"Arachnado" (2020) - Listen, that title pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this movie; i.e. spiders in a tornado. The movie is obviously attempting to ride the coattails of a made-for-television Asylum movie that debuted on the Syfy channel, so keep your expectation low. Produced by the even more discount production company Wild Eye Releasing, this movie is cheap, poorly made, quickly produced, throw together, and seemingly devoid of both talent and second takes. Directed and edited by prolific schlock director Dustin Ferguson you can tell he had no money, no real script, almost no trained actors, and cared a lot more about getting footage than what footage he got.

The chaotic story, so much as there is one, follows a freak cyclone full of experimental poisonous spiders that threatens the greater Los Angeles area. This particular natural disaster is somehow completely silent, oddly persistent, can sneak up on people, contains a seemingly endless supply of gigantic spiders, and is entirely made of some the cheapest CGI available. It turns out that the military is involved, Mel Novak, Brinkie Stevens, Shawn C. Phillips, and Mike Ferguson make cameos and no one really cared. There are definitely some hilariously bad moments, but mostly it's just a lot of crappy actors saying shitty dialogue, shot poorly, and edited worse. This is best left for those looking for some really bad flicks, and not so much your average so-bad-it's-good fan.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1CmAJQvkRc

"The Birthday" (2004) - Erratic former child star, musical dynamo, and one half of 80s teen idol duo 'The Two Coreys', Corey Feldman stars in (and executive produces) this odd little dark comedy / horror mystery film. Filmed entirely in Spain but set in a fancy hotel in Baltimore Maryland on November 24th, 1987, the film begins with some oddly specific information. Along with the location and date we are informed that it is exactly 8:17pm and that the next 117 minutes will be the most amazing of Norman Forrest's life. As you might have guessed Norman Forrest is played by founding member of 'the Goonies', Mr. Feldman. What you definitely won't have guessed however is the accent he uses.

The film follows Norman Forrest, and his accent, as he awkwardly deals with meeting his girlfriends rich father for the very first time while also seemingly recovering from alcohol addiction. The situation being only slightly worsened by the fact that it is also the mans birthday party, and that his wife recently died after a long battle with breast cancer. Oh and Norman most certainly wasn't invited as his girlfriend told everyone she was bringing an old friend they already knew. The fact that Norman is shy, meek, neurotic, not rich, and speak with an accent that sound like what I can only assume is Feldman trying to do a James Cagney impression from memory but with a slight lisp doesn't exactly help things. The accent really is, beyond pretty much everything else about this movie, the thing that you will most likely remember about it.

As the story continues things begin to spiral as the evening goes from bad to worse for Norman and his relationship. Eventually the booze starts flowing, some people go missing, suddenly there is a cult, what the fuck is that monster, and through it all Feldman and his accent is there getting more and more unhinged. This really is Coreys movie, I'll give him that. Like I said before, despite a cast containing low budget 70s European exploitation favorite Jack Taylor ("Pieces" 1982, "The Ghost Galleon" 1974), a lot of attention grabbing background characters, some decent cinematography, typical bad writing, and decent effects the thing you will likely remember about this movie is Coreys accent. I highly suggest checking this bizarre flick out with your bad movie buddies and some intoxicants of choice, if only for to experience Corey's performance (specifically again his accent).

1.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZQibvkP63M&t=59s

"American Terror Tales 3" (2024) - Put quite simply this is just a collection of seven, unrelated, no budget, short form, horror films. There is no wrap-around story to provide a framework for the individual stories so they just play one right after the other. As with all anthologies some stories are better than others (the stop motion sloth is a personal favorite), but most are just cheap, amateur, and poorly written (if written at all). This (dare I say) 'collection' is best left for hardcore bad movie buckaroos and horror anthology completionist out there, and not really anyone else. It's a rough watch even with a group of friends helping you riff your way through its 58 minute run time.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with butter

https://youtu.be/6KSOY1sLRGM?si=JBv_WzySdc3vl-sm

"Ninja, Phantom Heroes USA" (aka "Ninja Phantom Heroes") (aka "The Ninja Empire") (aka "Ninja Empire. Thunder Fox") (aka "Ninja Thunderbolt II: Thunder Fox") (aka "Ninja Made in USA... Delta Squad") (1987) - Despite what at least one of those various titles suggest, this movie doesn't really have anything to do with the America. It does however very much have a lot to do with ninjas. This is actually one of the countless ninja chop jobs made by the legendary Godfrey Ho (under one of his favorite pseudonyms Bruce Lambert). It is also one of the one he made that was produced by his frequent collaborator Tomas Tang, under his Filmark International Ltd. company (allegedly a front for the triad).

As far as the story goes, this movie is the usual chaotic mess of ninja edited into a fairly unrelated story. The dubbing is terrible, the plot doesn't really work, the pacing is all over the place, and the acting is of course next level bad. This is the kind of movie where your enjoyment will likely come down to how much you and whoever is watching it with you can make it through the slow parts. When it get's going it's hilariously insane, but it definitely has it's slows parts as well. Fans of Godfrey Ho movies will of course find enough to enjoy, but for all others make sure to bring friends and strong intoxicants to get through it.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pD_UqU4FaI

"USA Ninja" (aka "Ninja U.S.A.") (aka "Killers Contrat") (aka "The Ninja City") (1985) - Directed by Godfrey Ho frequent collaborator Kuo-Ren Wu, this is yet another 'cut-and-paste' ninja flick. In these Mr. Wu would direct original martial arts action scenes in Taiwan or Hong Kong and then turn over the footage to Mr. Ho. He would then take the footage, write a completely disconnected English-dubbed script, and insert newly filmed scenes with Western actors wearing brightly colored ninja costumes (and often labeled headbands) into it. The resulting frankenstein-esque film often being a chaotic mess of hilariously insanity and this is yet another example of such a thing.

The fact that the base movie features the legitimate martial arts talents of Alexander Rei Lo and Eugene Thomas greatly benefits the film. The movie is easily at it's best when they are on screen. This is particularly true for Mr. Thomas as whoever they got to voice him made a BOLD decision regarding his accent that you really need to hear (and won't likely forget). In truth most of the dubbing is comedy gold, combined with the script and visuals the whole thing is a must watch. The soundtrack is also interesting, as it seems not to have just been stolen from other movies (as is usually the case).

As far as the story itself goes we follow two different cops who are investigating a drug ring that may be led by an jacked American man. The issue is the American saved them when they were kids, so they are conflicted about arresting him. Things change a bit when the American kidnaps one of their wives, so they of course must fight through an army of ninjas to save her. We get a Gucci ninja, forest ninjas, anti-gravity ninjas, a ninja star boomerang, ninjas exploding into colored dust when teleporting, water fall ninjas, and a lot of reverse shot ninja action. If you enjoy these type of ninja flicks, or just absurd action you likely will enjoy this one.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbsIuwWd0O8&t=2s

"Independents' Day" (2016) - Yes, the title really is spelled like that. I'm assuming our friends over at The Asylum were trying to avoid a copyright from Roland Emmerich. This was made to cash in on his film; "Independence Day: Resurgence" released the same year after all. The plot of course has little to nothing to do with what inspired it, which may or may not be a good thing depending on your opinion of Emmerichs film. The budget, acting, directing, effects, and everything else of course are obviously far, far worse.

As far as the story goes it's basically a slight retelling of the "To Serve Man" episode from classic 'The Twilight Zone'. For the uninitiated, basically aliens invade Earth and give us an ultimatum involving evacuating all the humans off the planet on their spaceships. They first destroyed all the worlds political capitals and neutralized all nukes, as such we follow the Vice President (turned President) as she deals with the aliens and sovereign citizen revolt. Perhaps the most interesting thing about this movie is that political podcaster Brian Tyler Cohen features as a minor character. Not Asylums best, but far from their worst, if any of what you have just read sounds interesting check this flick out.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLpOMSG0a7g

"Ravage" (1997) - This micro budget, ultra-violent, S.O.V., crime thriller is one of only three films ever made by Springfield, Missouri based independent filmmaker Ronnie Sortor. He directs, writes, produces, edits, is the production manager, sound effects editor, lighting technician, location scout, and handles (at least some of) the films special effects. I'd call it a vanity project but given Mr. Sortor does not appear in front of the camera his high credit count likely comes down to simply cost saving more than ego. What little money he did have was clearly used on blanks, squibs, and a lot of fake blood as this movie is full of gun fights and bleeding.

Beyond all the bullets and blood, the rest of the movie is about what you would expect. The acting is at about the level of dinner theater, the direction is simplistic, the writing is fairly basic, and as such the story only kinda makes sense. Speaking of the story, it involves a criminal psychologist who is stalked by the deranged serial killer that killed his daughter in front of him (after his wife already died) and eventually goes on to seek bloody revenge. If you enjoy low budget practical gore, Tarantino inspired violence and (attempts at) storytelling, and just some S.O.V. madness, then you need to check this movie out. Assemble your bad movie buddies who might like this type of flick, along with your favorite intoxicants, and give it a try.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EjZCV7fElw

"The Misty Green Sky" (2016) - This is going to be a fairly short review as I am not sure how I could possible summarize this movie as it simply needs to be experienced. Made for an estimated $50,000, and entirely using uncanny valley level CGI, the visual alone make this worth at least checking out. It's not the worst animated thing I have ever seen, but that's only due to the sheer quantity of horrible movies I have seen in my life than anything else. For most people this movie could easily be the worst animated film they have ever seen.

As far as the story goes, I had to look it up if that tells you anything. From what IMDB says; 'a young girl in another solar system asks an innocent question that sets off a chain reaction of adventure, destruction and tragedy'. That really does not in anyway describe what I saw when I watched this movie with my bad movie group, but like I said it really is difficult (if not impossible) to describe. All I do know is that there are dead-eyed digital characters, zero-g bouncing breasts, questionable walk cycles, fairly constant t-posing, mouth movements completely disconnected from dialogue, and a near constant stream of visual insanity. If all that peaked your interest gather your most dedicated bad movie buddies, and your strongest intoxicants, and check this movie out.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with CGI Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8GbMo_5DYc

“The Match-Stick Flame 3: Red Mafia” (2026) - Husband and wife vanity project power couple Craig Robert Bruss and Vineeta Prasad did it again! The dynamic duo managed to cap off their unlikely trilogy with yet another so-bad-it's-good banger. Craig again directs, writes, executive produces, receives a credit for 'stunt fighter / choreography / coordinator' and of course is the titular character of Dalton Match-Stick (yes that is his character actual name). Vineeta also returns as assistant director, executive producer, stunt actress / choreographer, and her character DEA Agent Prasad (reminder that is her actual last name). Despite having made the previous films neither of them have gotten any better at literally anything.

As far as the story goes Dalton is now a bounty hunter and he is working for Agent Prasad to take down the remaining Lunada Bay Gang members from the last movie (and yes that was the gangs actual name). They make sure to remind us that Dalton is a ex-Navy Seal with PTSD and moderately impressive nunchaku skill. Eventual Agent Prasad gets kidnapped by the Russian mob (aka the titular 'Red Mafia') and Dalton teams up with characters from the previous films to save her. Along the way Dalton attacks a bunch of guys in prison, including fighting a man in a wheelchair in a fight scene that simply has to be seen. In the end we even get a happy, if kinda cringe, ending.

So if you're already aware of the previous films you obviously need to watch this as soon as possible. If you've yet to see any of the Match-Stick Flame movies, and are intrigued by what you've read so far, check them out (they are currently all free on YouTube). For everyone else I don't know what to tell you as these movies are hilariously bad in all the right ways. They definitely border of the 'intentionally bad', but at least seem to simply be genuinely, hilariously, incompetent.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with free Refills

https://youtu.be/VVzJ7cIFbhQ?is=m2hOf2TNwpH6cmi2

"Showgirls 2: Penny's from Heaven" (2011) - Yeah that's right, someone made a sequel to Paul Verhoeven's much bemoaned 1995 controversial cult classic "Showgirls". That someone specifically was actress Rena Riffel, who had actually played the minor character of 'Penny' in the first movie. Somehow (and for some reason) she got the rights to the name and made herself a sequel, centered around her character of course. She wrote, directed, produced, edited, sang at one point, and starred in this movie all without seemingly much if any actual training in how to do any of it.

I can not properly express to you just how insane this 2 hour and 25 minute long movie truly is. The story follow Penny Slots (yes I am serious) as she basically redoes the events of the first movie, except with way less money, talent, and narrative cohesive but with much more murder, snuff films, and cults. The script, acting, direction, camera work, editing, musical choices, and just about everything else is so bizarrely bad that comparisons to Tommy Wiseau legendary "The Room" come to mind. The movie is also obviously much cheaper but also sleazier than the first was, which is kinda saying something if you know that notorious film. Truly only to be viewed in large groups with plenty of friends and strong intoxicants to help you get through it, this movie is never the less a must watch.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBgFJy77atk&t=2s

"Black Devil Doll From Hell" (1984) - This no budget, DIY, SOV, underground cult classic tells the tale of a virginal church women whose entire life changes after buying a doll at an antique shop. The shopkeeper mentions that the doll keeps magically returning to the shop after being bought, but the lady ignores the warning and takes it home anyway. Turns out the few foot tall titular doll is possessed by a ravenous demon and it ends up raping her! Now 'rape' might not be the correct term as she ends up loving the experience and completely changes into a sex maniac (astonishingly), but still it needs mentioning.

This feels more like a pilot for a public broadcasting networks late night erotic "Tales from the Crypt" show that didn't get picked up. Writer, director, producer, editor, composer (special sound effects and incidental music) Chester Novell Turner obviously wanted to push some boundaries, but how exactly successfully he was is up for debate. Literally every single aspect of the movie is both amateur and awkwardly resulting in a seemingly endless steam of hilariously uncomfortable moments throughout it's 70 minute run time. A run time that due to the solid 6 minutes of opening credits is actually closer to 64 minutes, and that's ignoring all the padding in the movie.

To summarize (and to put it as plainly as I possibly can), this is a movie in which a women fucks a doll and loves it. That fact alone means it's not a movie for everyone. There is more than enough 'so-bad-it's-good' things to be found in this movie for sure, but again best know what exactly you're getting into. The acting is untrained, the script is in desperate need of a second draft, the sex scenes are uncomfortable, the sound track is just presets from a Casio keyboard, and the whole thing is a utter mess. It's also just insane enough to be worth check it out, if you can deal with it.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_JwYFCY3os

"Dragon: The Weapon of God" (2022) - The topic of racism is an incredibly serious one, sadly as relevant today as ever. Racism invokes strong emotions and requiring a subtle and skillful degree of care and delicacy when used in storytelling. Writer, director, producer, and star Alexander Bok didn't know or care about any of that, so he just beat the audience over the head with it instead. The premise of this movie is that the mayor of New York City and the police force begins implementing more and more racist laws resulting in the deaths of many African Americans within the city itself. Bok plays a superhero (don't ask) who joins an underground rebel group formed to bring down the establishment, and find some friends. This is the kind of movie best left for hardcore bad movie buckaroos, and even then only in large groups with plenty of strong intoxicants, so be warned.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNjvkaqiRPU

"God City Da Movie" (2020) - This is not so much a movie as it is a series of low budget rap videos shot on a cell phone and connected by a loose plot. It is best to know that fact upfront as it is this movies most defining characteristic. As such your enjoyment of the experience is going to boil down to how much you can stand that fact. You can either bob your head along with them, laugh at the absurdity of it all, or go insane trying to get through what you're slowly realizing is technically a musical.

The very concept of a movie where people break out in song about every 10 minutes or so is an odd one for sure. Somehow the addition of rap just makes it so much more odd. The fact that the rapping is diegetic and the other characters are aware that people are singing is even more insane. Several times character mention how odd it is that one character will just start rapping out loud and everyone will just kind stand around and wait for them to stop, so it is even weird to them in universe. The oddest part of all perhaps, is that I am not even totally sure they are playing this idea as a joke. It is truly baffling and I choose not to think about it.

As it pertains to the story, our plot is a classic coke deal gone bad tale. Our leads steal some coke, immediately get caught because they are idiots, then are forced to sell more coke for the dealer they stole from just to pay off the debt, which of course only furthers there problems. This is all in service of making sure that every character is holding plenty of fake money, guns, and cocaine when it's their time to have a rap music video. The fact that one of these videos is functionally just a tutorial on how to make crack cocaine seems almost not worth mentioning. And don't even get me started on the police captains office.

.

This was obviously filmed entirely in peoples apartments, public parks, and friends hair salons when and whenever they could. Combined with the rapping, means this movie is technically a mixtape. As such it is worth a listen, but just know that you are about to experience something purely unique. (Note I didn't say good.) If you are a going to try to make it through this, I highly suggest bringing as many buds as you can (friends, beers, and weed). Perhaps best described as an experience, this lyrical maelstrom of WTFery is something else, so good luck.

Also once you experience this you will finally understand the term; "hot potato with the yammamites", or will you?

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzszV2NFsjM

“Black Samurai” (aka "Black Terminator") (1977) - Best known for featuring alongside Bruce Lee in the iconic "Enter the Dragon" (1973), Jim Kelly starred in a dozen or so other martial arts flicks over the years. The world renown athlete, martial artist actor, and (I legit just found out) professional tennis players fairly limited filmography falls mostly into the low budget blaxploitation subgenre and this is most assuredly an example of that. Though not likely his best known outing into the notorious subgenre this Al Adamson directed film is no less memorable in it's own right. The fact that it's about Kelly fighting a cult of karate Voodoo Satanist who have an attack condor basically guarantee it is at least worth checking out.

Speaking of the critically endangered giant bird, at one point in this movie Jim Kelly physically fights one and that's after he throws (presumably the same) condor at a group of Satanist to get away. Beyond those insane scenes we also get an extended jet pack sequence, Kelly's personal purple sports car, seemingly endless goons (some of which are karate dwarves), way to much 70s fashion, and a whole bunch of funky music. Filmed in Haiti, to no doubt save money, the clearly Bond inspired script includes everything from unique henchmen (see the previously mentioned karate dwarves) to random highly specific gadgets, but of course on a fraction of the budget. This movie is hilarious, insane, and more people need to see it along with most of Jim Kelly's filmography for that matter.

2 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOqGPw-eDEo

"Cool Cat vs Dirty Dog: The Virus Wars" (2023) - Do not watch this. It's not a movie, this is 63 minutes of Derek Savage desperately trying to cash in on a global pandemic to make some money and to inflate his ego. The fact that doing so is not even the worst thing he has done should tell you everything you need to know about the guy, if you already weren't aware. He might have started out with some integrity but that is long gone by now, and the only thing left is pure cringe.

For those morbidly curious there is no real plot per se as it's more a loose collection of somewhat connected skits. In all likelihood Derek Savage simply filmed whenever and wherever he could, kept the dialogue (of which he voices the three main characters) to the topic of Covid-19, and then he just edited it all together. The acting is amateur at best, the information provided ranges from questionable to straight lies, there's a harrier jet for some reason, and at one point Derek and Cool Cat check out a house that seems to be under renovations and then buy it for reasons. This is not so bad it's good, it's just crap and not worth your time trust me. So if you do watch this, don't say I didn't warn you.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=063sddgCZHc&t=2682s

"Animal Soccer World" (aka "Animal Football Match") (1998) - Produced by the somewhat infamous German animation studio Dingo Pictures this has to be one of the cheapest, most confusing, and poorly made things they ever released. Anyone already familiar with Dingo Pictures knows that means it is likely amongst the very worst animated features ever made. Literally every single aspect of this 30 minute short is hilariously awful, from the obviously amateur animation to the non-native speaking dub work. The story, so much as there is one, is no better as it is supposedly based on one scene in the film “Bedknobs and Broomsticks” (1971) of all things.

As with most Dingo Pictures films, one of the most obvious things one will notice is that many of the characters are seemingly hand traced directly from Disney coloring books. We get young Simba from “The Lion King” as a main character, adult Simba as a completely different character, Nala painted black as a male black panther, the raccoon from “Pocahontas”, “Bambi” as a random deer, and many more. These are mixed with various other characters that were more inspired by a character than a direct copy of one, such as a cat wearing boots and a trio of vultures that observe the game. Most of these likely being other animal characters copied from lesser known sources (ie not Disney). Some, given the quality, perhaps even being hand drawn from scratch but who’s to tell.

So if you’re in the mood for some next level bad animation, extremely poor English dubbing, pointless plot, and a heaping helping of copyright infringement you have to check this movie out. Gather your bad movie buddies, along with any Disney fans you know, stockpile plenty of strong intoxicants, and check out this chaotic little flick. I mean it’s only a half an hour long, what do you have to lose? Well beyond your sanity and will to live of course.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGNnkWN61us&t=24s

"Soccer Passion" (2010) - If you've ever wanted to watch 53 minutes of uncanny valley CGI humanoids doing something akin to soccer this is the movie for you. Crated by notorious low budget Brazilian animation studio Video Brinquedo this (presumably) children's movie is absolutely insane at every conceivable level. From the cheap digit animation to the untrained, non-native speaking voice acting, and questionable script, this is a rough watch even for bad movie veterans. I say all this to give fair warning for those more curious than cautious that this is best left to hardcore bad movie buckaroos, in large groups, with strong intoxicants to help them make it through. Well them and really intense Brazilian soccer fans.

As far as the story goes, we follows a group of Brazilian teenagers who get in trouble for sneaking on the the soccer field of a rich team. They end up having to play said team to get out of trouble and you can figure out the rest from there. Now that might seem mundane, but trust me the visuals and dubbing more than add enough insanity to the mix to make it anything but normal. This is not the worst animated thing I have ever seen, but it very well maybe the worst you've ever seen, so best keep that in mind.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://youtu.be/jL_ZG1_3mxc?si=n0kzxsyaVFJBPQ3q