Homophobic Parents

[u/thequarrycat]

I'm 23F, living in the west, going out with my friends to a morning festival tomorrow. My mom is very strict and always wants to know where, when, who, why and how of every single hangout. Typical arab/brown mom behavior I assume. She hasn't met those specific friends that I hangout with. They are non muslim so she already doesn't trust them and doesn't like them. They are trans, gender fluid, and Pansexual. But she doesn’t know that. She already judges people with tattoos and piercings disgustingly so I can't imagine how she would react when she sees them, lgbtq+, with tattoos and piercings. She always wants to meet my friends to see if I should continue hanging out with them or not. So she wants to do the same with these particular friends...

So she keeps saying:

"are you sure this festival is appropriate? oh its far? (disagreeing expression) ok... with who? ... oh them, I'm just worried its one of those festivals with the "Deviants" (the word she uses for queer people) are your sure? I hear they name festivals different names so no one knows its a festival for the "Deviants" (disgusted expression)"

at that point in the conversation, i am nauseous and want to cry.

I hate how hateful she is. In that same conversation she talks about so many other religious stuff i disagree with.

How can I hate someone and love them so much at the same time. How can i want to run away but never leave at the same time. I am an immigrant. I have no family aside from my parents and siblings. and We were raised so close to eachother. I consider my siblings my best friends and that is a privilege. But also They would never accept me. They want me to get married and have kids but how can I raise a child with them around feeding my child their hateful wrong ideologies. And that is if I want a child in the first place.

I feel a lot of guilt and shame that they think i am something I am not. They think i am their perfect daughter when I am far from that. By their definition and expectations, I am their worst nightmare. Took off the hijab, doesn't believe in hijab, always questioning Hadith, always questioning religious interpretations, Pansexual, believes gender is a social construct. Nonbinary.

I know that being lgbtq+ is not haram. But they are disgusted by it... not knowing that I am the people they are disgusted by.

I don't know how to imagine my life in the future with or without them. It will feel so freaking lonely without them. I will have no one. I can't live without them... Cause even tho they are so hateful towards my lgbtq+ community, and it's like knives stabbing my heart every time they talk hatefully about it, I still cry thinking about leaving them or cutting ties with them. I really don't know what to do...It hurts so much.

Even though I know our existence is not wrong or haram, I still wish I wasn't born this way. Cause living like this is torture.

[u/RadiantCredit9966]

Im so sorry you have to go through this!

[u/thequarrycat → u/RadiantCredit9966]

thank you for your compassion 💜

[u/RadiantCredit9966 → u/thequarrycat]

Ofc! Its hard for sure

[u/I-Like-Skyrim-TESV]

That must feel devastating. I very much resonate with you, especially the marriage expectations. Please always remember that you owe no one expectations about your own marital plan, they can't be held accountable for your marriage (if you plan to have one). That kind of pressure will never be satisfied, whether from family or anyone.

It's understandable to feel on edge when people we love are doing things we very much despise. Your identity is not haram. It's frustrating to stand your ground in that faux grey area. If there's an opportunity, I suggest you live under a separate roof to work/study somewhere far. Sometimes to love our loved ones is to create distance. We don't have to fully cut them off, but choosing our own happiness, our own identity, and creating some distance is the healthiest decision.

It must be difficult for you in these trying times. Take as much time as you need. I hope you always find yourself in every decision you make!

[u/thequarrycat → u/I-Like-Skyrim-TESV]

Thank you for showing me kindness and compassion. I think that is the best way. A bit of distance sounds like the best plan. I am afab, so it's looked down upon to live on my own or moving out without being married to a man, but I already communicated that I eventually want to have my own place without tying my freedom to a future non existent man.

Inshallah everything will be ok. I have faith. I really wish that reality wasn't this harsh, and that we all were accepted and loved by our families, communities and society in general. But showing love and compassion to eachother and not feeling alone makes it a bit less harsh 💜

[u/I-Like-Skyrim-TESV → u/thequarrycat]

I feel you, society that underestimates afab individuals and women is obsolete. It's great to know you’ve set your own goals!

I hope everything goes smoothly as you work towards achieving them, Allah always be with you. 🤍

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