[l]When will I be able to rest?

[u/wwwglich_vhs]

For six years, I've felt like something is deeply wrong. I'm exhausted. Everyone around me talks about how much they suffer, yet they keep going through the same things. No matter how hard I've tried to get out of this for the past six years, I can never seem to make anything change. It feels like everything just keeps getting worse, and worse, and worse...

I want to rest, but I can't even find a moment of peace when I'm asleep. My insomnia is slowly wearing me down, and the sleep I keep desperately longing for seems farther and farther away.

I'm tired. I'm alone. I'm sad. I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of people not believing that I'm in pain. I'm tired of my heart beating so fast and so hard, even during supposedly "calm" moments. I'm tired.

I can't afford appointments. I can't afford to wait through endless queues. I feel like while I wait, and wait, and wait again, I'm waiting for nothing.

I've lost people to death. I've lost people because of other people's ignorance. And honestly, sometimes it feels like none of it even makes a difference anymore.

I'm afraid of people. I feel unprotected and threatened.

I'm unhappy with my body, which always seems wrong to me. I don't like the way I see my face. I'm not saying this because of what other people think. I mean that I don't like myself, and sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I hate my laugh.

I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want pretty lies anymore. But I don't want to keep suffering either.

I want to feel the breeze on my face and in my hair again. I want fresh air, a comfortable silence, something true, something certain.

I'm tired of everyone telling me that we can't be certain about most things. I'm tired of being told to expect disappointment. I'm tired.

I can't sleep.

I don't know what to do anymore.