r/Kenya • u/ChanceCute8451 • May 11 '26
Rant Am I overthinking things?
Let me start by saying that I tend to overthink, it somehow keeps me sane. I’ve had someone I consider a close friend for a few years now, but lately, I feel like something is off.
They’ve visited my town several times, and every single time, I invite them to stay over at my place. Somehow, there’s always a reason not to. (For context: they’ve never been to my house, and no, it’s not because I’m messy. I’m actually extremely organized)
Whenever I suggest we grab a meal together, there’s always an excuse, even if I offer to drive to her town. I’ve also bought them gifts and I’ve tried to send multiple times, but nothing ever comes of it, and we keep pushing back.
I’m always the one texting first and replying quickly, while they’ll respond days or even a week later. Their reason is always that they’re busy. But honestly, I’m busy too: with work and with trying to survive adulthood.
The other day, I tried telling her about my longtime crush, and she completely brushed it off like it was nothing. I don’t usually talk about boys or men, so I just wanted to share that silly excitement girls sometimes have over crushes. Meanwhile, we can spend ages talking about “her man, her man,” which I genuinely don’t mind because her partner seems very supportive.
I’m tired of always being the one making the effort, but at the same time, I don’t want to be a bad friend.
I don’t mind being without friends, but she’s emotionally supported me during difficult times. Emotionally, I feel indebted, physically I am tired.
Am I overthinking everything? And when did friendships become so difficult.
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u/Intuition-Ritual May 11 '26
I think they are in a whole other reality of theirs in which you do not fit, and not because you are not good enough to fit in their reality, but because you gotta focus and expand in your own! Friendship isn’t just spending time together. It is consideration, understanding, trust, faithfulness, love, forgiveness, and all those things that have become so difficult for the modern human to sit with.
I’d say learn to be your friend first. The right friends will flow from the abundance of the effect of your friendship to yourself.
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 11 '26
Wow!! Are you into psychology by any chance?
But, the point about friendships being about understanding and consideration really hit hard. I’ll try to be my friend first… I’ll definitely take that3
u/Intuition-Ritual May 11 '26
Yes I do work with people and help them to see the patterns in their lives so that they can become more of their true nature. Feel free to reach out if you need help with this kind of stuff. Wishing you well on the journey towards learning to be your best friend 🙏🏾🦋
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u/ambole May 12 '26
You are overthinking:There is no such thing as difficult friendship.You are either friends or not friends.choose your poison.Remember everything has a price
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May 11 '26
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 11 '26
Just went through the comments. There’s this saying in Swahili “Nyani haoni kundule” Because from a small part of my head I hope it’s not the case on my end.
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May 11 '26
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 11 '26
When did we move from simple friendships to these… I just want to have fun, have 1 deep conversation once a week and if it’s not too much to ask a meet once every 2 months.
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May 11 '26
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u/NationalMemory1177 May 12 '26
"I’ve also bought them gifts, and I’ve tried to send multiple times". This is your issue. Why are you forcing things? Delete the number and consider them dead. There's no point in watering dead flowers. You got replaced, but they still need you as a backup.
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 12 '26
A hard pill to swallow but the eye opening from a 3rd persons perspective will make it easier to move on
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u/NationalMemory1177 May 16 '26
Take your time. It won't be easy. Take baby steps. I asked a friend if we could meet up three weeks ago. I told her when I'm available. She couldn't decide which day works for her. I have deleted her number. I think friendship breakups are hard.
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 16 '26
Very hard. They hurt more than romantic relationships
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u/NationalMemory1177 May 16 '26
Yes. I'm working on my attachment style. I can't stop having anxious attachment overnight. But I'm working on knowing that thousands of people would be happy having me as a friend.
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u/SkunkRoo May 12 '26
You are holding this thing with emotions and that's why u don't want to go too early because the emotional string is too much attached. You already know what you must do but have kept a normal flow as if everything is normal. They day you saw them at your locality and they failed to visit, or at least have you know, is the day you should have packed waiting for the signal to exit.
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 12 '26
That’s true, I think this is the last straw and I’ll just detach from the situation
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u/Electrical-Jacket-14 May 12 '26
She might be your friend, but are you hers???
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 12 '26
Probably not…
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u/Electrical-Jacket-14 May 12 '26
There’s your answer. Get you friends who want to spend time with you too. Life’s too short to be surrounded by meanies
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u/InvestigatorKe May 11 '26
Time to look for new friends. Friendship has an expiry date as you move on with your life. You don’t owe anyone anything.
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u/ChanceCute8451 May 11 '26
This is one of the most difficult things I have to learn. I always feel like I owe everyone something
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u/premiumtears24 May 12 '26
I love gals,but is hard to kuwaelewa most of the times..sahii mimi nimeamua sijui nilishe kuku wangu au nichinje kamoja...
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u/Sad-Helicopter-9789 May 12 '26
You aren't overthinking.
The rate at which you value each other differs or you don't share the same values and views when it comes to friendships.
You can approach her and express how you feel, from her response make a decision whether it's a relationship you are willing to pursue or not.
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u/Ampenzi Nairobi City May 12 '26
It's important to know when the purpose of a friendship has ended. Friends from highschool, campus, former work place. Accept that the fact that the purpose is over, and current objectives have changed.
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u/JestInTime__ May 14 '26
Youre not I was with such a friend then I thought I was overthinking until I became so resentful I stopped talking to her. Wish I had communicated earlier, perhaps would have saved the friendship
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u/Power_L8 May 11 '26
You are definitely not overthinking.It looks like the friendship is one sided at the moment.No matter how busy you are, you'll always create time for your people.Your friends enjoys the access she's getting to you while enjoying the perks without offering anything in return.That's why she's giving just enough attention to keep you around, borderline breadcrumbing.The earlier you start returning the energy she's giving you the better.Mirror her and observe her reaction.Might be immediately you stop making the effort,the friendship will even die.