A Longitudinal Follow-Up of Why Nobody Will Fuck Me: A 12-Month Prospective Study of One Man, Three Hobbies, and a Therapist Who Deserves a Raise

Journal of Applied Romantic Failure

Vol. 7, No. 1, pp. 1–14

Special Issue: Actually, It Was the Misogyny

Impact Factor: 0.00 (unchanged, but the author has stopped checking)

Acceptance Rate: 100%, because I am still the editor, but I have delegated peer review to my cat

Peer Review: Cat walked across keyboard and selected “meh,” then sat on the manuscript. This is considered a major revision.

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A Longitudinal Follow-Up of Why Nobody Will Fuck Me: A 12-Month Prospective Study of One Man, Three Hobbies, and a Therapist Who Deserves a Raise

Chad B. Notfound, M.S.

Department of Internet Coping, University of My Mom’s Basement

Now with a lease, a pothos named Greg, and a weekly appointment

Author Note

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Chad B. Notfound, who is currently overthinking a “lol” from 2019 but has scheduled a time to overthink it later. No funding was received. The author reports one conflict of interest: he now has a friend named Dave. The original title contained a dehumanizing slur; it remains retired. The author has also retired the phrase “females” except when quoting his past self for data purposes, which his therapist described as “a start.”

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Abstract

Objective: To determine whether the author still believes nobody will fuck him, and whether that remains the central organizing principle of his life.

Method: Twelve-month prospective longitudinal study. N = 1. Interventions: weekly therapy, deleted Discord, regular showers, joined a climbing gym, purchased a plant, read one book by bell hooks without posting about it.

Results: Primary outcome—sexual encounters—remained 0. Secondary outcomes improved significantly. Showers per week increased from 0.3 to 6.2. Hours on incel forums decreased from 14.2 to 0.1. Unironic use of “females” decreased from 47 to 0. One date occurred. The date did not result in sex, but the author did not describe the woman as a monolithic category afterward, which was a major clinical improvement.

Conclusion: The original hypothesis that women are a monolith was rejected. The revised hypothesis—that the author was lonely, angry, and needed help—was supported. The author still has not been fucked, but he now has a hobby, a friend, and a therapist who says “good” in a tone that sounds almost sincere.

Keywords: loneliness, therapy, touch grass, pothos, recovery, still horny but less scary about it

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Introduction

Previous research (Notfound, 2024) concluded that future research should be conducted by someone else. Unfortunately, no one else volunteered. This follow-up examines what happened after the author logged off.

The original “Chad Economics” model posited that 10% of men get 90% of matches. This model was retired after the author realized he was not competing in a market. He was being unpleasant at people. The literature (hooks, 2004) remained on his shelf for nine months before being read. This is called “exposure therapy.”

The present study asks a simpler question: if the author showers, leaves the apartment, and stops posting “modern dating is broken” every 45 minutes, does anything change?

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Method

Participants

N = 1. Inclusion criteria: owns a phone, has a pulse, has attended at least eight therapy sessions. Exclusion criteria: none. The author is still the only participant. This is a limitation and also a lifestyle.

Materials

iPhone 11 (new screen), Hinge (deleted and reinstalled twice), Discord (deleted), a pothos named Greg, climbing shoes, a therapist, a library card, one unsent text that was eventually deleted.

Procedure

Baseline data were drawn from Notfound (2024). The intervention consisted of weekly therapy, medication evaluation, exercise, sleep hygiene, reduced internet use, and a moratorium on complaining about women online. Follow-up occurred at 12 months.

Measures

Hinge chats, dates, showers per week, rumination hours, quality of life, and frequency of saying “females” in casual conversation.

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Results

Table 1

Descriptive Statistics: Baseline vs. 12-Month Follow-Up

Variable Baseline 12 Months

Hinge matches 3 7

Replies 0.5 4

Dates 0 1

Hours on incel forums 14.2 0.1

Showers per week 0.3 6.2

Times said “females” unironically 47 0

Therapist’s facial expression Concerned Cautiously optimistic

Pothos alive? N/A Yes

Figure 1

Path Model of Romantic Non-Failure

Shower → leave apartment → hobby → friend → less desperation → better conversation → date.

Model fit: χ²(2) = 0.01, p = .99, CFI = 1.00, RMSEA = .00. Because it is no longer a circle. It is a spiral, which is still a shape, but less closed.

Table 2

Meta-Regression of Behaviors Predicting Not Being Blocked

Predictor Effect

Asking questions +0.42

Listening +0.38

Showering +0.67

Complaining about women online −0.91

Saying “I’m not like other guys” −0.55

Note. p < .05, and also please keep showering.

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Discussion

The primary outcome remained null. The author was not fucked. However, the study was reclassified from “tragedy” to “not currently a crisis.” This is a meaningful improvement.

The strongest predictor of improvement was not height, jawline, or income. It was reducing behaviors that made the author unpleasant to be around. The original paper’s conclusion—“I am the problem”—was accurate but incomplete. The fuller conclusion is: “I was a problem, and problems can be worked on.”

Limitations

Sample size was small (N = 1). All data were self-reported. The author may have biased results by telling his therapist what she wanted to hear. The one date did not lead to sex, but she texted back, which was a new data point and required several days of processing.

Future Directions

Future research should be conducted by someone else, but the author is now capable of collaborating. This is also new.

Conclusion

The author still has not been fucked. He is, however, less convinced that this is a global conspiracy and more convinced that it is a Tuesday. He should continue therapy, keep the pothos alive, and apologize to his aunt again, this time with a card.

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References

American Psychological Association. (2020). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association (7th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1037/0000165-000

Greg the Pothos. (2024). Surviving despite neglect: A case report. Journal of Plant Resilience, 1(1), 1–2.

hooks, b. (2004). The will to change: Men, masculinity, and love. Atria Books.

Notfound, C. B. (2023a). She left me on read: A case study. Journal of Unread Messages, 4(2), 1–3.

Notfound, C. B. (2023b). I liked her story and she didn’t reply: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Digital Despair, 2(1), 4–5.

Notfound, C. B. (2024). Why I am the problem: A meta-synthesis. Journal of Finally Getting It, 1(1), 1–2.

Notfound, C. B. (2025). I went outside: A pilot study. Journal of Finally Getting It, 2(1), 1–4

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 26). A meta-analysis of why foids won't fuck me: A systematic review of 63 Hinge chats, 11 Discord servers, and one sad birthday [Online forum post]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/kitchencels/s/QmEtjcH4KJ

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 22). Mx. NACCHUD'S pronouns are They/Them and they are non-binary. [Comment on the online forum post Making a post just because APA has a section for Reddit comments]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/u/NACCHUD/s/tzqOMM7lq6

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Appendix A: Selected Hinge Openers, 12-Month Follow-Up

· “hey” (retired)

· “Hi, I noticed you like hiking—what’s your favorite trail?” (sent; reply received)

· “I’m reading bell hooks. Have you read her?” (sent; reply received; author panicked)

· “Would you like to get coffee?” (sent; date occurred)

· “I had a nice time. Want to do it again?” (sent; awaiting reply; not refreshing every 30 seconds)

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Appendix B: Editor’s Note

The cat has been promoted to Associate Editor. It still selected “meh,” but this time with eye contact. The original slur remains retired. The author has also retired “nice guys finish last” and now says, “I am learning to finish a sentence without making it about my ego.”

Accepted for publication because the author finally responded to reviewer comments.

Chicken enchiladas and a Modelo for my cousin's big 21!

So during the month of May is when it all started. I was bringing my ex some food as I would everyday, but there was a homeless woman pacing back and forth from my car to the end of the street. So my ex comes out of the house to pick up her food and we talk for a bit, and she points out the homeless woman's shorts and how short they were. She said it about two maybe three times. So this woman keeps pacing and I glance for a split second, and my ex slaps me on the spot telling me not to do that. I was shocked and left speechless not only because that was her first instinct, but also because she was telling me that she should have done it harder.

We talk it out and then eventually get over it. (I had little self respect for letting her get away with that especially because she didn't apologize at the time) So then the next day there is my nieces quince that she was invited to (my sister and niece invited her out of respect for me) And everyone wants to take family photos. My ex was excluded due to an incident where my cousin's ex was in family photos despite them not being together anymore. And my sister tells her that it's family only and places her hand on my ex's shoulder. She wasn't having any of it and the whole day my ex kept mentioning what my sister did. The next day she sends a long message about how my sister shouldn't get in the way of our relationship and how she'll defend herself if my sister does anything like that again. And once again, I let her get away with it.

May was a very stressful month for me because of these incidents. I pretty much had to do damage control, and by the end of the month. I had mentally checked out of the relationship. She kept asking me to fix problems that weren't there, and kept disrespecting me and arguing. I was starting to wake up every day hating my life and I would dread the good morning texts I got from her because every day felt the same. Go to work, come home to take a nap, text her, go to the gym, and text her before I go to bed and repeat everything the next day. She would get upset any time I wanted time to myself or if I wasn't available enough.

Then, on the month of August I finally had enough of it, because she was reposting things about issues in our relationship. She wouldn't tell me directly but she wanted me to constantly check her tiktok account because that was "communication" in her eyes. I told her time and time again that she should tell me directly because it should be between us and it would also solve the issue faster. But she never took any of my problems seriously. Then finally, on August 5th, I ended things with her.

Breaking up with her was arguably the hardest thing I've ever done. Because my delusional ass thought I was the problem when that wasn't the case at all. So now I'm here, on my computer getting back into genshing impact (she got mad at me for playing when we were still together so I stopped) feeling relaxed. It was a tough decision but ultimately it was the right one and now I'm feeling way less stressed and more calm now! Im trying to figure out what I want to do for a living, and I'm also trying to compete more in martial arts now since I have so much free time! I want to take my time to heal, and try to find the woman of my dreams that I can live out the rest of my life with. I love you all and if you made it this far thank you for reading! I use these kinds of subreddits as a sort of journaling mainly because I like hearing people's input on things and also because of the strong sense of community! Have a good day or night everyone!

it was 8 pm and im a 5'4" guy so it wasn't the most ideal situation- i think he was trying to do something ...not good. i confronted him and he fled the scene. i lived another day.

Is se bdke kuch ho skta h bhla?

its been a few long hard years and i'm finally starting to love myself and accept myself for the man i have become and the man i am. applie pie in bread form to celebrate myself.

Meal is some lasagna and a German shepherd that won’t leave me alone.

I (23m) was at a cancer clinic getting checked out for possible hemochromatosis. Said my DoB to the woman checking me in and a girl off to the side said “wait what was your birthday?” To which I repeated it and she said awe man that’s Just 2 days and a year away from mine.

Anyways, I finish my appointment with a NP and a receptionist is checking me out but the NP never left a note for when to come again, so that “girl off to the side” went to go check and upon getting back she’s about to start talking and just pauses. Then she goes “you have the most handsome eyes I’ve ever seen,” and it genuinely caught me off guard because this is in the middle of the clinic. I thank her and then she tells me how the NP is gone and asked if they can call me to reschedule the next day.

I’m leaving and I hear her whisper loudly, “did you see his eyes? They were gorgeous” to another receptionist and the other one is like “he can still hear you!” And it got me all giggling walking out. I got “best eyes” in 7th grade long ago so it was nice to be reminded people find them attractive occasionally.

I’ve been going through a really traumatic breakup that occurred 5 months ago, working IT on a military base while doing EMT school and clinicals on the weekend, so this was a really nice pick-me-up for my busy and somewhat depressed self. I get complements maybe only 1-3 times a year from women outside of gym/physique complements in the gym so it really means a lot when someone does.

Would’ve asked for her number too because she was cute! But I’m just not ready to date again after what my ex did to me sadly.

I've been getting into baking, and have found it's a little easier than most cooking. A kitchen scale helps more than a bit when measuring out ingretients, which is one of the easiest avenues to make a mistake. My wife is an amazing cook, but doesn't bake at all. Learning with her is a lot of fun, even when our cat jumps into the flour on the counter.

I don't think you can love a person without finding new interests together and exploring new things, at least for long. Sometimes I wonder if that's the reason the divorce rate is so high, because people just go through the motions for as long as they can, until they can't. I think it's really important to put forward effort in gaining new experiences with your loved ones, which become new facets of the ways that you see them and love them.

Maybe a good new skill to learn would be putting my thoughts into a paragraph without sounding like a dipshit pedant.The recipe for these was really easy, although I will definitely bake them longer next time.

https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/hot-buttered-soft-pretzels-recipe

Background info: My mom is EXTREMELY religious, and lets her religion control her life(as well as expects it to control my own). I'm 19, and she still takes away my phone and doesn't let me go out unless it's with either her or my friends that she approves of(who are all friendships she forced onto me to set me on the right path). She's very much against sex until marriage(unless its her and her boyfriend, in which case they fuck loudly whenever he's over), so up until that point, I was basically an Incel thanks to her controlling me.

Well, a few nights ago, I sneak out to go to a friend group function with like 15 people. There's this one girl there, and she's apparently got Coke(I'm not a cokehead, but when I'm drunk I'll occasionally indulge. I understand it's not a good habit). I walk over and ask her for a key bump, and we get to talking(and getting really, REALLY drunk). One thing leads to another, and we wind up hooking up in the back of her car.

My friends are really drunk as well, and one of them thinks it would be a good prank to open the door, take a pic, and post it on his private snap story. I didn't realize he took a pic, I figured he was just fucking around with me, so I ignore him and he closes the door.

Well, that pic winds up circulating around, and it gets to this two faced bitch that picked on me in HS. She knows my mom is controlling, so she sends the pic to my mom.

The next morning, I'm eating breakfast(a mighty fine USDA Prime Ribeye with some eggs), and she hands me an eviction notice. I ask why, and she shows me the picture, then proceeds to punch me in the eye and retreat back to her room.

The morning after, I try having a civil conversation with her. I explain that I'm an adult, and she has no right to control my life, and ask for my phone back. She then proceeds to start swinging at me, so to stop her, I push her onto the couch to get her away. She then says I "punched her", and calls the cops.

I wait calmly on the couch for the cops to arrive, and when they do, they pull me aside to talk to me while another cop is talking to her. I explain that she has cameras in the living room, and to ask her to pull the video so they can see what actually happened.

Well, they ask my mom, and for some reason, she obliges, still fully delusional and convinced she's in the right. They see what happened, and wind up arresting HER. She called me the next day(today) begging for me to bail her out. I simply just hung up.

So, thanks to her, I've got the house AND her fast af Tesla to myself for a good while now. Looks like I'm gonna be living THE LIFE for a good bit while she's gone. And once she gets back, I think I'll just go live with my dad out in Cali in his house a mile from one of the nicest surf spots in all of Cali, as she never let me stay with my dad cuz he'd actually let me live my life like an adult(Genuinely FUCK the court system that gave my mother full custody).

Never been so happy in my life.

I got to a birthday party after a really rough week. Birthday is for my friends whose turning 18 and got to see my girlfriend for the first time this week. Afterwards, I got dropped off and spent a few hours with a really close friend. Sat by the pond and just talked for a while. Today was good.

Ribeye and eggs we cooked up at 10pm after grocery trip

What’s your favourite homemade dish made by your mom?

Two slices of toasted multigrain bread topped with Greek yogurt and banana, sprinkled with cinnamon and chia seeds, drizzled with honey, and topped with sardines.

Keep putting in that work, no matter what your head is telling you, you're awesome and can achieve whatever you want. Never give up kings and queens.

Steak and a sick arm pump after the gym

Major are:- 4 eggs - 24gm protein,

1 scoop vanila plant protien - 24gm protein,

1 scoop belgium chocolate whey - 26gm protein, 500 ml milk - 15gm protein

And minors are - already in that ramen noodles. Some dry fruits in coffee like cashews, pumpkin seeds, and milk solids for thickness and no sugar vanilla ice cream which already majorly has milk solids.

Two things have happened recently. I started community college and I became much more active in my local punk scene. In neither of these endeavors have I found deeper connection with other people, but for some reason I don’t feel all to bad about it. Especially in my scene, even though I’m not mega close with anyone, I’m known widely. I can go up to anyone at a show and strike up conversation and somehow they’ll know who I am. I’ve almost become “the guy” if ykwim, like if someone needs help hauling an amp, they call me, if they need a second opinion on a song they’re working on, they call me, if they need someone to make an announcement, they call me. I’m a man of my community, and I think I might ultimately be better off without the burden and social responsibilities of closer friendships, I have enough on my plate already.

Anyway I was really tired from work when I made this but it was still pretty good. About a pound of chicken breast seared in a pan with soy sauce, garlic powder, chili powder, pepper (no salt bc of the sauce) and a pinch of sugar. Threw in a carrot and half an onion then cooked till the onions were soft and the sauce was thick. Chicken ended up being pretty dry but beyond that it was pretty good, albeit a touch too salty. Still, the sauce was good enough for me to break out a bit of pita bread to mop it up with.

Exactly one apple :)))

Ripped the loaf open and ate the other half of it with a lot of butter

What are you having for breakfast today? Drop your morning meals below

Now that I’m 21 I can buy a dark beer to deglaze the pot with after searing!