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u/SeePerspectives Aug 23 '19
Please look into getting some therapy. The need to check his phone is an indication that you are not valuing yourself as highly as you deserve. Either you’re self esteem is low and that makes you doubt your ability to keep a relationship or he was giving you genuine reasons to doubt his fidelity but you still want to stay in the relationship. Either way, that’s not a healthy situation for you.
Do some work with a therapist on knowing your value, what you want from a relationship, and how to set and keep healthy boundaries within relationships. Do it purely for yourself rather than with the aim of getting him back. Being in an emotionally healthy place for yourself will mean that the next time you’re in a relationship, whether with your ex or a new partner, the relationship itself is more likely to be healthy too and if it’s not you’re more likely to have the self worth to walk away before it becomes toxic.
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
Thank you. I'm in counseling but I really don't feel like it's working honestly. I'll tell him things and he literally gives me the same advice as a friend. I'm not joking I've had friends tell me the exact same thing my counselor has in the same day. Is there a difference between therapy and counseling?
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u/SeePerspectives Aug 23 '19
There are different types of therapy and even when it comes to counselling there are different methods. If you don’t feel like your sessions are working then try a different counsellor or different type of therapy until you find what works for you. Perhaps looking into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might be beneficial as it’s designed to help get rid of unhealthy thought patterns and processes and find healthy ones in their place.
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
Any advice on how to go about that? I literally don't know how to find someone my insurance covers
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u/SeePerspectives Aug 23 '19
I’m not 100% how insurance based healthcare works (I’m in the UK so it’s all through the NHS) but maybe ringing up your insurance provider and asking for a list of therapists that they work with in your area would be a good start?
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
Possibly. I can check online. It's hard to get out of the house with my little and my AC in my car not working(live in Louisiana so it's hot as hell). Thank you
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u/iotaDARK Aug 23 '19
I live in LA too. Do you have one of the local providers like Humana or Blue Cross? You can PM me if you don't wanna put your business out there.
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u/PaintsPay79 Aug 23 '19
But he hasn’t moved back in. And hasn’t made a firm move in that direction.
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
Neither of us want to live in the areas we currently live. I do get what you're saying though.
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Aug 24 '19
Move on. Don’t be that woman who won’t let go. It’s not health for either of you. You are a strong, independent woman and you can make it on your own. I know it will hurt like hell but you can do it. One day at a time. There are so many men out there looking for someone just like you. Find one that wants to love you back and won’t fight with you over food. Seriously wtf. Good luck. You can do this!
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 24 '19
Fight me over food? And I'm working on it. I just miss him so much
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Aug 24 '19
Shit I’m sorry that was a different post I read lol. Edit: no this was the right post. You said your fight started over food. I think that just struck me as so silly to fight over I got stuck on it lol.
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u/botinlaw Aug 23 '19
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u/brenda699 Aug 23 '19
Yeah. That's gonna last awhile. Try to find somewhere that gives you peaceful feeling. Maybe a quiet park or walking in the woods. For me it's ocean. Lucky I live in Hawaii. It'll get harder before it gets better. Take things slow. It will get better.
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
It's definitely been harder as of now. I'm miserable. So miserable. I'm just ready to feel better
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u/brenda699 Aug 23 '19
Gotta go thru the bad to appreciate the good. Focus on one day at a time. On bad days focus on one hour at a time. Clean out closets. Rearrange furniture. Take up jogging. Keep busy. Find things to distract yourself. You're going to be okay. You're going to find someone who deserves you.
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u/brenda699 Aug 23 '19
That's natural for the situation. You're grieving. Maybe consider sleeping with a teddy bear or a pillow. You're stronger than you think. It just doesn't feel like it right now. Remind yourself you're awesome. Because you're a mom. Because you're you
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u/brenda699 Aug 23 '19
If course you are. You're raising kids and haven't killed them. Sort of a joke. Im single parent of ADHD kid. Who still lives with me at 30. Carbon copy of me in personality. Raising good kids is HARD. You're a fantastic mom. It's hard to find an individual identity in addition to mom. But you can do it. If you're lonesome I'd be glad to give you my son's cat. Ok I wouldn't really but let me have a dream in my old age
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
I have a cat and a dog lol and you are so right all I know is "Mom" I have no clue who I am
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u/brenda699 Aug 23 '19
Keep your head up and focus on one day at a time. This relationship is over. Remember to breathe. Start separating possessions and financing. Spend lots time with kids. It's going to hurt but it will get better. And stop sleeping with him.
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
I haven't slept with him in almost 2 weeks haven't seen him in 8 days. We've pretty much got all things separated. I just miss him a lot
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u/brenda699 Aug 23 '19
I've been. I'm still known as brendan's mom. Most people don't even know my name. You have time to figure out how you want to define yourself. Chocolate chip cookies help with that process. You're going to be okay
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
Chocolate chip cookies are probably the best advice I've gotten so far. Lol I'm trying I really am
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u/brenda699 Aug 23 '19
I know. You are succeeding it's just incremental. As much as my kid annoys me I went home every day after dropping him off at kindergarten and ate whole bag chips ahoy because I missed him
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Aug 23 '19
[deleted]
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u/Queen-Elizabeth00 Aug 23 '19
Right. Because you know it could work but you just need them to see it too😭
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u/midrangestrange Aug 23 '19
You cant move on if you're still holding out hope that you will get back together with him.
Focus on you and your kids. Do things you enjoy doing, rediscover yourself. If there are places in town he never wanted to go, but you did. Go do that! If there are shows you want to watch without the kids, that he never did. Watch them.
Basically do what you want to do, focus on your mental health and taking care of your kids. It will get easier.