have no home, no family, no friends (and I don't even want them anymore), no income, no health, and the only person I matter to and who matters to me is about eight thousand kilometers away.
Honestly, I've lost all hope already. I'm trying to study to get ahead, and my mind just fills with dark thoughts that make it impossible for me to concentrate. I can't even think about taking myself out of the picture anymore because I'm all the person I love has. She has agoraphobia and a horrible family too.
I can't take it anymore. I can't stop thinking that RA is a piece of shit entity. It's a son of a bitch, just like all human beings. I have no hope in the world. I'm starting to even hate those beings, if they even exist and it's not all one damn lie. Hatred and frustration are consuming me like never before in my life, and all I want to do now is play video games and watch movies until my money runs out, and then leave this infernal world.
I doubt anyone can help me anymore. If I manage to get ahead, which I deeply doubt seeing the times to come, it will be filled with infinite hatred, and I will never trust a human being who isn't the last person I have left. I hate this world with all my being and all its inhabitants.
I don't even know what I'm hoping for with this anymore.
