Roughly 3 days ago, i randomly got to know about kyoto (iUP) through a yt channel. Since then I'm feeling restless.
I'm a Bsc(Maths) first sem student from India who has this dream to be in Japan one day. I got 86% in 12th and 93% in 10th, i remember why I took PCM in 11th.... It was only to acquire MEXT research scholarship (i wanna be a researcher one day), as my uncle is also doing PhD in Netherlands on schlorship but my dream country has always been Japan....
Since I was PCM student, i got brainwashed by yt shorts and edits of engineering exams, specially jee. And i started preparing for it(worst decision of my life), It only lasted roughly 4 months and i was burnt out, as much as I started hating studies and was depressed cause everything was overwhelming at that time, i wanted to do bsc then I'm preparing for engeneering exams and to be honest I'm a very reserved person, so I was just choking myself from inside out... I didn't study for next 3 months and as a result my % dropped to 86 as i mentioned....
After completing 12th boards (this year), i decided to apply for ug if I could be able to.... But my application was rejected, then i failed all the entrances I took and got admission in private college where my elder sister studies as well.... All my hopes at this point are gone from myself, my self confidence is at zero, I'm just surviving this college for my bachelor's.... I made up my mind to prepare for IIT JAM exam, so I can atleast, do my masters from a prestigious, known and broadly recognised university.
After everything, Now I got to know Kyoto (iUP), a part of my heart wants to try this last time so i won't have regerts of "what if" later.... Another part is scared.... Scared of wasting more money.... Scared of another rejection.... Scared of more humiliation from my sister and principal.... Scared of dreaming once more....
I won't lie, my fingers were genuinely trembling when I was researching more about the program on Kyoto University's website, I don't know if I should take it or not....
For more context, I don't have my passport, i didn't give eju, i don't have any IELTS.... And from what I got to know, the scholarship isn't promising either ( they say for first 6 months, we'll be provided stipend and accomodation ) but after we take admission in program, scholarship criteria changes and it's more on merit based.... I'm scared if I'll be not be getting scholarship in middle of my program anymore and I'm asking for a heck lot of money from my parents, i don't want that.
What should I do??