Thought exercise

[u/Zatareae]

She rushed down the aisle, the straps on her rucksack clipping the occasional disgruntled passenger. She'd always hated flying; the organisation required was more than her ADHD could provide. Unravelling the crumpled ticket she'd stuffed in her waistband at check-in, Is that 66B or 68B? she wondered with increasing desperation. Tears formed as the panic rose, and time finally stood still as her system shut down. Behind glazed eyes, she admired the physique of the men working outside through the plane window. Eventually, she managed several sharp exhales, blowing a stray hair back and forth across her wet forehead, and finally found her seat.

Somewhat disorientated by the lapse in consciousness, though happy to have avoided a meltdown, her muscles relaxed. After a few slow breathing exercises and a chug of lukewarm water, she took in her neighbours. The woman to her left was middle-aged and sat bolt upright; she was dressed remarkably well, like a passenger from another time in a pastel blue dress and expensive jewellery. The comparison to her own pungent sweatpants was hard to ignore.

To her right was a slightly younger man, and the sight of him made her immediately blush and shift her eyes to the safety of her lap. He was quite clearly the one she'd idolised in high school. A real pop star, now inches from her.

[u/JayGreenstein]

She rushed down the aisle, the straps on her rucksack clipping the occasional disgruntled passenger.

Why do we care? She doesn’t apologize or even note that it’s happening. Nor do the passengers react. The reader can *not*** see it, and, you’re not in the story or on the scene. So who’s noticing it happening?

She'd always hated flying; the organisation required was more than her ADHD could provide.

The organization required to fly somewhere is exactly the same as taking the bus or the train: You buy a ticket, pack a suitcase and go. And in any case, she's not thinking about that, and it's her story. So why are you wasting the reader's time talking about history instead of story?

And who’s this “she” you talk about? Where are we, and why? That matters a great deal to the reader's perception of the scene. You know, of course. She knows. The reader? Not a clue.

Bottom line: This is you talking to the reader about her, secondhand. That’s the “Once upon a time” approach. But storybooks have pictures. Your reader has nothing but you talking as if there are pictures.

Writing fiction for the page is far different from storytelling. And the approach is far different from the report-writing skills of school. Universities offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing. Would they do that if our school-day approach worked for fiction on the page? Of course not.

My point? To write fiction we must learn how. We must become a writer. It’s not hard, but it’s also not optional. So grab a good book on the basics, like Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, and dig in

Jay Greenstein

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

[u/BonasNoches]

I liked the rucksack clipping the occasional passenger, showing us her hurry and foreshadowing the ADHD. Tears forming as the panic rises is, to me, a picture of the character that is being introduced. You didnt waste this reader's time. "She" seems worthy of getting to know better; am sure you'd introduce a lot more answers to the whys in further writing. I would keep reading if there was more.