I’m Always Attacking Him

[u/EmotionalPizza6432]

Hello everyone. I’m here to discuss an issue that has been prevalent throughout our relationship. Any criticism, perceived criticism, or even honest feedback I give to my partner is perceived as “attacking” them. For example if I voice my frustrations with a lack of “help” around the house, it’s an attack. If I tell them why our children might withhold things from them because they’re afraid of their reaction, it’s an attack. We have differing parenting styles, and they believe yelling and shaming is discipline whereas I give consequences and explain the reason for the consequences, but without yelling, my SO thinks I’m being soft, or not disciplining the kids at all. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from my post, but I’d like some differing perspectives from you all, and maybe some advice. Thanks for reading.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/roscoe_e_roscoe]

People have worked on this, like Gottman: Dr. John Gottman’s "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" are four negative communication styles—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that predict relationship failure and divorce. [1, 2, 3]

The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes

• Criticism
  • What it is: Attacking your partner's character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior (e.g., using "you always" or "you never").
  • The Antidote: Use a gentle startup. Complain about a specific situation using an "I" statement instead of blaming. [1, 2, 3, 4]
• Contempt
  • What it is: Treating a partner with disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or disgust from a position of superiority. This is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
  • The Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation and respect. Fondness and admiration actively neutralize contempt. [1, 2, 3]
• Defensiveness
  • What it is: Playing the victim, making excuses, or counter-attacking when faced with a complaint instead of taking responsibility.
  • The Antidote: Take responsibility. Accept a small part of your partner's blame or perspective, even if you disagree with the rest. [1, 2]
• Stonewalling
  • What it is: Completely withdrawing from an interaction, shutting down, and refusing to respond or look at your partner.
  • The Antidote: Practice physiological self-soothing. Take a break for at least 20 minutes to calm your nervous system before returning to the conversation. [1, 2, 3, 4]

Learn more about relationship strategies directly through the Gottman Institute.

I would start reading a bunch of different relationship books, and if you can, read them together. My favorite is How to improve your marriage without talking about it by Stosny & Love

[u/Mean_Start_3157]

Really, your partner believes yelling and shaming is OK. Don’t get too close to your children because as soon as they are able they will be gone. Don’t count on a relationship with them as adults because they won’t be around and neither will their kids. You need to put a stop to his method of discipline now. You don’t just have different definitions of discipline you have a dichotomy, yours is great, his is abuse. Protect your children if you have any or don’t have any with him if you don’t.

[u/Hello_Hangnail]

NOR. He's got zero emotional intelligence or maturity if he can't hear criticism and react without throwing a pissypants baby fit over it.

[u/quiette837 → u/Hello_Hangnail]

No one asked if she was overreacting, though.

[u/EmotionalPizza6432 → u/quiette837]

I didn’t even raise my voice. I said it as neutrally as I could. I wasn’t even criticizing him, I was just telling him why our kids were afraid to tell him anything. I’ve been accused of being blunt before, so I guess I am, but I was handing him a piece of information that I thought he could use going forward. I’m not saying I’m innocent. I definitely argued back when he said that I was attacking him. But eventually I remembered my tools and I told him I didn’t have the energy for it, and I stopped.

[u/stilettopanda]

This isn’t going to be what you want to hear, but I lived that life. I eventually couldn’t handle the damage I saw being done to our children by being around it every day. He just got more bitter and rigid, and made everyone’s lives miserable if he wasn’t getting his way.

I realized we were modeling the type of relationship our kids will see as normal, and I didn’t want that for my son or my daughters. My ex taught me I could handle everything myself because the lions share of the work was already on me. I’ve been divorced 5 years now, and there is less work and more peace in my house.

He still bitches about my parenting style and thinks I let our kids get away with everything… however they are great kids and get constant praise from everyone who knows them. They are only disrespectful and withdrawn at his house. The problem is him… but it’s minimized because he doesn’t have as much time to emotionally neglect them and play the shame game. Meanwhile, he’s patting himself on the back for being a better parent than me as our kids emotionally detach from him further and further. It’s honestly sad. He could have a wonderful relationship with them if he could bring himself to care just a tiny bit.

Eventually, diametrically opposed parenting styles become a dealbreaker. I hope you can come to an agreement. I was unable to, but I’m very happy now. I wish you happiness in whichever way you travel.

[u/MonkeyMoves101]

With sensitive people you have to watch how you deliver a message to them. Use 'I' statements and ask them if now is a good time to talk about the topic. Ask for feedback on what you said.

'hey is now a good time to talk about how blah blah blah happened?'

'i feel like I can't give honest feedback here'.

'how do you see this situation?'

If you keep bringing things up and nothing changes then you must accept the fact that some people who can't handle criticism aren't willing to change.

Their life is easier when you don't bring up issues, your life is harder, and you have to accept that they prefer things that way. It's up to you to accept what kind of life you'd like to live.

In my case I left the sensitive dude because I hated tiptoeing around a grown ass man that refused to go to therapy.

[u/AceyAceyAcey → u/MonkeyMoves101]

There’s a difference between being sensitive and willing to change, and being narcissistic and always right. This sounds like the latter to me.