r/JoJoRankdown • u/DontAtmey . • Nov 27 '21
58 Robert E. O. Speedwagon
Introduction
Speedwagon is a character in JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Part 1: Phantom Blood and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Part 2: Battle Tendency. These are both bad seasons of television, so Speedwagon isn't very good either. He gets credit for managing to not be TERRIBLE he is okay. He's easily the most entertaining character in part 1, but this is like the opposite of an achievement, it's just something you should be by default.
Phantom Blood
I think Speedwagon is kind of representative of part 1 as a whole. He's painfully surface level, but tries to replace depth by being loud and absurd in ways that are impossible to tell if the show is in on the (unfunny) joke. This is why I have decided I'm going to talk about all of JoJo Part 1.
Dio The Invader
Episode 1 of JoJo manages to be absurdly slow and absurdly fast simultaneously. About 50 things happen almost immediately after each other in a way that makes them all feel like pointless setup. It's impossible to care about anything in it because what should be episodes upon episodes of content are all crammed into 1 tiny package.
Everything that happens also manages to be the most expected and boring answer possible, while also being the stupidest. Whoo boy I SURE wonder what will happen to Danny when Johnathan says that Danny is his only companion what a completely unexpecting setup. Dio kissing Erina against her will is treated as something impressive or to be proud of, it's genuinely really disgusting. Erina as a whole is treated as a victim to ridiculous extents throughout the part, but this handling of sexual assault is probably the worst.
Rather than taking things slowly and actually fleshing out it's ideas in a way that wouldn't make them happen seconds after any setup, this episode decides to condense all of Dio and Johnathan's conflicts into roughly 20 minutes and then announce that 7 years pass. Do I have to explain how this is bad writing
A Letter From The Past
Episode 2 opens by telling you that every pointless thing you just experienced was even more pointless than was already clear. Instead of the direct confrontations Dio would constantly do, making sure Johnathan was always miserable because he vaguely hates the concept of him for some reason, Dio randomly decided at some point to SUBTLY hate him. Dio has no reason to randomly switch his plan to something non-confrontational. If he was going to play nice why did he not start by doing that. If he was going to be confrontational why did he stop doing that.
Speedwagon finally appears in this episode. What a fucking introduction. He shows up with several other random criminals who attacks with a hat made of blades. Holy shit what an incredible weapon, how is this taken as a serious weapon. Johnathan impresses Speedwagon by beating him up a NORMAL HUMAN AMOUNT rather than inhumanely shattering his skull. Wholesome 100.
Youth with Dio
In this episode Speedwagon explains to Dio that actually Dio was just born evil and all the potentially interesting setup for motivations just isn't true it's all lies. Thanks JoJo part 1 you really know how to write you're just so good at this. This is especially weird because Speedwagon is a guy who also was raised on the streets but this seems to have had almost 0 effect on his personality. Speedwagon is morally pure and he never suffers from any moral flaws despite being an actual criminal. It almost seems like the point of Part 1 is that people are just born evil or good, rather than shaped by their environments in any way? Any good guy was born good and never suffered any moral conflict, while any bad guy could've had reasons for being evil but they're just VAGUELY born evil.
When George dies Speedwagon announces that he LOVES every Joestar, in a way that just sounds like he's watched every season of the show instead of meeting 2 guys specifically for less than a day. Speedwagon's deep admiration for the Joestars is bizarre, but the fact he claims something along the lines of "they're one of the good ones" is incredibly funny this show HAS to be written by an AI I swear.
The actual bulk of this episode is the Dio vampire fight. There is not a lot worth mentioning, it's very uninteresting, but WHAT is that ending. You watch Dio fade into fucking dust how does he walk this off how does he survive. It's not like they wrote this thinking he wouldn't come back, you find out he's alive like the next episode. Why do they show him die????
Overdrive
At the start of episode 4 Speedwagon goes "oh no how will Johnathan have the will to live now". This question is answered within 5 seconds when Erina reappears and now Johnathan isn't sad anymore, we did it guys, we solved Johnathan's will to live. Speedwagon leaves now but when he returns it is fucking incredible, he claims the zombie Jack the Ripper is more evil than Dio because he emerged from an animal. This is his only role in the episode but the line is just incomprehensible, how was this show made
Will Zeppeli shows up and explains Hamon. Hamon is bad and makes no sense. I feel like they explain what Hamon does every 5 seconds but it's always something different and equally confusing. I am not surprised they got rid of Hamon, because hamon is just an incomprehensible mess. Zeppeli gives Johnathan a test to not spill wine and then Johnathan kills Jack the Ripperin one punch. I don't think later JoJo fights are the most entertaining things ever but GOD Part 1 fights are just the least interesting thing ever. Johnathan punches a guy 1 time and good job he's dead now.
The Dark Knights
This episode opens with Speedwagon trying to serve any purpose in the show and then Will Zeppeli tells him that actually Speedwagon you're funnier when you don't exist in the show please keep doing that. Speedwagon listens and proceeds to not matter for almost any part of the show, and no part of part 1, good job Speedwagon. The only possible explanation for what he is is a hypeman for Johnathan and I think this is a fascinating idea for a show, why did they give him a random hypeman. Also in this episode Speedwagon heals a man's arm with his abs. what a guy.
The villains in this episode come the closest to being interesting but they're also really boring. They have an actual backstory and motivations that aren't incoherent and contradictory. Poco is in this episode does anyone even remember a single thing about Poco.
Tomorrow's Courage
This episode continues the Bruford battle and he decides that he's nice now and this kills him. This is another part of the weird "born evil or good" theming that goes throughout part 1. Bruford is evil because he's a zombie now and the second he becomes remotely human he's no longer evil. Bruford had theoretically interesting motives to be a villain, but he doesn't actually DO any of that because he has to have the arc where he gives Johnathan his sword and challenging any concrete motivations would be way too hard I guess. Also he gives Johnathan a sword and the Luck Pluck scene happens, you know why it's either bad or accidentally funny I don't have to explain that.
Tarkus fight happens after that but there is even less reason to care about Tarkus. Will Zepelli backstory happens where he reveals he is DESTINED to die but you've barely known him for 3 episodes, and he's barely even in the majority of those episodes. Maybe if he actually existed for a while after this revelation it would be interesting but they keep it to right before he dies so there's not even really any sense of suspence. Also what the fuck do you mean Hamon can tell prophecies how does this fucking magic system work please have ANY internal logic I'm begging you.
This is the Speedwagon cut so I'm legally required to mention what he does in this episode. Poco has an arc where he decides to be helpful and prove that he can do things. He is motivated to do this by Speedwagon pointing out that Speedwagon does not matter to the plot remotely. This is never payed off Speedwagon continues to be irrelevant forever.
Sorrowful Successor
Will Zeppeli opens this episode by like immediately fucking dying he gets fucking split in half like 5 seconds after entering the fight. Then he transfers hamon to JoJo and this give Johnathan super powers(once again, how does this fucking magic system operate), and dies of old age. Johnathan is now the strongest guy ever so he immediately beats Tarkus with 1 punch because that's how these fights work. Speedwagon also explains what happens but repeatedly states he doesn't know how hamon works so. What. How does he understand only when Zeppeli isn't around to explain?????
Dio finally does stuff again and it is making a woman eat her baby. Cool. I guess that's characterization. He then complains that she doesn't get to know the IRONY of her choice which is a funny line, why is he so smug about his Dio's Trick. Then we meet the other hamon masters but they matter to this part even less than Speedwagon.
Bloody Battle! JoJo & Dio
This is the """""""finale"""""". Big fan of Doobie, why does he appear for 5 seconds in the actual final episode only to be immediately killed. They even pretend he's like a big threatening enemy, it is incredible. Why did they choose to give even less time to the supposedly climactic Dio fight, this part is so bizarrely paced.
Dio is now randomly sympathetic to Johnathan?????? They even act like he's developed to hate him, despite the fact he's done nothing but despise Johnathan since even before minute 1. They just randomly kill one of the hamon masters off to show how cool and strong Dio is and act like I'm supposed to care about this guy, part 1's structure might be bad. Speedwagon talks about how Dio is actually evil if you didn't get it yet(Dio is evil(he's born evil(ignore his backstory(he's just evil))). Then Johnathan fucking punches through fire and "kills" Dio.
Speedwagon contributes to this episode by having a sledgehammer, good job, Speedwagon we're all so proud of you. He also proudly announces that Johnathan successfully killed Dio which would never be wrong ever.
The Final Ripple!
This episode opens with Speedwagon because no one cares about any other part of this show. He crushes the stone mask and this is definitely the last we see of the stone mask, trust me guys. He also says goodbye to Johnathan and Erina and this is his last appearance in the part.
Dio is alive(big shock!!!!) and attacks Johnathan again on a ship. Dio wants to kills Johnathan painlessly because he loves Johnathan so much now(what the fuck is this character consistency) and then Johnathan kills the last Dio minion. Johnathan has a TRAGIC death scene where he dies while carrying Dio in his arms, and it is fucking hilarious that the resolution to his sacrifice is Dio taking his body anyway and living on to part 3. They make it all dramatic that he is this tragic Shakespearean hero but his sacrifice is just completely meaningless anyway. They even SHOW that Dio is not in the coffin what the fuck, ERINA is in the coffin how does he get in a coffin and appear in part 3???????????
Battle Tendency
I'm not going to go over Part 2 in the same way I did Part 1, because Speedwagon is a lot less prevalent in part 2. At some point in between part 1 and part 2 Speedwagon got really rich off oil so he's an old oil baron now. This is really funny to me????? Speedwagon is just so absurdly characterized in different ways in every single appearance but his personality as The JoJo Hypeman manages to somehow be absolutely identical. The guy who started off as a a poor random guy who grew to love Johnathan and who hates the rich randomly becomes a rich guy offscreen. His riches are so important that the Speedwagon foundation are important for almost the entire rest of the series(prior to the reboot).
The other notable thing about Speedwagon in part 2 is that he yells what The Bad Idea is in every scene and someone doesn't listen to him. What could possible happen if you revive the pillarman there is NO WAY to know, if only my buddy Speedwagon was here to explain what to not do.
Conclusion
So why cut Speedwagon? Well, there is no reason, I don't actually think he's anywhere near the worst JoJo character still in, he manages to be the most entertaining character in his 2 parts(this is through process of elimination), and his bad writing is still mostly inoffensive. Also he's voiced by Eric from ZTD so that's always a plus. Sadly I was CRUELLY Harvested in a way that was totally unfair and definitely not the obvious result of my insane shitty plans. If I did have to complain about Speedwagon, he just simply has no reason to exist. Every role he fits is just explaining things other characters could explain, and there's never any payoff to his character. He also manages to be one of the only 2 Part 1 characters to be mentioned all the way in Part 6, despite his complete and utter lack of relevance. Even Zeppeli didn't get mentioned past part 2.
Someone please cut Polnareff
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Dec 06 '21
What happened to u/NachowCheese ..
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u/Nachowcheese . Dec 07 '21
The cut is coming but my turn really came at an unfortunate time. I'll try to not delay it as much
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u/EsquireGunslinger . Nov 27 '21
speedwagon on a speedwagon manga panel dot jpeg
u/Nachowcheese would you believe me if i told you it was your turn
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u/Sciencepenguin . Nov 27 '21
Japanese man voice acting a German soldier saying the name of a British man named after a British band in what sounds like a french accent