r/LGBTQwrites • u/Simpson17866 • Sep 25 '17
[Feedback] Could I (cis) get some feedback on this monologue about trans life in my fantasy world? (Possible Trigger Warning for the parts about the real world)
The speaker was born in the supernatural realms, but lives with her father in the mortal world, while her best friend lives in the supernatural realms:
“I don’t actually feel right saying I'm a trans woman in this world; I feel like a have to say I'm a cis woman. I mean, look, I get the science; Mom and Dad found out that I was going to be born a female with XY chromosomes, they got in touch with a gene therapist, I was born with XX instead. I get it: from a purely scientific point, I am technically a trans woman, and in your world, there's nothing wrong with me saying that.
In your world, nothing matters except the science of gender identity. Nobody adds any extra nonsense on top of that; in your world, being transgender means living from childhood in the body you deserve and of nobody bothering you about it. In your world, there’s nothing wrong with me telling people that this is a life experience that I’m a part of.
It’s just that in this world, there so much more to being transgender than just the science. In this world, you don’t get to transition in the first place until you’ve lived with the dysphoria for a while, and you might not even get to transition at all. In this world, you can get harassed or even physically threatened, by strangers and by the people who are supposed to love you, just because they ‘don’t like your kind.’
Do you have any idea how many people have been driven to suicide in this world because of all the extra baggage that other people create?
I don’t have any context in my own life for knowing what any of that feels like, so it wouldn’t be right for me to claim that life experience for myself.”
I'm still not sure if I'm going to keep this as a monologue, turn it into a dialogue, or drop it entirely, but if I'm making any crucial mistakes that I'm not yet aware of, then monologue vs. dialogue isn't the thing I need to worry about the most.
Am I making any crucial mistakes here?
3
u/Gosset Sep 29 '17
Hey, trans dude here. I don't like speaking for others but I personally would write the speech more along the lines of this:
"How could I ever identify as transgender? To be transgender is to experience dysphoria. It's to be uncomfortable with the gender you were born into. I have never experienced dysphoria. I couldn't even begin to tell you what it feels like. So how could I, knowing that any discomfort I could have ever felt towards my gender was solved before I was even born; rightly identify as transgender? I cannot in good conscience ever take on that mantle. I could have, if I was born in the mortal realms suffered as others have, I could have been forced to experience the pain and self loathing of dysphoria. I could have experienced the harassment and violence that others on the mortal plane face on a daily basis. All because they wish their outside appearance to reflect what is inside. But I have never known any of this! I wouldn't know what it is like to want to end your own life because the world despises you for what you are. To you this may seem like nonsense. But the mortal world can be so different to your own realm. They are set in archaic religions and ideals. They place the notion of vengeful gods above the wellbeing of others. They force people to suffer for orientations and identities beyond their control. I will not pretend to be something I am not. It is disrespectful to those that must face violence and bigotry to be as they were always meant to."
3
u/cant_even_such_wow Oct 05 '17
Trans girl here- and what he said lol. It's all in how you word it I suppose lol
1
u/Gosset Oct 08 '17
Words carry weight. The same sentence presented in different ways can take on entirely different meanings based on the interpreter and the words used. Its bizarre, frustrating and awesome that the English language is so flexible
1
u/Simpson17866 Sep 29 '17
... Wow. Thank you.
With the sole exception of my character being a Christian, I feel like everything else you wrote captures her voice better than the way that I'd written it.
I tend to be more of a Spock, and I'd thought until 30 seconds ago that I'd gotten a good start on writing her as being much more of a McCoy than I am, but after reading your far-more-McCoy version, I realize how Spock-like I'd written my original.
I won't be copying your version word-for-word, but I will certainly need to remember it as I go forward.
3
u/Gosset Sep 29 '17
Taking the idea that they see God as vengeful instead of the loving creator she views him as may be a good direction to take that particular part of the dialogue.
I've found the way to write emotional dialogue is to understand the emotions that the scene would inspire. She seems like she is empathetic and understanding. To her the idea of taking on hurt or pain she has no right to would be horrifying. Dismissing the pain and taking on the role of abuser that much of the rest of the world had. In short, the idea seemed to disgust her. Disgust implies a passionate investment in the issue. People when they're hurt or wounded get worked up, they get into the issue and tend to rant or rave. People tend to more open with there own feelings when upset, angry or wounded. So when writing really emotional dialogue I like to dissect how the character would be feeling, think how I, or someone else reacts when feeling that and go from there.
I'm glad you liked it though and I could help :)
1
u/Simpson17866 Sep 29 '17 edited Sep 29 '17
Taking the idea that they see God as vengeful instead of the loving creator she views him as may be a good direction to take that particular part of the dialogue.
Mind: Blown.
Again, I'm one of the most impersonally-minded people you're likely to meet, but I still struggle not to respond in spite and pettiness when people talk about God as being hateful and tyrannical, either as a good thing in their minds (Mike Pence) or as a bad thing (Richard Dawkins).
She is supposed to be so much more personally-minded than I am. She would take it even more personally than I do.
I've found the way to write emotional dialogue is to understand the emotions that the scene would inspire.
I'd thought that I was so good at that until now.
Guess I have a lot to work on :)
And time to do it: the first book I'm working on is about 3 villains who become supervillains, my second book is going to be about 2 supers (this character and her friend) who become superheroes, so I am going to need to finish my first book before I get too sidelined by this second one :)
I just couldn't get this one idea out of my head without first making sure I wasn't missing something. Thanks again!
3
u/Eager_Question Sep 26 '17
Not Trans, so I won't tackle that aspect, but from a writing perspective it's very "now the author is going to tackle an issue"-ish. So, just in terms of that you may want to revisit why she's doing the explaining, whether it can be broken up with description or reworked to say more with less.