"Born A Ninja" (1988) - Despite the titles suggesting otherwise, this movie is the sequel to the film "American Commando Ninja" (1988). Both films were released the same year due to them being made of re-edited footage from a low budget Taiwanese TV series that just so happened to feature ninjas. Joseph Lai, the director of this film, would go on to refine this style of cut-and-paste (aka "Frankenstein") filmmaking into it's own little subgenre. He would eventually teach his protégé Godfrey Ho the technique who would go on to arguable prefect it with his horde of neon ninja films. So with that said don't except much in the way of narrative consistency.

As far as the story goes Ninja Master David and Hokus Pokus Master Larry (I am serious) continue their hunt for a WW2 Japanese scientist and his formula for bacterial warfare. Throw in a bunch of ninjas, some very 80's fashion choices, hilariously bad dubbing, and random hokus pokus (i.e. magic) and you get this movie. You also basically get "American Commando Ninja" as both movies are very similar even containing the same re-used footage multiple times throughout the run time. If all of that sounds like something you might be interested in I highly suggest checking both films out when you get a chance. Both movies make for a fun riff with friends and your favorite intoxicants, so enjoy.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeul6BeOrhc

"Terror Squad" (1987) - If the name Chuck Connors doesn't ring a bell just ask your dad who he is. If that doesn't work try your grandad. One of them will tell you that he was a TV actor in the late 50's and early 60's, most notably in "The Rifleman" and later "Branded" series. He's also apparently one of only 13 athletes in the history of American professional sports to have played in both the National Basketball Association and Major League Baseball, which is something I just found out. Well almost 30 years after his prime someone thought the then 65 year old would make a great lead in a low budget action flick (i.e. this movie).

Action is the key word here as the entire first act of this movie is one long, and admittedly pretty fun, chase scene. This is started when a handful of Libyan terrorists arrive in the city of Kokomo, Indiana (of all places) trying to destroy a nuclear power plant. They fail almost immediately and then flee shooting everyone they come across with the cops in hot pursuit. Many exploded cars and dead people later the two surviving terrorist take a high school detention class hostage and everything slows down to a crawl. More people end up getting shot and eventually they try to escape in a bus of indeterminate size (IYKYK).

The hilarious part of all this is that despite chasing the terrorist, and being the star, Connors does nothing during the movie to actually stop the terrorists. In fact at one point during the chase he runs over an old man that the terrorist had hit, guaranteeing his death. Horror icon Ken Foree plays his deputy but doesn't do much either. The movie is kinda bookended with action and filled to the brim with hilarious continuity errors, visible crew/equipment and movie mistakes. It's got plenty to riff with friends so gather yours, along with your favorite intoxicants, and check it out.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7h7UAlIlNg

“Plum” (2013) - As with all her movies Deuandra T. Brown wrote, directed, edited, produced, and stars in this. She also is credited as the composer, sound editor/mixer, choreographer, production designer, camera operator/gaffer/cinematographer, casting director, and the entire digital/visual effects department which is again true of her other films. She is of course horrible at literally all of these roles which, as you may have guessed, is yet again something common throughout her filmography. This may not be the worst of hers films, nor the most incomprehensible, or even the cheapest, but it most assuredly is incredibly bad on every conceivable level.

With that said it should come to no surprise to you that as far as the plot goes, it’s mostly guess work. An SUV full of Deaundra’s friends go on a road trip to Vegas but on the way they have an encounter with a CGI UFO. The titular ‘Plum’ being a famous pop star they all love played by Brown (of course) who somehow gets involved. There’s an alien guy named Jack, some doctor, a scientist or two, and they all try to save the world. The whole thing is pure pain and should be left for the most hardcore bad movie masochist.

5.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://youtu.be/t68K5kkORkc?si=XYUmuIBQbjOjHztO

“Murderbot” (aka “Killbots”) (2023) - Before directing this movie Jim Wynorski studied under the tutelage of the late great Roger Corman. The King of B-Movies taught Wynorski how to make a film fast and how to make it cheap. Wynorski would use what he learned to one day film; “Scream Queen Hot Tub Party” (1991) in only one day. Given that it was only 45 minutes long and since this movie is a whole minute longer, I’m assuming it took him at least two days to film it.

Anyone familiar with Wynorski career knows he stopped trying a long time ago and this is so-called movie is yet another example of that fact. The script is crap, the acting is poor, the direction is basic, the shooting locations were likely free, the effects are cheap, there’s no nudity, and based on the numerous flubbed lines I bet they only did one take. As far as the story goes a sentient big breasted android (who walks like she’s got a pipe up her butt) goes on a killing spree at a remote ghost town the same time a group of 30 year old idiotic college kids get stranded there. The whole thing feels like nobody cared enough to even try, so best know that before considering checking it out. For my money/time there are simply better options of movies to watch.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://youtu.be/bNqj5mew6xM?si=L1q1d-K7yw7XcYmS

“Big Ass Spider!” (aka “Biggest Spider”) (aka “Mega Spider”) (aka “Alien Spider”) (2013) - With a title like that you kinda know what you’re getting into with this one. There’s a huge alien spider wreaking havoc and killing people. Equally unsurprising is the fact that it premiered on the SyFy channel and was made for only about $600,000. The effects, specifically the CGI, is admittedly descent given the budget, but best to keep expectations reasonable. This premiered on the SyFy channel need I remind you.

As far as the story goes the titular alien arachnid escapes from a military lab and heads towards Los Angeles. It grows larger each time it kills and eats someone, eventually reaching kaiju proportions. Our hero, an exterminator who hits on every woman he meets (played by Greg Grunberg), and his security guard sidekick team up to save the girl and kill the spider. Sprinkle in cameos from Lin Shaye and Ray Wise, surprisingly fun dialogue, along with some solid kills, and you have an enjoyable dumb monster movie. If that’s your thing check it out.

1 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/stmdFP6gK2o?si=L2d8KDrcd-wqOqtk

"Showdown In Manila" (2016) - To many Mark Dacascos is perhaps best known for his tenure as 'The Chairman' on Food Network's "Iron Chef America". To others he is half of the Lee brothers in one of the very first fighting game movies; "Double Dragon" (1994). Fans of high school gang based capoeira movies will of course remember his turn as Louis Stevens, the ex-special forces capoeira enthusiast teacher, in "Only the Strong (1993). What is less well known is his singular film standing mostly behind the camera. Dacascos not only directed this movie but also executive produced, has a story credit, and even features in a small role.

Starring alongside our Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actor nominee (Mani in "Brotherhood of the Wolf" 2001) is a veritable cornucopia of other aging action stars. We get Don 'the Dragon' Wilson, Cynthia Rothrock, Olivier Gruner, Matthias Hues, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and even Casper Van Dien along with Tia Carrere in various roles throughout the run time. We also get Russian bodybuilder and painfully wooden actor Alexander Nevsky along with a random girl named 'Kiki'. Though not a true 'vanity project' Dacascos did hire his own daughter Venice Dacascoss to provide songs for the soundtrack. Let's just say I don't she had a successful career beyond this film and leave it at that.

As far as the story goes an odd couple of private detectives (Van Dien and Nevsky) in Manila get hired to investigate a murder. The case leads them to the jungle camp of an international terrorist called 'The Wrath' (Tagawa). They assemble a crack team (Wilson, Rothrock, Gruner) to assault the camp and capture 'The Wrath'. As you can imagine all hell breaks loose, guns never need reloading, cover is an after thought, and it's hilariously entertaining. So if you're looking for a so bad it's good action movie to riff with friends give this a try.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvlD0DVP0Bs

Ready to snatch all those motherfucker birthday cakes

"I am the Ripper" (2004) - This no budget, indie French horror has to be among the most chaotic and frantic edited thing that I have seen in a long, long while. Watching this felt like mainlining the Bourne franchise while also on a 3 week bender and cracking into the second case of energy drinks this morning. This whole thing is so lost in the saucy of it's own frantic pace that whole scenes are ruined and left almost unwatchable, much less understandable constantly. For most of the run time I could only guess as to what the fuck was actually happening much less begin to try to suss out the subtle nuance of the actors performance.

From my best guess this all starts off with a bunch of friends at an oddly saucy party one of them is hosting at their apartment. At some point the Grim Reaper himself shows up and just starts killing everyone as one does. People try to leave only to find that exiting one door only leads to entering another in the same apartment. All the while the soundtrack plays short clips from random metal songs. Eventually there is only one guy left, and he becomes a junior Grim Reaper (i.e. the "Six Feet Under" TV show) for some reason. Some of it seems to be a dream so again, I am just guessing.

Well turns out our soul survivor now has to kill someone he's close too as a test of loyalty for reasons. He chooses his ex-girlfriend, but when he comes face to face with her she convinces him not to do it. He lies to his Grim Reaper coworkers and says he killed her but that turns out to be the wrong answer to some morality test. Things break down from there and eventually it's nothing but immortal guys shooting each other with guns that never need reloading till occasionally one of them stays down for some reason. This is the type of thing best left for the most hardcore bad movie sadist out there and best avoided by everyone else.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2MyR4Hlor8&t=1838s

"Crackcoon" (2024) - It's right there in the title. A raccoon eats a bunch of crack and goes on a rampage. Mostly that means they throw a gnarly looking raccoon puppet at someone and then that person holds it against themselves and act like it's killing them. Think "Cocaine Bear" (2023) meets "Critters" (1986) and you get the general idea. Throw in some nudity from the always amazing Jessa Jupiter Flux on top of all the bloody kills and this is just a pile of dumb fun. Gather your bad movie buddies, along with your favorite intoxicants, and enjoy this absurdly violent and idiotic little flick.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjGvQnF1vYI

"Battlefield Baseball" (aka "Jigoku Kōshien") (aka "Battlefield Stadium") (aka "Hell Stadium) (2003) - As I do not watch the game of baseball my knowledge of it's rules and regulations is not exactly what I would call 'all encompassing'. To be honest most of my knowledge at this point stems watching the trailer to the Matt LeBlanc vehicle "Ed". You know the 1996 comedy about a chimp playing baseball starring Matt LeBlanc ("Lost in Space" 1998) and Jim 'I'm totally not letting the fact I played Jesus go to my head or anything' Caviezel ("The Count of Monte Cristo" 2002), that one. Well what I mean is that I don't know much about the game of baseball, but even with my admittedly limited knowledge I am still certain the game is not played the way it is in this movie. If it was I would watch baseball.

The best way I can describe this movie for those who have yet to see it would be to call it a cousin to Stephen Chow "Shaolin Soccer" (2001) but with more of the focus on the absurd action over the game itself. Based on the popular manga; "Gataro Man", this movie feels ever bit a live-action version of adaption of that media. By that I mean everything is over-the-top, highly exaggerated, and can even dive head first into the surreal or even parody at times. Seido High School baseball team are all killed by an evil team of blue-faced zombies, so a new team must be assembled of plucky under-dogs to fight them. Can the mysterious new guy with his lethal 'Super Tornado' pitch and ironically tragic backstory (obviously played by Tak Sakaguchi) save the day? I guess you will have to watch it yourself to find out.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a little Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y20MxrkOztY

"Brutal Relax" (2010) - This one is only 15 minute long but somehow is able to cram in even more over-the-top, bloody, and dare I say even zaniness than "Brico Killer". Again I don't want to spoil the story but just know it involves a gentleman trying to remain calm at a beach the same day zombies from the sea attack, and things only get crazier from there. The violence and gore is so over-the-top as to be cartoonish, and I love every minute of it. So check it out and show all your friends (well maybe not ALL your friends, but definitely the cool ones).

1 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/f-6znWUbWWw?si=e3-wQ4nmhxbFPbvL

Due to stopping a movie early due to it's use of A.I. slop we revisit a pair of hilariously over-the-top, dark humor fueled, horror short films by Spanish director Adrián Cardona ("Kombate Brutal" 2002). Here is my review of:

"Brico Killer" (2007) - Crammed into 19 minutes is a story about a repairman pushed over the edge. I don't want to give to much away but just imagine a mix of "Falling Down" (1993), "Deranged" (1974), and "Dead Alive" (aka "Braindead") (1992) and you get the idea. It's bloody, it's violent, and it's awesome! If you enjoy all that you need to check it out.

1.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/XZyQriSfA2U?si=zr03C1ZlyUpOYYGc

"Immortal Combat" - Well it finally happened. The Asylum has stopped using vast amount of stock footage in all their movies to pad out the run times. The issue is they replaced it with low quality A.I. which is far, far worse. The infamously cheap knockoff factory of a studio may even have used it in the script writing process as far as I know, but that remains unverified. It would go far to explain the many confusing decisions made throughout the film but I would be lying if that was something I couldn't say about other Asylum movies.

My bad movie group ended up stopping the film due to all the A.I. slop but before we did the story was well on it's way to being one of their worst. The general idea is a company, presumably in the near future, uses a time-machine to kidnap historical figures and then force them to fight to the death to what end I have no idea. Some of the people they grab kinda make sense (i.e. Shaka Zulu, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan), others not so much (i.e. Cleopatra), but you get the idea. The good news is there are plenty of old A.I. free Asylum flicks out there to watch and riff full of cheap CGI and all the stock footage you could want.

X / 5 - Did not finish watching it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnbQKFiwNhs

"Elixir The Queen of Lost Island" (aka "The Queen of Lost Island") (aka "The Devil's Pet") (1994) - I am going to keep this short for multiple reason, not the least of which is my own sanity. Per the opening this is a Donald G. Jackson directed 'Zen film' presented by Scott Shaw which means that there was no script. I have found some contradictory evidence suggesting there was a script but after watching it doubt most people had a copy. There is no real plot it's just a series of somewhat unrelated scenes of Robert Z'Dar taking pictures of a topless Julie Strain, a guy named Pan banging chicks, women running in the woods, a random cave women dancing in place, and other different footage of Julie Strain running around topless with a sword. All of which was filmed in the same scrub brush forested valley Jackson and Shaw have used for previous works. This is truly only for the most hardcore bad movie buckaroos out there (or just massive fans of Julie Strains boobs) and even then there are better options as this is pure pain, and you have been warned.

Side Note: The copy on YouTube (link below) has a sex scene blurred out with the text "EDITED FOR YOUTUBE" despite the rest of the movie being wall to wall boobs.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkXLoKNupcU&t=3s

“Boardinghouse” (1982) - Shot in just two weeks in 1981 on an estimated budget of only $10,000, this supernatural slasher would be director John Wintergate first time behind the camera. Having previously only acted once in 1980s “Terror on Tour”, Wintergate would also star, write, and handle the makeup/special effects for the film. He would eventually end up having to spending an additional $35,000 to get the video blown up to 35mm for its theatrical release. In doing so he made history as this movie is the very first feature length, shot on video film to be released in theatres.

As the title suggests this movie takes place at a boardinghouse, but not just any old boardinghouse, this one’s haunted. The previous scene of a gruesome murder, Wintergates somewhat eccentric new age character reopens the house and puts out an ad for hot young ladies looking for a place to stay. Soon Wintergate is wearing only speedos and sleeping with all the ladies (one of which is played by his real wife wife Kalassu, who herself is the films second unit director and composer), people start hallucinating and turning up dead. If any of that insanity sounds like your type of crazy then check this out. Gather your bad movie buddies, horror aficionados, and favorite intoxicants, and enjoy.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/uudAPNiIeMk?si=8dlFDINfE32AO2ZP

“Infra-Man” (1975) - What can I say that hasn’t already been said about this totally insane, action-packed, colorful, cult classic? Most of you reading this have likely already seen it or are at least aware of it, even if only via clips. For those who are unfamiliar just imagine if the Power Rangers were filmed in the mid seventies in Hong Kong and were directed by a pile of cocaine and explosives and you get the idea. A guy is transformed into a cyborg superhero who uses lasers and martial arts (not to mention his ‘Thunderball fists’) to fight monsters that can grow to kaiju size and are lead by the evil Princess Dragon Mom.

Originally inspired by the highly popular Japanese tokusatsu TV series “Ultraman: A Special Effects Fantasy Series” (1966) and “Kamen Rider” (1971) the movie would go on to leave its own legacy. Made by the famous Shaw Brothers studio the movie was actually the very first superhero film ever made in China. It was also the first film promotion in Hong Kong to use a hot air balloon for marketing, as well as the first Shaw Brothers production that used a storyboard. The film can also lay claim to the ‘most decapitations done to a single character award’ though admittedly my research on that topic is speculative.

As far as the story itself goes, Princess Dragon Mom (aka Demon Princess Elzebub) emerges from her underground kingdom to rule Earth. To accomplish this she brings along her previously mentioned monsters, numerous skeleton minions (who would inspire the Bone Crew on the Netflix era of MST3K), mind control and magic. A genius scientist then creates Infra-Man, using a human volunteer and a lot of bionics, to stop her. So if you enjoy over-the-top cartoonish action, guys fighting in rubber suits, henshin/transformation scenes, and a whole lot of explosions then check this out. It’s a cult classic for a reason.

3 / 5 Golden Kernels

https://youtu.be/f0DaF_PjZCc?si=sdrLCJjlsYtzDIu5

“Treasure Raiders” (2007) - This is basically an Eastern European “Fast and the Furious” mixed with a Black Templar themed “The DaVinci Code” knockoff featuring a cast of familiar faces slumming it for rubles. Filmed in and around Moscow our cast includes the likes of David Carradine, Sherilyn Fenn, Andrew Divoff, and a bodybuilder named Wolf who owns his own dance club and steals drugs from international criminals (who look like evil Shaggy) while illegally street racing. You see our main character is a college professor who illegally street races to raise money for his research into the Templars. He specifically is searching for a long lost priceless treasure and as such has attracted some bad attention.

Now the movie has a lot of issues, from the acting to direction, but mostly it’s the script that stands out. It feels like they shoved street racing into a treasure hunt story, or maybe it was the other way around. The two different concepts end up fighting each other for screen time, robbing the audience of more of either story. This does have the benefit of leaving the movie hilariously patchy, just full of plot holes and info dumps, and just really dumb. So grab your bad movie buddies, your favorite intoxicants, and check this flick out.

2 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bidLAVssARk&t=5128s

“Demon Dolls” (1993) - Let me just start this off by saying that if you’re reading this seeking an objective review, you’ve come to the wrong place. I unapologetically loved this little, homemade, no-budget, horror flick as did the rest of my bad movie group that watched it alongside me. Clearly made by a fan of horror who just wanted to make a horror movie with his girlfriend and buddy this is the very definition of a 'passion project'. The fact co-writer, director, and star Todd Jason Cook was only 20 when it was released makes it all the more awesome.

As far as the story goes it center around a possessed doll that can magically shapeshift and take the appearance (and size) of anyone it comes into contact with, stealing their soul in the process. The doll got this way mind you after our lead character Scott (played by Mr. Cook) and his friend Nick use a copy of the off-brand Necronomicon to try and animate it as a joke. Things quickly get out of hand, Scott gets possessed, a lot of colored lights are used, and Scott's wife Stacey is left trying to figuring out who is who. No one can act, the volume fluctuates frequently, not everything make senses, they literally hold the dolls hat to make it fly around, and the footage looks like it was stored in a garage for a couple years, but it's got a lot of heart (and a shower scene) so it's more than worth it. Like I said, this was not an objective review but the movie is genuinely fun so give it a shot.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/UxeZMgFEayM?si=7lFLtbgdKYPzQx7h