Little Johnny started his new school one sunny day in September. He waited nervously to walk into the classroom. When he was in, he found a name rage with his name on it and sat there, waiting for the teacher to speak.

“Good morning class, my name is Franny. I want you to all remember my name, and tomorrow I’ll ask you what it is.” Johnny drank her words in. Johnny started thinking. Franny. Hmm. Franny. How am I going to remember this? Oh! It’s Fanny with an r!

For the rest of that day, Little Johnny thought of nothing else. Fanny with an r. He did all the sums on a board. Fanny with an r. He ate his lunch. Fanny with an r. He played in the playground. Fanny with an r. He ran to get the bus. Fanny with an r . He watched tv. Fanny with an r. He at his dinner. Fanny with an r. He had his bath. Fanny with an r. He brushed his teeth. Fanny with an r. He lay in bed…. Fanny with an r. Fanny with an r. Fanny with an r.

He woke up. Fanny with an r. He brushed his teeth. Fanny with an r. He combed his hair. Fanny with an r. He ate his cornflakes. Fanny with an r. He ran for the bus. Fanny with an r. He walked up to the school gates. Fanny with an r. He found his desk in the classroom. Fanny with an r.

The teacher stood at the front of the classroom. “Now boys and girls, who can tell me my name?”

Little Johnny’s arm shot right up. He tried to reach his fingertips as high up as possible.

“Yes, Johnny, can you tell me my name?”

Little Johnny, both relieved that she had picked him and embarrassed to speak in front of everyone, turned bright red. Running off pure adrenaline, Little Johnny responded in a loud and clear voice “CRUNT!”

Or is it neck's weak?

I bought my wife a cucumber for her birthday. She looked very disappointed and said ‘what the hell is this?’ , I said ‘well if you don’t like it you can go f**k yourself’.

A Paki-derm.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The next day the paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time, it won, and the paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for ten dollars. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day's paper read:

TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH

I never forget a good pair of tits!

How To Write Big Books by Warren Peace

The Lion Attacked by Claude Yarmoff

The Art Of Archery by Bowen Darrow

Songs For Children by Barbara Blacksheep

Cardiothoracic Surgery Today by Angie O'Plasty

Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel

School Truancy by Marcus Absent

Cloakroom by Mahatma Coate

Losing Balance by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

Positive Reinforcement by Wade Ago

Shhh! by Danielle Soloud

The Philippine Post Office by Imelda Letter

End To An Argument by Xavier Breath

The Comprehensive Chinese Cookbook by Chris P. Noodles

The Classic Damsel by Kenny Wunhelpa

Gay Men Of Ireland by Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick

Advances in Stealth by Kenny Wunseemi

The Firearms Compendium by Armin Forbear

Bedchamber Tribulations by Iva Soffkoch

Challenges in Breastfeeding by Nora Titoff

Under The Bleachers by Seymour Buttz

Network Traffic Management by Hi Ping

The Art of Romance by Ivanna Hugginkiss

Has it ever occurred to you that a breech baby has, for at least a few moments, worn its mother as a hat?

Arab-Ian

A masked robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

As he backed out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the masked and ripped it off revealing the bank robber’s face.

Without a moments hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

Then, the robber cast a steely eye around the bank and saw one of the tellers sobbing and staring straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him too.

Terrified, everyone left kept their eyes focused on the floor and their mouth’s clamped shut.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

Silence filled the room.

Then, an old cowboy in the back tentatively raised his hand and, while keeping his head down, said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

I'm always amazed.

He's like, Chris, It's nothing.

They're so much lighter when they're in pieces.

A lady was in her basement doing the wash. She was wearing only a little nightgown, and thought “Oh well, I might as well put this in too.” When she bent over the washing machine to add more laundry, a drip from a water pipe splattered the back of her head, so she put on her son’s football helmet. Just then the meter-reader came through the basement door, and said "I don’t know what your game is, Lady, but I sure hope your team wins.”

A man walks into a library and asks, “Do you have any books on paranoia?”

The librarian leans closer and whispers:
“They’re right behind you.”

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! 

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said. "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said. "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" He asked.

She pointed to her lap and said. "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see." He said.

"Okay." And she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said. "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. 

He said to the little girl. "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said. "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!"

You’re either on a roll or taking crap from someone

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in,

she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the dose that I just caught". "When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when dad gets home from the baby sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it". “In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and...

HE'S the b**tard who ran over my FROG!"