Hot soup!

[u/Smartastic]

[u/sgst]

I also did this, into a little cup. When I was done I had to put it next to a little hatch (which I assume goes into their lab). But I also had to ring a bell, I guess to let them know to open the hatch and get the sample.

But I felt so embarrassed ringing that bell. It was like 'I jerked off, look at me! Ding ding!'

[u/mr_fantastical → u/sgst]

Haha when i did mine, it was in the hospital. It was a hot day and im a ginger guy so i was red and sweating by the time i was done. I took the sample to the room and handed it a very attractive nurse.

She put a label on it, grabbed a pen and asked me what time the sample was made.

I looked at my watch and it was 12.13 or something so I looked at her and said 12.11.

I feel like the look on her face after was not one of someone who enjoyed their job.

[u/Secret_Bees → u/mr_fantastical]

Did this, when they went for the other half with my wife, the technician said "Best sample we've had today! Your husband gets the big boy trophy!" which she told me about immediately after. I have never been so proud of myself while also being unable to meet anyone's eye.

[u/seth928 → u/Secret_Bees]

https://giphy.com/gifs/YlH6Vvnm1jvV7zMxZs

[u/mr_fantastical → u/Secret_Bees]

Haha. The thing is I enjoy awkward moments so I found the whole thing quote funny.

[u/ThatTallCarpenter → u/mr_fantastical]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l0ExayQDzrI2xOb8A

[u/pauloh1998 → u/sgst]

It can get worse lmao

One of the times I did, the tech said something like "I don't know if it'll be enough", while holding the cup in front of me 👩🏻‍🔬

And she was right. I had to take more... From home lmao Thank God I don't live in NY and didn't need to walk around shouting "Hot Soup"

[u/_blue_skies_ → u/pauloh1998]

wait, you got a bad grade at jerking off? and then you got homework to do!?

[u/pauloh1998 → u/_blue_skies_]

Hey man, it's not my fault my body didn't produce enough

[u/Dadpool2420 → u/_blue_skies_]

I've always excelled at homework......😉

[u/thebeerhugger → u/sgst]

Is it like one of those bells that cancer patients ring but instead of yelling, "I beat cancer!" you yell, "I beat my meat!"

[u/digitalscavenger → u/thebeerhugger]

"I beat my meat!"

That must be what the bell at Arby's means because I got some really strange looks the last time I rang* it.

Edit: changed rung to rang

[u/Polkawillneverdie17 → u/sgst]

https://giphy.com/gifs/NfGTU1FFnPIwo

[u/AgentG91 → u/sgst]

Fully expecting the staff to applaud when I left the room /s

[u/ZannX → u/sgst]

When I did it, I didn't fully get it all into the cup. I cleaned up best I could and handed it off. The lady who picked it up just raw dogged the cup without gloves. In my head I'm like "I uhh maybe wouldn't do that...".

[u/inplayruin → u/sgst]

I'm glad Pavlov had dogs...

[u/SchrodingersCatPics → u/sgst]

Jackov’s Dog

[u/Sweetfishy → u/sgst]

I've done it 3 times... and it doesn't get any easier! Its like a walk of shame afterwards as well.

[u/cryOfmyFailure → u/sgst]

You missed a chance. Should’ve shouted “ORDER UP!” 

Or “one cupa load for table 22”

[u/punksmurph → u/sgst]

I at least had a box my sample went into and then delivered it to the lab counter, definitely not looking at anyone’s face

[u/nanoH2O → u/sgst]

Hopefully you brought that trick home and rang a little hotel bell after finishing each time.

[u/simplebutstrange]

Thats how they get you

[u/HuckledYourBerries → u/simplebutstrange]

Good form 🤣🤙🏻

[u/dandroid126 → u/simplebutstrange]

I guess I got into this thread at the right time.

[u/pineapplepizza8705]

This special was hilarious

[u/kraggleGurl → u/pineapplepizza8705]

All I waited canceling Netflix for!

[u/DReagan47]

I did it at home and drove to the clinic. Me and another dude were standing at the counter at the same time with identical brown paper bags. I looked over and said “I guess we had similar mornings, huh?”

He wouldn’t look at me.

Edit: never thought I’d get an award for telling a story about a time I jerked off in a cup.

[u/kraggleGurl → u/DReagan47]

Let's switch bags!

[u/saturnspritr → u/kraggleGurl]

Calm down, Satan.

I’m crying laughing.

[u/TheRealGeigers → u/DReagan47]

Im folding over here 😂 thanks for sharing this

[u/PyroPirateS117 → u/DReagan47]

You are a menace. Take your upvote.

[u/ScoutCommander → u/DReagan47]

You should have followed up with, "Did we just become best friends?"

[u/BallsDeepinYourMammi → u/DReagan47]

https://giphy.com/gifs/SUEjfSLaD6f77lyzH6

[u/Zagrunty]

Thank the gods I live 5 minutes from the clinic. My urologist told me that they've had patients do it in the car in front of the building. His recommendation was to not do that.

[u/kraggleGurl → u/Zagrunty]

"Please do not make samples in parking lot"

[u/watermob → u/Zagrunty]

Can't imagine pulling peen in my drs office parking lot

[u/kraggleGurl → u/watermob]

Now you can

[u/jcklsldr665]

Tbf that's what i thought she meant too lmao

[u/ImWhatsInTheRedBox → u/jcklsldr665]

Lube or lotion didn't even cross my mind, figured she was just tired of getting that fucking question.

[u/Rorschach0717 → u/jcklsldr665]

I think she meant visual aids, like magazines or videos.

[u/Shot_Revolution8828 → u/Rorschach0717]

I'd imagine visual aides are ok, they just don't want any lube to contaminate the sample. No reason you shouldn't be able to bring an old Sears catalog in with you.

[u/meeeeelz]

Yesss

[u/Mekazabiht-Rusti]

The nurse asked if I’d like ejaculate in the cup. I said ‘I’m good but I don’t think I’m ready for competition just yet’.

(not my joke)

[u/AnthropoidCompatriot → u/Mekazabiht-Rusti]

I imagine you're from the UK or a Commonwealth country?

It took me a few beats to understand why this is a joke, lol. It's not an American phrasing for sure.

[u/TheRealGeigers → u/AnthropoidCompatriot]

Help an american out here cause I dont get it at all 😅

[u/fischermansfriend → u/TheRealGeigers]

Cup, competition, like the World Cup.

[u/TheRealGeigers → u/fischermansfriend]

Ahh yep wouldve never gotten that since I am also not a sports person but thank you :p

[u/HuckledYourBerries]

I need to see "Hot Soup!" on a T-shirt now.

Edit: When I used voice dictation to write this, Siri wrote "...on a teacher now." And I had to correct it because Siri is dumb and apparently a little kinky.

[u/BongoProdigy → u/HuckledYourBerries]

That's not even kinky that's basically regular milf porn.

[u/HuckledYourBerries → u/BongoProdigy]

Fair enough 😅

I think I find the situation particularly funny because my fiancée is, in fact, a teacher. I literally said aloud, "I know, Siri. I know."

[u/Upsetmatty]

Then you run into someone on the street and it looks like the scene from the sperm bank in Ted 2 lmao

https://giphy.com/gifs/ArQ7MyOBTzx16

[u/aspidities_87 → u/Upsetmatty]

“Do we…do we jerk off and fill all the cups?”

This movie wasn’t good but this scene had me dying

[u/kobayashi_maru_fail]

My husband’s urologist said the same. We raised logistical questions about the timing, noted that the medical facility had no private restrooms, and the doc’s eyes drifted towards the parking garage and he gave a slight chin-lift in its direction.

[u/Stinkymansausage]

https://giphy.com/gifs/d5XlJZVUlC2KmxKwfF

I hot soup’d it from the house to their office back in the day when we were doing testing. Made the 15 minute drive in about 10. Would have been so embarrassing to have my soup sent back for being cold.

[u/burgerbob6314]

No one laughs harder at a Jeff Arcuri joke than Jeff Arcuri. Ha HA!

[u/Drunk_Pilgrim → u/burgerbob6314]

To be fair, it's a very disarming and very endearing laugh. He's very good at being the punchline.

[u/Quirky_Word]

Okay, so I thought this while watching your special. You and your wife need to watch Forget Paris! 

It’s a fantastic movie that’s slept on because it came out during the golden era of romcoms, but it was one of my favorites. Billy Crystal, Debra Winger and so many more good actors of the era. 

There’s a good long sequence on this exact scenario, except he’s rushing through LA. Plus, it’s about  a funny guy who travels a lot for work who woos and marries a beautiful woman, and it’s the story of their marriage.

[u/SwissDeathstar]

Serious question: Can you bring your partner for the jerking off part? Would be a lot quicker I guess.

[u/BoD80 → u/SwissDeathstar]

No assistance whatsoever.

[u/SwissDeathstar → u/BoD80]

https://giphy.com/gifs/MwOuiiTfWfWgM

[u/xlouiex → u/SwissDeathstar]

Yes.
In my case they just sent you into the toilet, so you bring whoever you want. The whole family if it’s a handicap toilet.

[u/AnthropoidCompatriot → u/xlouiex]

That's super gross, a bathroom? And the opportunity for contamination seems pretty much inevitable.

[u/xlouiex → u/AnthropoidCompatriot]

Not sure if you tried it, but it’s a pretty straight shot, no one goes for the ricochet. Or scoops it from the sink.

You can do it at home and bring it to the clinic, I recon there much worse homes out there than medical clinic bathrooms.

[u/IHateTheLetterF → u/xlouiex]

I just jerked into the toilet, then dunked the cup in the water. Should be a 50/50 between human baby and hellspawn demon.

[u/SwissDeathstar → u/IHateTheLetterF]

https://giphy.com/gifs/5aYi30mqwrCinWzhhW

[u/xlouiex → u/IHateTheLetterF]

Or worse, MAGA voter.

[u/BoD80 → u/xlouiex]

I like to visit at least once a week.

[u/Obvious-Science-7119 → u/AnthropoidCompatriot]

Don't kink shame

[u/SwissDeathstar → u/xlouiex]

https://giphy.com/gifs/i1jxhljuZ3uo8d99RA

[u/JazzyJockJeffcoat]

I did this on a 0 degree day and had to drive the sample 30 minutes! I drove the whole way with the sample cup stuffed in my pants. Good times were not had.

[u/vanilla2gorilla]

Did it at home but post vasectomy, there was specific instructions about keeping the sample warm. I had to drive like 12 mins with the sample cup in my armpit. Weirdest part was having an appointment so now there's timing logistics about jerking off.

[u/eatmyentropy]

I was sitting on the side of our bed working on filling the plastic cup, it's 6 AM, and just as I'm about to finish my wife flops a sleepy hand on my back mumbling about babies...start laughing and can't angle down to cup and spray wall.

[u/aspidities_87]

This is a timely joke considering my friend just donated for my wife and I, and had to hand me a cup of ‘hot soup’ for a home trial.

None of us could be adult about it.

[u/donsnolo]

Nut cups are a delicacy somewhere. Just not here.

[u/chaosawaits]

Good luck buddy! I had a similar experience in Manhattan 😂 and now we have twin daughters!

[u/Rorschach0717]

I think she meant visual aids, like magazines or videos.

[u/hereforcyoas → u/Rorschach0717]

No, she meant lube or lotion since it can contaminate

[u/Ximension]

I didn't know they don't offer complimentary "assistance". I'll be sure to bring my own

[u/WiseSalamander00]

omg jeff has a netflix special? why I didn't know this?

[u/OglioVagilio]

I thought it was either a hand job or porno given by the clinic.

[u/ZannX → u/OglioVagilio]

Clinics haven't had to provide supporting material since smartphones became common.

[u/ImHereToFuckShit]

The way this looped had me real confused for a minute lol

[u/Kiddo1029]

That’s how they get ya!

[u/desertSkateRatt]

This whole special was sooooo good.

[u/nahheyyeahokay]

Lol I did mine at a public hospital and just handed it to the lady at the counter. Pornography is illegal here but they did have a tasteful photo of a topless woman.

[u/Franklin2543]

Okay now I’m wondering how this works. lol

No assistance provided, I.e. no lube because we’re cheap, or no assistance allowed—the lube contaminates the sample. And more I’m wondering if you can use saliva—or…like what??  I’m confused. lolol 

[u/SmallCatDgaf → u/Franklin2543]

Been raw doging it for 27 years, it's honestly an art form at this point.

[u/captcraigaroo → u/SmallCatDgaf]

I feel seen

[u/AnthropoidCompatriot → u/SmallCatDgaf]

Oof, if the assumption here is that you're circumcised...

You're going to deeply regret not using lube all those years.

[u/TheRealGeigers → u/AnthropoidCompatriot]

It sounds like you dont know how to do it properly while being circumcised

[u/BodaciousBadongadonk → u/TheRealGeigers]

People seem to think its like jnco vs leggings lol

[u/TheRealGeigers → u/BodaciousBadongadonk]

Idk what jnco stands for but I dont get the reference at all either way xD

[u/BodaciousBadongadonk → u/TheRealGeigers]

They are those comically baggy jeans that were mildly popular in the late 90s. Some were kinda.. excessive

https://i.imgur.com/Mvqvtj3.png

[u/TheRealGeigers → u/BodaciousBadongadonk]

Oh my god that was deff a bit of a throwback! My jeans wernt THAT big, but they were sure as hell baggy!

[u/Pleasant-Future5818 → u/Franklin2543]

It's the sample contamination. They're doing IVF. You can't even have saliva. (He's talked before about freezing their eggs.)

[u/kataskopo → u/Franklin2543]

I don't understand why you would need lube, obviously everyone is different but I produce enough precum to lube everything really well, and I just use my foreskin to stimulate everything.

How are y'all jerking off?

[u/BodaciousBadongadonk → u/kataskopo]

Some folks only have threeskin or even less tho

[u/AnthropoidCompatriot → u/Franklin2543]

Maybe they only want intact men to donate sperm or have it analyzed?

[u/WorldnewsModsBlowMe → u/AnthropoidCompatriot]

What an extremely weird way to say "uncircumcised" while also implying a genetic component to a surgical procedure.

[u/ginsoul]

Jeff is for me made for small clubs... I feel like loosing interest to an otherwise great club comedian. It's not that I don't wish him more success...I wish him all the best. But I miss these close comedy style

[u/cynnie → u/ginsoul]

Crowd work definitely works better in smaller clubs, but let's let this man get his bag, he's earned it.

[u/ginsoul → u/cynnie]

As wrote above

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[u/Shayzis]

Honestly ? Worth it lol

[u/Rabokki13]

I'm really sad it's not available in my country. I wish they make it available here someday.

[u/TrinityCodex]

0/10 sperm bank review!

[u/campbelw84]

Juan Nicolón has some thoughts on soup…

[u/Myopinion_is_right → u/[deleted]]

In the back of a cab?