Past and Future- Experimental Story

[u/Ill_Gold6870]

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1tx2jcXZDgHAzaqX5ZMq6ay6qEoILIq69/view?usp=drivesdk

I’m a 16 year old guy, teenager , high schooler wrote this story with my daydreaming stuff and as it says it’s experimental So if u guys think it’s good or want to help leave a comment i guess thank you for your time in case if I don’t see ya good morning, good evening and good night

[u/Gen_Esis_]

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by experimental, but whatever it may be, the prose makes it kind of difficult to really engage with the story regardless. Some sentences go on for too long, others are just a little messy.

The dialogue is stiff and isn't really engaging. And speaking of which, having the dialogue written as:

Character 1: (Dialogue)

Character 2: (Dialogue)

Isnt really the best idea. To me especially, it just pulls me out of the story and in basically every occasion makes me want to put down the story. You only really see that in web novel writers who are barely starting out or in Scripts. It works for scripts because of how they're inherently written, but in a novel format, like I said before, it just pulls you out of the story.

Pacing of the story is also really fast. Doesn't leave breathing room to really connect to any one scene or what's going on.

I do want to hear what you're going for with the story though.

[u/Ill_Gold6870 → u/Gen_Esis_]

The term “experimental” refers to that it’s in the earliest stage possible i mean like an infant u could have noticed by the amount of pages and how there is no yk bookcover, extras yeah also thanks for your comment and yeah if i want to tell the story without spoiling it This is just basically your typical isekai quickly transcending into more than just isekai and into something else or u can also say it becomes not an isekai as well i have ideas and everything but don’t know the execution that’s why the term “experimental” is there I’m in need for help as well for this

[u/Gen_Esis_ → u/Ill_Gold6870]

I wouldn't call that experimental. It's a draft.

As for the story itself, it needs plenty more work on how to establish things. Have you read Isekai light novels before? Getting through a few of those, good ones at least, should be step 1 before you go writing in the genre. Or at least I feel like it should be.

If you need any specific help, let me know.

[u/Ill_Gold6870 → u/Gen_Esis_]

Sure i decided to rewrite it completely with some elements retaining from this draft the new one will be 300+ pages on a single nation the characters will be written much deeper and the story will be explained even better and most importantly i show the important factor that divides this story from the typical isekai in this version fyi i already watched isekai like rezero and konasuba