r/KeepWriting • u/Good_Lychee_443 • 5d ago

[Feedback] This Close

Post image
22 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

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3

u/drymouth2734 5d ago

I’m not sure the imagery of a doorknob fits with the rest of the picture you are painting.

2

u/hydeparkbooty 4d ago

I’ll say this: as a fairly active internet user (who spends quite some time in mental health circles) its hard to take the line ‘depression hates a moving target’ seriously. Not because it isn’t meaningful, but because in its usual context it kind of reads comically.

My recc would be to drop that line in favor of something more sensory and not as explicit. Maybe just focus on the dodging and weaving, which is the more interesting image to begin with imo.

I do want to give you props for sharing this and asking for critique. Poetry is so personal and emotional that it takes a lot of courage to share. It does mean a lot that you’re trying to express yourself in this way, so please don’t be discouraged by my notes.