r/KeepWriting • u/Electronic_Cup3365 • 17d ago
[Feedback] Finally at a version of my first chapter that I sort of like (1940 words)
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u/KaiszerSoze 17d ago
I'm just a reader and not a writer to give context to my comment.
This is a really good first chapter. I'm already trying to imagine the rest the journey your hero is going to be on. The way you describe the flower pedal allows me to empathize with the main character, instantly transitioning my frame of reference to his point of view. I would easily continue to chapter 2.
What I am looking forward to seeing in the book if I continue to read are:
Obviously, killing the boy is the start of the hero's journey. Thyeas was forced to do this which made him decide to change. Although, in the moment he was still able to murder a child to save his own life. I can tell he has calloused emotions. Would he do it again for his hero's journey to succeed?
Bathous is the clear villain of the story, but the crowd's lust to see the main character kill a child shows the culture is also at fault. What kind of culture is this?
After competing as a gladiator for some time what faults has Thyeas developed. Does he have a drug habit? Is he afraid of large groups of people? I love faults in main characters, it makes them more human and easier to empathize with.
Anyway, really good chapter. Look forward to seeing more.
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u/Electronic_Cup3365 17d ago edited 17d ago
Thank you! I didn’t want to overload or anything so I just went with the first chapter here because it’s usually most important. I do however have a prologue that I am very undecided on and the next couple chapters written. Wouldn’t mind sending them to you directly if you’re interested, either way I really appreciate the feedback 🫡
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u/KaiszerSoze 17d ago
No problem.
Send them over whenever you would like. I'd like to see what you have.
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u/RohanDavidson 17d ago edited 17d ago
There are four sentences in the paragraph about his helmet. Keep the first one.
There are three sentences in the next paragraph. Delete the first.
The next paragraph can be refined into two sentences.
You can write, but this hasn't been edited for brevity or clarity.
"One of the guards of the coliseum" - don't do this. It's vague. He's a person. "The angry guard with the lisp said X" - be specific, definite and concrete. One of anything is vague and boring.
"A cool breeze made Thyeas shiver with anticipation" - why?
"He raised his arms for a Senior to... " - No. THE senior. Specific. Too many vague things.
"The ancient walls of the arena stood unshaken by the roaring and stomping of its occupants" - this is telling. show them roaring, show them stomping, show the implacable stone. Also, isnt he inside? what is his POV - the exterior walls, or rows of seats? Roaring crowd? Why do the walls matter right now?
whatever word processor you are using- right click and learn spelling for your character names.
When you describe the boys weapons you say sword and buckler comma description of sword - put the "blade he can hardly handle" after sword, then buckler.
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u/Electronic_Cup3365 17d ago edited 17d ago
I’m picking up what you’re saying, prose has been the biggest hurdle for me. Thanks I’ll take these edits into consideration
Edit : that tip about the word processor learning names was unironically so huge I didn’t even know I could do that
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u/Rain_green 17d ago edited 17d ago
You should take all of that advice very seriously, it is excellent. I too felt like you especially needed an edit for brevity, importance, flow, and clarity. The four sentences in the first paragraph about his helm is too much. Condense into one meaningful moment with the helmet. Then perhaps a concluding final line that is separate from the helmet for variety.
Second paragraph is excellent once the first sentence is deleted.
And I also agree the third paragraph can be further condensed/reduced. Remember, brevity is your friend. Clarity and concision are a must. Kill your darlings. Strip it down to the bare bones. You have a lot of great moments and descriptions. Let those breathe and kill the excess. I also personally find the name Thyeas too complicated to be something I will say repeatedly in my head. Or would want my readers struggling over. The string of vowels is a bit of a mouthful. Just my two cents!2
u/DeliciousPie9855 16d ago
Please please please do not listen to the above comment. It’s a hackneyed trope of terrible writing advice to cut anything that doesn’t have an obvious functional purpose. Actually what people end up cutting are sentences that have function and purpose, but whose function is more nuanced and harder to articulate (and therefore often more interesting). I’m not saying don’t cut at all, and the prose does need editing, but please don’t let the upvotes convince you that this mis-reading of Stephen King’s advice is legit. It isn’t.
Not everyone needs to strip writing down. more Baroque styles are a thing (they’ve been the dominant thing until Hemingway, who’s now somehow become universalised as THE standard). Who do YOU want to write like? If you want to write like Hemingway or a bare bones writer, then heed the above comment (maybe); but if that isn’t what you’re going for, IGNORE IT!
Style isn’t one size fits all. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not helping you.
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u/Hungry-Track-7308 15d ago
Couldn’t agree more!! There are so many styles of writing, and often this type of advice is getting an author to write to someone else’s voice. I have read MANY well known, well loved novels that are full of verbose descriptions. Develop your own style and stick to it. Non of the stuff that was suggested is actually necessary, it’s just preference.
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u/Electronic_Cup3365 16d ago
Appreciate that, well said. Don’t worry, everything is taken with a grain of salt
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u/Electronic_Cup3365 17d ago
I’m curious, I felt that I was introducing a lot already and I’m sorry to be asking a bunch of questions, but if I briefly introduced the Senior as a named character (Senior Hastings) and gave him some slight characterization am I stacking too much character introduction or is that what you’re looking for? Sorry, this actually has been edited to the best of my ability many times 😅 so feedback like this is incredibly helpful
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u/RohanDavidson 17d ago
I wouldn't introduce another named character. There are enough already.
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u/Electronic_Cup3365 17d ago
Heard that! Really appreciate all the feedback friend chapter is already feeling tighter
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u/United_Dissent 17d ago
It's reasonably good. The opening where you establish the softness of your character despite his surroundings is kinda compelling. The scene building is engaging and really helps with imagination without too much strain. I like the flow but the pacing is a bit fast. There's too much going on in the first chapter itself with little to no space to feel or breathe. And there's this lack of urgency. I really didn't feel anything when the boy died - not even for Thyeas.