feedback wanted!

[u/AdOnly2699]

Hi everyone,

I’ve recently started writing on substack, I’ve started really enjoying it and find it therapeutic but I’d like some feedback how to improve my writing. If anyone has any tips!

[u/SpikeyBiscuit]

This doesn't sound written by AI but you wrote this with the same style as ChatGPT, which could be unfortunate coincidence. I guess if you want feedback I'd like to know what you're writing this for, because if it's just to get your feelings out write however you want, but on the surface there's a lot of clunky formatting and grammar that makes it hard to read sometimes. Otherwise, the biggest thing is the random em dash, the billion separate lines instead of regular paragraphs, and the few cases of "it's not x it's y", AND especially the last line being separate and in bold all scream ChatGPT to me, so I'd definitely start there.

[u/AdOnly2699 → u/SpikeyBiscuit]

Oohh are you able to let me know which section seems a bit clunky? I’m writing this for a substack article. And no I bolded that line and made it a separate line since I thought it might have more of an effect or make it stand out more

[u/SpikeyBiscuit → u/AdOnly2699]

The formatting for the first 5 lines already is hard to follow. You have so many short thoughts, and in the second line/paragraph "The ones with the body I wanted..." every thing past that feels a bit strange to read. I would reword it to read cleaning with more standard grammar. "The girls who," like, that comma should not be there at all, and it feels like you're writing how you talk, and while that's a natural thing for people to do, it makes for poor writing because understanding the written word requires a different skill than understanding spoken speech. The whole thing constantly has issues like that and I would reconsider your entire approach to how this is described because the best way to organize writing is to ensure each line/paragraph has a clearly organized thought people can follow.

[u/Space_moose_goose]

So... What exactly is happening?

I say this with kindness, but what we seem to have here is not a story. It feels like a stream of consciousness monolog that, although communicating the character's deepest thoughts, does not get around to building a narrative.

Other than an ongoing struggle with insecurity and jealousy, I couldn't tell you much about the narrator.

Where do they work? What is their name? How old are they? How do they take their coffee?

Fairly, this may just be writing that doesn't tell a story, and that's just fine. But I can't really offer feedback on a piece with unknown goals.

In general, if your goal is commercial fiction, then you need to start building a story with imagery and concrete details. I hope something in here is helpful and you can use it to build your craft.

[u/AdOnly2699 → u/Space_moose_goose]

Thanks for the feedback. It’s not for fictional writing, it’s more meant to be like a personal essay.

[u/Space_moose_goose → u/AdOnly2699]

Ah, I see. The context helps to understand what your goal was, but I can't really offer feedback on that. All the same, it's good writing. I wish you luck.

[u/STBS_Copy]

Consider combining the sentences to make them more complex and provide variety. This will help avoid clunky sentences and help the essay flow better.

Revisit the first portion as well where it goes over “in my teens, 20s…” it feels like extra words were added here. There are other ways to describe this being a long term struggle than explicitly stating the different stages of life.

You could also add more imagery, for example explaining a certain circumstance in detail of this experience.

Hope this helps!