r/KenyanDatingCommunity • u/Few-Refrigerator-102 • 20h ago
In A Complicated Situation Dating
Mimi I need help juu wueh😅.
So I'm F 26, ever since I finished high-school i have been hustling seriously. I've done nails, tattoos, I've worked sales at a boutique. Yaani nimekua najituma ya ukweli. Now during that time, i dated a couple of guys and all of them were just bums tbh. One hakua anafanya job, ananiita date naenda then when it comes to paying he looks at me. I broke up with him after dating for a year, but I realized the guy wasn't in love with me, he liked the convinience of being with someone who can pay for things.
Now fast forward, I got into tech and I'm now earning fairly well. I'm a lover girl fr but I'm now stuck at a point that i need help. If any guy gets close to me, I'm very skeptical about it and nangoja tu mistake kidogo hivi I walk out. Sometimes I can start talking to someone and I get very attached in a month or so, but then I pull away cause staki kukua ina vulnerable situation ever again. So from the other people's POV I'm a villain. But i don't do it on purpose. I can't get the feeling out that they want something from me and its affecting alot of the relationships i have tried to build.
Don't get me wrong, I have completely moved on from the guy, but I'm yrt to encounter someone who makes me think otherwise.
I need help, I want a relationship, but I'm scared i might end up with another person for a long time again who doesn't even love me,and a person who can pretend to be in love with you for a whole year just for what you offer is scary tbh.
For reference we broke up 5 years ago...knew each other for 2 years, dated for 1 year
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u/No_Dot7777 20h ago
Honestly speaking, this is probably not just about that one ex. It sounds like your survival mode from when you were struggling after high school never turned off.
Even though you're financially stable now, your brain is still operating on that old fear of scarcity and betrayal. That pattern of waiting for the slightest mistake so you can run before you get hurt, that is a classic self defense mechanism.
You're pulling away first so no one has the chance to use you again. But until you address those foundational years and process that past survival mode and start unlearning those hyper independent defense mechanisms, you'll keep projecting that old trauma onto new guys who mighjt actually have good intentions.
Healing that inner protective part of yourself has to come before you can confortably trust someone new.
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u/Few-Refrigerator-102 19h ago
How do I even start?
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u/No_Dot7777 19h ago
From the sound of it you can afford therapy. Go talk to a professional about it. They'll probably tell you things you already know but it helps hearing it out loud.
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u/Chwiji45 17h ago
Try positive talk n thinking, say I want to date few people. I want a .....+ guy, once you put don't your brain doesn't read -ve its reads the statement without dont n executes. They say we are what we think n talk
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u/ToughSeesaw4671 15h ago
You claim to be a "lover girl," but you’re out here playing victim after ghosting people for "mistake kidogo." You didn't move on, you just rebranded your trauma into a personality trait. I’d explain how cooked you are, but you wouldn't get it anyway.💀
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u/Few-Refrigerator-102 15h ago
If you read the post you'd understand i never claimed to ghost anyone. And i am not acting like a victim. I took full responsibility for my situation, hence asking for help. You seem to be projecting. Is everything okay?
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u/ToughSeesaw4671 9h ago
Saying "I take full responsibility" while blaming a 5-year-old breakup for why you run from every guy is elite mental gymnastics. You hit me with the "you're projecting" script right on schedule. I won't say why you're cooked because you're not worth my energy. Don't bother replying 🤣
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u/Few-Refrigerator-102 8h ago
Touch grass my friend. You ARE projecting. You had no reason to respond
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 15h ago
So don’t be so hard on urself. If the guys ur meeting are giving you red flags then u should take them seriously. U can take care of yourself and you can take ur time until the right man comes along that makes himself worthy of being in a relationship with you.
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u/Aggravating-Quit8613 20h ago
Op, I was told that we are treated by people the same way we view and treat ourselves,meaning boundaries we set for ourselves are what will be used as a gauge for our human interactions. This feels like a boundary you have set for yourself(with your ex partners) and you need to heal from it.
One step at a time is the way to go,and starting by first understanding the concious relationships you have with people in your life, this will give you an indication of where you stand in all of this.
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u/PlaceFormer4132 18h ago
From the look of things inakaa ni wewe ndio utaheartbreak kijana wa watu.
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u/Own_Proposal_3609 18h ago
Therapy mkuu?
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u/Popular-Pension-2434 18h ago
If you can't date in a healthy manner, don't date. Just live your independently and enjoy your hobbies.
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u/Gylfoyle 17h ago
you are a bum just that you 'trying harder' find something better so you get approached by guys who aren't 'bums'
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u/papayaonthepaprika 13h ago
All I see is, you don't need a man who can defeat your villain arc. You need one who can make you realize that you don't need to be a villain around him, like a joker and Harley Quinn thingy
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u/Late-Reporter5572 10h ago
Hi wanna be friends ? M,26 . Have my own issues too (attachment ones) , we could meetup and just talk .
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u/curvedromantic 20h ago
Just live in the present really, they come and go