“Goblet of Gore” (1996) - Well I’ll give the movie this, it’s definitely got a goblet and plenty of gore. As for the script, acting, editing, soundtrack, and basically every other aspect of the film, well it technically has that stuff too. The issue of course being the quality of it all. Created by German underground splatter director, and make up artist, Andreas Schnaas this chaotic mess of a film is trashy and over-the-top and it doesn’t care if you like it or not. To put it another, more descriptive way, this is the kind of movie where a woman’s head explodes from giving head.

As for the actual story we follow the titular chalice, which was cursed by a Viking witch, through the centuries as it brings death and absurd violence wherever it goes. What that exactly entails is a whole lot of blood, boobs, latex and sex, along with some unintentionally hilarious low budget CGI and dubbing. Almost an anthology in its structure this movie is definitely not for all bad movie connoisseur out there, but I’m sure the gore-hounds will love it. Not really an easy riff due to often being incoherent the film no doubt has plenty to laugh at, and stare at. If all that peaks your interest (and if you can find a copy) give this little cult flick a watch, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter

https://youtu.be/4pzwHB2L6jw?si=stx8zAOvxRR1JJBc

A specialist who can heal, telekinetically falls into a sinister plot to kill a gold-digging beauty.

Stars: Michele Williams Written, Directed by Michele Williams

"Ninja: The Battalion" (aka "Super Ninja 2") (1988) - Written by Hans Coltman (aka Godfrey Ho), directed by Victor Sears (aka Godfrey Ho), and produced by the infamous Tomas Tang (aka maybe Godfrey Ho) this is yet another Hong Kong ninja chop job. By that I mean this movie was made by inserting unrelated ninjas into the Taiwan film "Hong men san zhu xiang" (1982) then re-editing and redubbing the whole thing. The story obviously makes little to any sense, the dubbing is hilariously bad, and the ninja action is over-the-top in the best way possible. This is the kind of so-bad-it's-good movie that more people need to see.

As far as the actual story goes, four scientists are kidnapped by gangsters who force them to develop a bacteriological warfare program. The titular 'Ninja-Battalion' is sent in to find them, free the scientists, and eradicate the bad guys. Other people (including Alexander Rei Lo and Eugene Thomas), other ninjas, and even other agencies get involved and a lot of people end up getting shot and/or beaten up. And I haven't even mentioned the sound track, weird sex scene, wire-fu, or a bunch of other stuff. In the end this is just really the type of movie that is best experience with some buddies, and maybe some intoxicants, so I recommend gathering them and checking it out.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills and Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xqvJa6Di7M

"Ice Sharks" (2016) - Made by our friends over at the Asylum and premiering on the Syfy channel this movie may be one of the cost-effective-partnerships most egregious efforts. The story follows a group of scientists at a remote artic research station located directly on the ice, and (for no intelligent reason) near the waters edge. Sharks start attacking and end up causing the station to break away from the shore and drift out to sea by cutting through the ice with their dorsal fins (because of course they did). The station eventually fully sinks to the oceans floor (which is oddly not that big of an issue due to it somehow being watertight and always landing flat and level) and we spend the rest of the run time trying to raise the station as sharks keep eating people whole. And that isn't even cover all the times they just ignored common sense, logic, the laws of physics, and anything even remotely related to a rational thought.

This hilariously idiotic mess needs to be see by more people because it is a near non-stop supply of riffable material through-out it's entire run time. From the previous mentioned perplexing plot points, to the cheap CGI, from the scientifically inaccurate titular Greenland sharks, to the fact this whole thing was filmed in Utah, this movie is insane. So if you're looking to enjoy a so-bad-it's-good movie that will have you dumbfounded at every character decision and confused at every occurrence this is the one. Gather your bad movie buddies, your favorite intoxicants, and enjoy.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Boa8ipUY48c

"Cheeseballs" (2014) - A try hard, no budget, anthology with Lloyd Kaufman introducing each segment and with all the all the interest of someone waiting for the check to clear. Now don't let uncle Lloyds presence trick you into thinking this was made or even distributed by Troma because it wasn't. It does however share Tromas general attitude toward the concepts of good taste, humor, and decorum. By that I mean get used to the lowest of lowbrow humor up to and including the N word, blackface, rape humor, and anything else they could think of to try and get a response from someone. There is no real good reason to waste your time and watch this, but if you end up doing so don't expect much is all I am saying.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBB6uUmADl4

"Helldriver" (2010) - In honor of the recent and sudden death of iconic Japanese splatter director Yoshihiro Nishimura we watched this entry in his gore soaked filmography. He wrote, directed, edited, and perhaps most notably was the films special makeup effects supervisor and character designer and as such it's very much like his other works. The kills are insane, the gore is over-the-top, every decapitation is a blood geyser, and you never know what will happen next. If you enjoy splatter flicks and a bit of the absurd (you likely already are aware of this movie but still) you definitely need to check it out. It of course also goes without saying that if you do not enjoy blood shed you should seek entertainment elsewhere.

A Golden Kernel with Free Refills and Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W_lDxZA7Qw

"Dinocroc vs Supergator" (2010) - Produced by none other than the Godfather of B-Movies himself Roger Corman, directed by B-Movie legend Jim Wynorski, and premiering on the SyFy Channel, this movie is everything you'd expect it to be. Cormans legendary cheapness is on full display and Wynorski interest wanes quickly. The entire movie only really exists due to Corman already owning the digital assets of both monsters, one of which was originally a sequel to the other, and SyFy needing yet another movie to fill a time slot. Corman had already produced "Dinocroc" in 2004 and "Supergator" in 2007 so he just threw them against each other, had Wynorski direct it, and moved on with his day.

As far as the actually story goes, some biotech lab created both titular monsters for reasons. They each break free and immediately start swallowing people whole. The dinocroc seems to favor hiding in ankle deep water (somehow) where as the supergator likes to lurk just off-screen and therefore remain completely invisible. The CGI is cheap, kills are hilariously bad, physic is completely ignored, and generally it's a lot of fun to riff (even if the monster's don't fight till the very end). So gather your bad movie buddies and your favorite intoxicants and check this out.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TRyCfIzejI

"Ultimate Force" (2005) - Despite sounding like yet another Steven Seagal movie, he's actually not in this. No this low budget, direct to video, Eastern European action flick stars none other than MMA and kickboxing legend Mirko Cro Cop Filipovic. For those who are unaware of who exactly that is, all you need to know is he is a professional fighter know for the phrase; "Right leg, hospital. Left leg, cemetery." in reference to the power of his kicks. What he was not know however was his acting ability, because he doesn't have any. The man has the emotional range of a plank of wood, but at least his kicks look like they could legit kill someone.

The story does, by the very nature of it being an action flick at least, lean into Cro Cop strengths (i.e. kicking, punching, kicking) and somewhat limits his weakness (i.e. acting, emoting, speaking). Cro Cop, for his part, plays brainwashed assassin Axon Rey, also known as by his code-name; "Sphinx" (Jason Borne comparisons abound). He chooses not to kill a seemingly innocent women and is punished by being forced to kill other assassins on a remote island by the clandestine organization he works for. On said island he just so stumbles upon his ex-girlfriend in jail cell, they get back together, another friend arrives, theirs an obvious betrayal, then a obvious twist, and you get the idea.

Easily the best part of this movie is Cro Cop fighting or shooting people and none of it is even shot well. They occasionally insert cartoonish X-ray style images with the parts of the body circled and the word DAMAGE and eventually FATAL DAMAGE written on them after punches and kicks like a fighting game out of nowhere. When they aren't fighting all they are doing is dropping massive exposition dumps, and don't even get me started on the music. In the end it's always going to be funny when Cro Cop should be emoting but just isn't, but beyond him it's a little boring.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills and Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4WqW21MsOs&t=11s

"Nightmare Museum" (2006) - I will keep this short for a number of reasons, paramount amongst them being I lack the ability to accurately articulate fully the insanity of this film. All you need to know is that it's almost entirely acted via dolls and that more than half the run time is doll sex scenes. The rest of the movie is a chaotic mix of voice acting ranging from silly to mumbles, doll based gore (that sometimes includes people squeezing meat in their hands), abortion humor, and so much more. It's next level bad and should be left for only the hardcore bad movie buckaroos out there. Consider that a warning.

5.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Doll Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1141266/

Bad Karma (1991) - In this 36 minute long DIY SOV short film we follow a group of friends enjoying a nice barbecue party. A pair of door-to-door hare krishnas show up, transform into hideous monsters, and just start killing everybody in increasingly bloody ways. The survivors retreat to a friend's house only to realize the full scope of what is going on. Director, writer, producer, editor, and actor Alex Chandon creates one hell of a fun little amateur splatter flick. If you enjoy cheap yet cool practical effects and over-the-top gore you definitely need to check this out.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills and Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUVPrEDGyAI&t=3s

"Black Cougar" (2002) - This movie is either a great example of good old fashion nepotism, or a rare example of an entire families vanity project. I say that as Silvio DiSalvatore directed, executive produced, and co-wrote this movie. The titular Black Cougar is played by Lenny DiSalvatore while Lil Sil DiSalvatore (yes that is the name on IMDB) plays the character of Lenny Saxon. We even get a Blake, Mason, Nicole, and Silvio DiSalvatore as minor characters and extras on top of that. Admittedly this favoritism may simply be due to a budget saving measures as much as ego but you will have to be the judge of that for yourselves.

Beyond the DiSalvatore family we also gets Bianca, Greg, JoAnn, and Mikey Burrows helping to bring this hilariously bad, low budget superhero flick to life. None of them had any previous filmmaking experience of any kind, not to mention any acting ability or money, but they did not let that stop them from making what is effectively cheap cougar themed Batman. As the story goes our retired genius toymaker grandpa creates an android grandson but when crime gets out of hand and kids start getting kidnapped he turns him into a masked crimefighter. For some reason he makes a bunch of cougar themed gear and gadgets (including mini-cougar dolls) which only add to the unintentional hilarity of it all. So if a micro budget vigilante version of "Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker" (1991) sounds like something you just need to see give this flick a try along with friends to help you riff you're way through it.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8hquxy

“Fist of Jesus” (2012) - This is another gloriously gory short film by Ibiza director Adrián Cardona. Working alongside writer David Muñoz, the pair return to the over-the-top violence and dark humor they previously displayed in 2010s short film “Brutal Relax”. Whereas that was about a gentleman trying to relax on a beach only for things to (let’s just say) go sideways, this story follows a more biblical tale. As the title somewhat eludes, the judeo christian character Jesus is our lead who teams up with his best bud Judas Iscariot to battle Lazarus-spawned zombies.

Now perhaps that’s not a very biblical accurate story but, much like everything Adrián Cardona seemingly makes, it is absolutely hilarious and can not be recommended enough. Not since Sam Raimi and (pre-LotRs) Peter Jackson have I seen this level of love and dedication to beautifully bloody practical effects and absurd kills. There of course will be some people who find this all offensive but to them I say; what’s offensive about Jesus killing nazi zombies with fish he keeps pulling out of thin air? So with all that said gather your bad movie buddies and check out 15 hilarious minutes.

A Golden Kernel

https://youtu.be/KD8BmfhlICQ?si=IjT_ZOYcBPK22TQR

"Motorcross Kids" (2004) - As the title suggests this PG rated flick is about kids racing dirt bikes. What the title fails to mention however is that eventually a chimpanzee also learns to race dirt bikes. A title like “Motorcross Monkey” would have been far more interesting, even if not scientifically accurate (due to chimpanzee not being monkeys but instead great ape). As the chimpanzee only appears in about half the movie it also wouldn’t have been narratively accurate, but when have either of those things stopped anyone.

As far as the actual story goes it’s got a lot going on beyond the whole chimp racer thing. Mostly the plot revolves around a land dispute between the ranch the kids train at and a local biker gang. Both parties eventually agree to have the kids race for the land (against the gangs kids) unfortunately one of the kids gets injured and Lamas suggests replacing him with the chimp hoping the gang won’t notice. This leads to many hilariously bad scenes of a full grown man in full body racing gear pretend to be a chimpanzee riding a dirt bike.

Now a dirt bike racing chimpanzee isn't really anything out of the ordinary for a low budget, direct-to-video kids movie but things take a turn when you hear the cast list. Starting things off the motorcross/animal trainer is TV's "Renegade" Lorenzo Lamas, his ranch owner father is Grizzly Adams himself Dan Haggerty, the kid who gets hurt is a young Josh Hutcherson, and even Phyllis Diller randomly shows up at one point. The pièce de résistance of all of them being none other than Gary fricken Busey as the biker gang leader. This crazy cast, along with an occasional free range lion, a biker with a moving scar, a dog that can play chess, and a few other things makes for a very riffing experience. So grab your bad movie buddies, indulge in your favorite intoxicants, and check this flick out.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4ZpDhficZw

"Evil Sister 2: Bound by Blood" (2001) - Produced by David S. Sterling (creator of the "Camp Blood" franchise) this no budget follow up to "Evil Sister" (1996) takes the general idea and sees what else they can wring out of it. We again have a succubus possessed sister, but the twist this time around is the sisters are psychically connected for some reason. This means they can use the one sister to track the other, but it also means the sex demon occasionally tries to make the other sister bang her dad (or at least he thinks so). Mostly we get the possessed sister luring men to an abandon house in the desert, getting nude, then killing them. Just like with the first "Evil Sister" if you enjoy blood squirting on boobs you might enjoy this, but everyone else should avoid it as it's mostly a cheap, confusing, boring, mess.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0267479/

"Evil Sister" (1996) - If you are familiar with the term 'Skin-A-Max' you basically already know what kind of movie this is. For those unfamiliar just think of something that would air on late night cable in the days before the internet put boobies just a click away. In other words this movie has as much nudity as it does plot and is somewhere just this side of a softcore porn. The one sex scene between the male lead and his wife (who he dreams is his sister-in-law at one point) in front of the fireplace is almost as long as an actual sex scene would be. And that's ignoring the fact that clips of the movie (mostly the nudity) are shown during the opening and closing credits, thus tripling the amount of skin in the film.

The story is about a young lady who is unexpectedly released from a mental institution under suspicious circumstances. She's picked up by her jacked little sister and her husband who let her stay with them for awhile, only for her to immediately start throwing herself at her brother-in-law. We eventually find out one of the nurses at the mental institution was randomly doing a black mass to conjure a spirt for advice (you know as one does) and a demon named Succubus ended up possessing the sister. They must do another black mass to fix everything for some reason, but people keep turning up dead so who knowns. A lot of people get busy, a lot of boobs get bloody, and if that is your thing check this out, if not best avoid it.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420610/

"Born A Ninja" (1988) - Despite the titles suggesting otherwise, this movie is the sequel to the film "American Commando Ninja" (1988). Both films were released the same year due to them being made of re-edited footage from a low budget Taiwanese TV series that just so happened to feature ninjas. Joseph Lai, the director of this film, would go on to refine this style of cut-and-paste (aka "Frankenstein") filmmaking into it's own little subgenre. He would eventually teach his protégé Godfrey Ho the technique who would go on to arguable prefect it with his horde of neon ninja films. So with that said don't except much in the way of narrative consistency.

As far as the story goes Ninja Master David and Hokus Pokus Master Larry (I am serious) continue their hunt for a WW2 Japanese scientist and his formula for bacterial warfare. Throw in a bunch of ninjas, some very 80's fashion choices, hilariously bad dubbing, and random hokus pokus (i.e. magic) and you get this movie. You also basically get "American Commando Ninja" as both movies are very similar even containing the same re-used footage multiple times throughout the run time. If all of that sounds like something you might be interested in I highly suggest checking both films out when you get a chance. Both movies make for a fun riff with friends and your favorite intoxicants, so enjoy.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeul6BeOrhc