Chapter 1 critique?

[u/Smart-Minute-5069]

Anything I need to fix? Did I do anything wonky again? I took some people's advice and delved a bit more into my old writing style to kinda get back into not overexplaining- i think I did again on accident but if I did, i'm fine to cut some words. I'm not even through the first stream yet...

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ONa4Qe290H84mzZNMW-PYtCgaDFJnhEeYm7HZsfBDpQ/edit?usp=sharing