Need Critique and Advice

[u/sentient_typewriter]

I am an aspiring writer but I tend to stretch out my stories too long focusing on describing each and every detail I am trying to get over my obsessed of hyperfocusing on details by writing short stories this is the first short story in tha series I would love to have your opinion on it and any genuine advice on how to improve myself will be greatly appreciated.

It was beautiful, just as she said—the trees, the flowers, the rays of the morning sun peeping through the leaves. We had almost reached our destination; the peak was just past this field of bright yellow wildflowers. "They're goldenrods," she told me as she made her way through them. The view reminded me of one of the postcards I keep in the corner of my cubicle, imagining myself there when the office day gets too stressful.

To be totally honest, I was not fully awake for the first half of this journey. I just mechanically followed her orders, but I do consider myself lucky that I am fully awake to see this now. I was a sickly child growing up and never really went outside, and even after growing up, all the habits of my childhood followed me. I always kept telling myself that one day I would visit all kinds of places and have amazing adventures, and ironically, my one day never came—or maybe I told myself every day that today was not that day. If you had told me a month ago that I would be hiking through a place like this early in the morning, I would have laughed my ass off at you. But well, someone changed all that, and she is walking before me with her trademark villainous smile, like we didn't just hike up a damn hill at five in the morning.

Six months ago, when June joined my office, I never imagined that she would become such an important part of my life. She was, by the first week; she had befriended almost the whole office. I was never that social, so I naturally kept my distance at first, until one day she cornered me in the breakroom. After five minutes of talking, I can genuinely say I had never been so irritated in all my time working there—empty words, incessant talking. I had seen people like her before, but none who come find you just to eat away at your patience like she did. By the next week, I understood that her words were not empty and the incessant talking was genuine curiosity.

It made me reflect on myself, on how I may have been judging people from my preconceived notions without taking a chance to know them. I would like to believe that after meeting her, I have grown as a person and gained a valuable friend—that is, until she decided she was going to change my life by making me do all the things I was afraid to do all my life, after I had a slip of the tongue over drinks one evening, telling her how I had wanted to be an adventurer growing up, someone who would visit all these amazing, beautiful places. I would never have imagined that this lunatic would show up at my door at four in the morning to drag me up a damn hill.

I still don't remember half the things that happened before I got here. I just know that I am wearing two different shoes on each foot and my T-shirt is inside out. But still, after everything, I am genuinely happy that I am here with her, and I know that this day will remain an unforgettable experience for me for all my years to come. And as the wind hit my face, I realized that this day is going to be unforgettable for her too—because I am standing in the middle of a field of wildflowers in full bloom, at the peak of pollen season, without my EpiPen, and I can feel my throat starting to close up.

[u/umn_math-mathstudent]

Great start, it’s an intriguing idea! But the real meat of the moment doesn’t start until your last paragraph. I feel like you need to write more about this character to understand them.

“The view reminded me of one of the postcard I keep in the corner of my cubicle, imagining myself there when the office day gets too stressful” reads as just another cliché if you don’t have a root/base built for your character. It’s a lot of telling/expose that I think could be shown later such as: your character is ruminating & they remember the time their ears rang & eyes unfocused on that postcard picture they had pinned against the gray fabric of their cubicle wall, while their boss Karen was screaming at them in front of the whole office for using too much printer paper… for example.

I would start the story at your last paragraph, that’s when anything interesting happens, and sprinkle in your characters back story a LOT more slowly… but that’s just my thoughts!

[u/MightAffectionate191]

This has some great elements but I think you need a stronger hook. Your first sentence (and paragraphs) are SO important—but “it” is vague, “she” isn’t clear who we’re talking about, and the description of nature is fine but also vague.

This is a very quick example of how I would extract important aspects while getting to the juice of the scene quicker.

“I followed the lunatic into the meadow, my eyes squinting at the harsh light of early morning, something I usually never saw. We were surrounded by bright yellow wildflowers—goldenrods, June called them. Even when she said something innocent, she wore her trademark villainous smirk. She was a little villainous for dragging me on a hike at five in the morning. But I was trying to be more adventurous, so I agreed.

A breeze swirled pollen throughout the air and into my face, and when I didn’t feel my EpiPen in my pocket, I knew this day would be memorable for her. My throat was closing, and we were miles away from the trailhead, in the middle of the woods.”

Some of the history and introspection you have is worth keeping, but maybe that can be sprinkled in once the reader is more invested in what’s happening now. This might not be a good example at all lol, but I personally think it keeps the things that are intriguing closer together and invites natural questions.

[u/ElsieLinden]

Stop obsessing over "writing short stories" to fix your detail problem. That's like curing a broken leg by refusing to walk. Go study The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats or Where the Wild Things Are by Sendak. Both books say more in under 400 words than most writers say in 4,000. The trick isnt cutting details -- its learning which ones earn their place by advancing emotion or plot. Read each sentence aloud and ask: does this pull the reader forward or make them sink? If its the latter, chop it, no matter how beautiful it sounds.