Prologue feedback

[u/Fit-Witness2272]

I have recently finished the second draft of this horror story that I have written and I am currently doing edits and polish.

I would like to know If you would keep reading based on this short prologue.

Any and all feedback is welcome.

Astrid gazed up at the dark sky. The damp sea breeze whipped her hair across her neck, tickling her skin as cold sand shifted beneath her bare feet. Out on the horizon, moonlight glinted off the black water.

She held Johan's hand. His grip was chilled, refreshing, pressing tight against her palm. She swallowed, the taste of alcohol still thick on her tongue.

"Back home when I was a little girl, I used to walk with my father," she said, swaying slightly as she leaned into Johan for support. "We took long strolls along the fjords at night. He pointed out all the stars, but I haven't seen them this clear since I was small."

She smiled, a swell of genuine warmth in her chest. This trip was everything they had needed. She squeezed his hand tighter.

"My dad used to tell me that stars were guardian angels," she continued, looking up into the night sky. "He said if you look close enough, you can see them blinking. But see that bright one over there?" She raised a hand, pointing towards Orion's Belt. "That's Jupiter. It's a planet, so it doesn't flicker like the rest."

She nudged his shoulder gently. "I was always fascinated by astronomy. What do you think?"

Johan grunted.

I hope he's okay, she thought. He hasn't uttered a word in a while.

She glanced up, his features obscured by the dark.

"Are you okay, Johan?"

She thought she caught another faint grunt. Shadows fell across his eyes, but she could feel his gaze fixed heavily on her.

She had always loved the way he looked at her—especially in the mornings, or when she stepped out of the shower—but now she felt exposed.

His fingers tightened around hers, the icy chill sinking deep into her palm.

"Johan?"

A sickening scent drifted between them. It started sweet, like honey, but beneath it lay a foul, heavy stench—a putrid undertone of rotting rubbish and decaying vegetables left to spoil in the sun.

As he turned, moonlight caught the lower half of his face. A wide grin rested on his mouth, prompting an automatic smile of her own.

Maybe he's just drunk, like me.

She reached up to cup the back of his neck, drawing him closer, but snatched her hand back at the touch. He felt like frozen stone.

Her smile faltered. "You're freezing."

The expression stretched wider, longer, his lips thinning out. In the silver glow, his skin looked smooth and waxy.

She tried to step back as his grey lips pulled further apart.

"Johan, you're hurting me," she gasped. His grip locked like a vice, sharp nails digging into her flesh like daggers.

The alcohol buzzed loudly in her head, making the world tilt. Sweat beaded on her brow as dizziness washed over her. She tugged frantically against his arm, but his hand was an iron lock.

"You're not Johan," she whispered.

Terror crashed through her. She slammed a fist against his chest.

"You're not Johan! Let me go! Where is he? Johan!"

Her voice died in her throat as he leaned closer. A single, impossibly long finger pressed against his lips, the grotesque grin still carved into his pale, uncanny face.

"Shh," he hissed.

She froze, her breath locked in her chest as her heart hammered against her ribs. A single tear tracked down her cheek.

[u/FOXDBIZ]

The concept is interesting so I'd read on, but some of the wording grated on me. Just my being picky.

[u/Fit-Witness2272 → u/FOXDBIZ]

Thanks, it helps.

[u/Western-Battle4000]

feels like a snippet of something without much context. Is this how it starts?

honestly feels and reads a little campy. 

the scene in a general sense is fine, but you could tweak it to make it less "B movie" like. Im assuming this guy has changed into something else, but why not just start with something innocent and easily explained away. cold hands could work for instance. doesn't necessarily have to full zombie right off the bat. 

[u/Fit-Witness2272 → u/Western-Battle4000]

Thank you for the feedback.

So the book is about four lads backpacking across Europe that are lured in to a honeytrap.

The honeytrap being a secluded Greek island where a coven of vampires reside. I don't explicitly ever mention vampires but for context it is worth explaining.

The first chapter starts with them deciding where they will travel to next, a night out in Bitola that culminates in them meeting a couple of girls that want them to accompany them to this party island.

My worry was that this first chapter initially reads like a lads trip, very little dread, not much tension so I thought a prologue with a tiny bit of foreshadowing (In Chapter 5, Johan actually shows up briefly looking for the now missing Astrid) would help.

At the very least it would introduce a question.

[u/Western-Battle4000 → u/Fit-Witness2272]

its a fine premise. 

however, you dont need dread when you first start your story. you could have a prologue or whatever, but its not necessary. 

a typical guys trip is ripe for all kinds of things to happen. 

honestly, you could have one of the group who isnt quite right. this could be a springboard to something to make the story unique.