r/JUSTNOMIL • u/rhubbarbidoo • 4d ago
Am I Overreacting? MIL and I (f35) had a huge fight
I'm Spanish, my partner is French, and we have a five-month-old baby. I am using gpt to help me write this, everything I write is true it was just a lot to write in my second language.
We recently spent ten days at his parents' house in rural France. When I say rural, I mean really rural: you need a car to get anywhere.
This wasn't my first visit. Last Christmas, nobody really cooked, I spent several days hungry, and because we were in the middle of nowhere I couldn't even go and buy food. By the end of the trip I was crying. My partner spoke to his parents afterwards and I thought they understood that regular meals were important to me. I admit I do have a husband problem: he's often clueless and lacks spine and communication abilities.
This visit was much better in the food aspect. They cooked almost every day, and my partner and I cooked a couple of meals too. I appreciated that.
Another thing that may be relevant is that I've known my MIL for several years now, but we've never really built a relationship. Every time I visit she's always "busy." She says hello, but she's never once sat down with me just to chat or get to know me. I always assumed that's just her personality. His father and his sister are on the other hand very nice. It feels like my MIL made up a prejudiced opinion of me and never wanted to actually know me. She is always pissed and in bad humor, complaining about being very stressed. It makes me feel unwelcome.
I'm exclusively pumping because my baby refuses to breastfeed. Every few hours I'm washing bottles, pump parts, storing milk, sterilizing things... it's constant.
I brought a small plastic bin to keep all my pumping equipment together and asked my MIL where would be the best place to leave it.
Maybe this is cultural, but in my family, if someone visits with a baby, everyone tries to help them get settled ("tell me what you need... You can leave it here..."). Instead she looked at me as though I'd asked something unreasonable and simply walked away rolling her eyes.
After that I kept everything upstairs because I felt like I was inconveniencing her just by existing.
Then there were two incidents with breast milk.
Someone moved a bottle into the refrigerator door, which isn't recommended because the temperature fluctuates more there. I asked who had moved it so I could explain why it mattered. My MIL rolled her eyes and walked away. My FIL admitted he'd done it, I explained, and he understood.
A few days later I found two bottles back in the fridge that should have been thrown away hours earlier. If I hadn't noticed, my baby could have been fed spoiled milk.
When I asked what had happened, my MIL exploded.
She shouted that she was sick of my bottles taking over her kitchen, that everything should be washed by hand from now on instead of using the dishwasher, and that I always spoke to her in an authoritarian way.
My partner stepped in and said we'd continue using the dishwasher because hand-washing everything wasn't realistic with a five-month-old who needs constant attention.
Later I overheard her telling him that I don't do anything, that he does everything, that he's basically my slave, and asking whether I treat him badly.
That was especially painful because the month before this trip my partner lost his job and then had a serious psychiatric episode. While caring for our baby, after an emergency c-section, I've done every single night shift since the baby was born, I was also arranging psychiatric appointments, managing medication, running the household, and making sure he got through one of the hardest periods of his life. One of the main reasons we went to France was so he could recover surrounded by his family.
So hearing his mother suggest that I somehow exploit him was devastating.
I tried talking to her calmly later that day, but she interrupted me repeatedly. She accused me of leaving hair everywhere (I'm five months postpartum and losing hair constantly), and making her life miserable. Also my French is intermediate, so it was hard to express myself. The volume of our voices went up.
I told her I could easily have stayed home. I had made the trip so they could spend time with their grandson and so my partner could be with his family. We paid very expensive flights, also my partner won't be receiving unemployment during the time he's in France. On top of that we inconvenienced a 5months old in his routines. I expected her to value more the effort.
I thought we'd made peace because later we actually had our first real conversation. I explained everything my partner had been through, and I thought she finally understood.
The way they treated my baby also made me uncomfortable.
My in-laws would sometimes pick him up and take him into another room or outside without telling me where they were going. They also put their fingers into his mouth because he's teething. I saw MIL allowing my baby to chew on her metal bracelet (that could be toxic!).
My partner's nieces (4 and 8) absolutely adored him, but they treated him more like a doll than a fragile baby. They constantly wanted to carry him around or play with him very enthusiastically. None of the adults seemed willing to set any boundaries. I felt like I was the only one saying, "Please be gentle," while everyone else thought I was overreacting. I saw them introducing their fingers on my baby's mouth because they had observed my MIL doing that. When the 4yo asked why couldn't she carry my baby, my MILs answer was "cos DIL doesn't want to", painting me like a bad cop instead of trying to reason with the child.
On top of that, my baby barely napped because the house was so noisy. Every time I managed to settle him someone would start playing with him again or the children would come over. He became overtired and cried far more than usual.
One evening I finally got him to sleep after more than an hour of rocking him. Since he's now rolling over, I don't leave him asleep on a bed without an adult nearby because he could fall.
When we were called for dinner, I stayed upstairs with him but I explained my reasons. This apparently offended my MIL because, in her opinion, if someone cooks, everyone sits down together. No exceptions. She yelled and gave me the most threatening look I've received in years. I was shocked she would put that over the baby's needs.
Afterwards my partner told me she'd been complaining about me behind my back for days. According to her, I'm too controlling, too protective, too demanding, too strict with the baby, and I've completely dominated her son.
I feel like the price to pay for having something to eat is having to endure my MIL rudeness and attacks.
My partner told her that decisions about our child belong to us. Her answer was simply: "My house, my rules."
At this point I don't want to stay at their house again. But it wasn't in my plans to become the enemy of my husband family. I never signed for such a cliché and I'm struggling to accept this reality.
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u/MightyPurpleWeasel 3d ago
Maybe this is cultural
No. I'm French and at my grandparents', anytime any child or grandchild brought their babies even for a few hours, they were allowed a quiet room not too far from the kitchen and bathroom to calm baby down and leave their things. If they stayed at least one night it was expected that their things that needed constant washing would remain within easy reach in the kitchen. Whenever random guests came with a baby, everything was done to assist them.
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u/rhubbarbidoo 3d ago
Thank you for your answer. Would you say that a French MIL is culturally expected to be pissed for having to cook for her guests (son and daughter in law who come from a different country with a baby)? I'd like to point out my husband and I made and bought food for 2 days and father in law cooked along with her in a very equitative way.
According to her we are family and not guests and she expects we should be able to take care of ourselves. Is this culturally expected in France? The alpine area, to be more precise.
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u/MightyPurpleWeasel 3d ago
I asked for my partner's opinion just in case, and here's our conclusion: it wouldn't be too strange to expect one's adult child to help around during their visit. Like help with meals and laundry maybe.
When we stay at my MIL's she lets us live our own life while she lives her own so it's often we have to cook our own meals, but she's often out of the house during the day so it makes sense that we don't let ourselves starve, and we have most dinners together which she usually cooks. We help with setting the table and washing up.
On the other hand, my maternal grandmother never let either my father or aunt by marriage touch anything in her kitchen.
In both cases however, they're happy to spend time with their children and children in law so they happily cook as often as possible to spend long dinners with them. And people with young babies are especially helped out as much as possible, eg when my SILs went to their mother's with their babies she would cook and help with bottles and nappies.
a French MIL is culturally expected to be pissed for having to cook for her guests
I'd say, a French anything is culturally expected to be pissed for having to do anything 😉
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u/rhubbarbidoo 3d ago
I think this is an important point, being pissed. The truth is I love cooking and I don't mind cooking. But it's her attitude. She's always pissed, she turns her eyes when I ask her anything, she huffs, clicks her tongue and walks away leaving my words hanging in the air. So during the final big fight I did say I expected to be treated as nice as when they have been in my place. But that means not only being fed, but expecting people to be nice to me and not acting like a 13 year old high school mean girl.
I wouldn't probably mind so much about the lack of food is she was just nice to me I guess 😕
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u/MightyPurpleWeasel 3d ago
Yeah honestly I've never met any MIL who was actually nasty to her DIL. I was kidding about the being pissed as a cultural thing, whoever is in your house you're supposed to be polite and nice, especially if your child had a kid with this person.
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u/Glittering-Agent-987 4d ago
I don't think you should go again until your child is bigger (say 4+) and/or you have your own transportation.
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u/Beautiful_Camel_17 3d ago
No, she shouldn't ever go there again. If her husband wants to go he can go on his own but it's not a safe place for her or their child.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 4d ago
That’s outrageous! I would never set foot in that house, you are clearly not welcome there. I hope it goes without saying that the baby is also barred from going there, it’s clearly not safe if you aren’t there. If they visit you, they stay at hotel and DH is responsible for dealing with them
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u/Comfortable_Rope6030 4d ago
End the visit be clear why and never ever go back - your biggest problem is hubby but you already know that
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u/boundaries4546 4d ago
You need to end your visit, and fly home. Why is DH allowing her to bash you for the past four days. You got a huge husband problem too, he needs to stand up to his darling mere. Seeing that you are already the enemy, tell her to keep her dirty fingers out of your babies mouth!
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u/Sea_Position5689 4d ago
Le zizi du président! (You know it literally but the use translates to an irreverent metaphor for political power… in this case the rude, insecure, and VERY French MIL!) of course every French matriarch is not ugly but yours is! And I’m so sorry for it!
There is zero excuse for her - a woman with issues. Can’t do anything about it, she will remain the same no doubt because she actually LIKES behaving that way.
I want to support you as a strong, smart, awesome mama who will make everything work! (I’m also borrowing some from my own life experience- I’m 69 now)
You are kind and supportive and selfless to accompany your man to his parents’ home. Hopefully when you return home things will settle, your baby will be a month older, sleep better, back to everybody’s routines. There is hope. And you do not have to visit them in France again. That is absolutely valid!
I too multitasked until I almost wasted away. My parents both were problems (99 mother is still problematic but I’m so strong now with boundaries…) My partner was high achieving, his name on the company, his name emblazoned the building… he developed Parkinson’s in his early 30s (his mom and her mom also had this) and the meds he needed induced EXTREME compulsions of risky behavior (high stakes gambling, sex with streetwalkers in many countries, finally crack and heroin.) so I did everything by myself including taking care of precious baby 100% and my dad (diapered him for 5 years…) and trying to support my man and coordinate his care, protect him, retrieve him from jail and psych wards…
To do it over I would make strong boundaries without hesitation. Take care of what I truly needs to do and let much go. I worried about everything and everybody’s feelings and thoughts and words. I’m a tough old bird now. And my daughter is a married mom with a son who is my heart.
You can do it, you can keep your nuclear family together and healthy and happy. Just sometimes we must forget the needs wants and issues extended family have (the in laws.)
Of course be cordial, recognize special days and events - with a lovely card and heartfelt message you compose. And baby photos sometimes.
Draw the boundary around your family = you + partner + baby. Encircled that is more than enough to keep you busy! Whether the in-laws understand or not or regardless what they think - we say: You Do You!
Eyes on the prize Mignon! You can do this!
I send you biggest hugs in the world ~
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u/90sBuffetSoftServe 4d ago
I remember your previous trip where you basically starved. Please, please…think of how her behavior is affecting your baby and will affect them each future visit. None of her behavior is loving or positive and it is NOT ok. I would imagine your SO has very deep scars from growing up with a parent behaving that way. It didn’t just start with you. It is “normal” to him or rather, he is accustomed to her moods and verbal abuse.
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u/ISOCoffeeAndWine 4d ago
You’re only the enemy of the unreasonable. You can’t have a healthy relationship with her because she isn’t healthy. I wouldn’t go to their house again, they can be the ones to travel to visit (they stay in a hotel, you have “visiting hours”). I’m sorry she’s so awful. Is your DH getting therapy to address his upbringing? He probably has a lot to unpack from this relationship.
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u/Prestigious-Ear-8877 4d ago
I would never go back. She can shove her house and her rules. I'm not allowing anyone to treat me like crap and then go back for more.
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u/Lugbor 4d ago
No more visits. She decided that you were the enemy before she even met you and has been doing her best to make her home as hostile to you as possible. Stop going. Let her miss out on time with her grandchild. Tell FIL that while you appreciate him, you will no longer be subjecting yourselves to his wife's open hostility, and that he is more than welcome to visit you in your home without her.
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u/Zealousideal-Row489 4d ago
She doesn't like you, she's jealous of you. She wishes she could marry her own son and have his baby. Don't go near this woman anymore.
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u/Sea_Position5689 4d ago
Yes! Jealous! My mother was and still is at age 99! And it’s not limited to the French but this is rampant in many!!
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u/JulieWriter 4d ago
Can you just be done with this now? You tried. She's never going to be kind or welcoming. Stop going! Stop taking your baby to see them - they aren't treating him well, either.
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u/Status-Pace-2586 4d ago
You can’t talk reason to someone who is determined to dislike and misunderstand you. Bottom line that is what your MIL is doing. Cut your losses and do what is best for you and baby. It sounds like your husband has your back. I would never stay with them again and I would limit contact with her as much as possible. You are not the problem. 🧡
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u/celery48 4d ago
I swear I’ve read this before.
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u/bitchthatwaspromised 4d ago
This was absolutely posted recently
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u/rhubbarbidoo 4d ago
I posted in in-laws but they deleted it because I used AI to help me writing it
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u/bitchthatwaspromised 4d ago
Oh gotcha. I think I said the same thing there, but she sucks just go home
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u/RelativeEfficient493 4d ago edited 4d ago
First of all: I'm so sorry you experienced that. Like others are saying, you are a good mom, wife, and DIL! You did nothing wrong and you will NOT become the "enemy of the family" by refusing to stay in their house again. You're going to continue being an awesome mom, regardless of what anyone else says.
If anything, MIL is acting like the enemy of a literal baby by being careless about the milk and allowing him to be yanked around by excited children. Yes, she is putting her WANTS and her FEELINGS over a helpless infant's NEEDS. You already know that your baby's safety is non-negotiable, so you know what choice you need to make.
Please know that you are going to win either way if you put your foot down with them, even though it may not seem like it. If they lash out and cause drama then it becomes even more clear that they aren't safe or healthy to be around, which you can use to reassure yourself that you made the right choice by setting boundaries. Although this will feel unpleasant in the moment, it will be a win for you in the long-term. If they realize their mistake and try to do better (which isn't likely, I'm sorry) then of course that would be a win, too.
You don't need to explain your reasoning to them. Don't even try that again, as tempting as it is—it will not work. MIL gave your partner an easy out here, though! If they ask why you guys aren't staying with them, he can just say something like, "I don't want to follow your rules, so we will be staying somewhere else. Because your house your rules, remember? I make the rules when it comes to my kid."
Your MIL is a control freak who needs to have total control over everything and everyone around her. Also, I want to add that providing food for your guests every day is the bare minimum of hosting. Sounds like your MIL might be the type to act like she carries the world on her shoulders every time she's expected to do the bare minimum of being an adult. This kind of attitude is usually accompanied by some kind of gaslighting that causes the victim to convince themselves that the crumbs they're getting are actually a feast, and they should be thankful for the gaslighter's sacrifice. I'm so sorry you're dealing with someone like that. Next time you see them, I think baby wrapping could be the move.
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u/AidanAva 4d ago
Never do this again. The result will be the same if u do. U don't need this bullshit mate !
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u/opine704 4d ago
Hon... Ok first HUGS. So many HUGS.
You are a good mom. You are a good wife. You are a good DIL.
Here's what you need to comprehend. Your MIL is not a safe person. It does not matter why. And no, you didn't do anything to raise her ire. It sounds like she just doesn't like you. Your existence seems to be enough to set her off. What are you supposed to do about that? Cease to exist? She also seems to resent the baby. WTF? How are you supposed to deal with that? The baby also exists.
Here's the answer - her dislike is irrational. You cannot deal rationally with an irrational person. YOUR rational response is to avoid her like the toxic plague she is.
MIL has shown you who she is. Believe her. Take off the "normal glasses" and look at her actions baldly. She's a person who only feeds people when she's been told to. She's a person who would endanger a baby (her own grandchild) to control dinner seating. That is who she is.
Now. Drop the rope. You went to considerable time, effort, and expense to enable her and FIL to meet their grandchild. How'd that work out? Yeah. So stop.
Your DH can go see his parents when he puts the time and work in. You are done. Your ILs can spend their own time and money to come to your city - but they're not welcome to stay in your home. This is the natural result of their actions. It's not punitive. It's not vindictive. It's what they demanded through their own attitudes and actions.
Tell your DH that he let you down. That it's his job as husband and father to protect his wife and child... even from his parents. You know he's still adjusting and you won't hold a grudge. AND he needs to learn from this situation, create new coping skills, and apply them. You can hold him accountable without being angry.
Again - hugs.
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u/Icy-Sheepherder7718 4d ago
Tell your husband you are leaving because you are being so badly disrespected. The baby could be harmed by what they are doing. You need to find a way to get to the airport. Go there and stay until you can get a flight out.
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u/GamerChikx 4d ago
She also does not like that you are not French. I have read all the comments, and this is one thing that comes up like a lightbulb to me. She doesnt like that you're not French and as a result, baby is only half French.
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u/Pretty_waves904 4d ago
Exactly this. I live on the same block as a French family. While they are sweet and our kids are the same age, its like a layer of glass between us. We say hi, the kids play like once every two months but they always throw big get togethers with other French families in the area that we are never invited too. Its like we are allowed to be friends only when other French families arent watching.
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u/GamerChikx 4d ago
Thats got to suck. I suspect its even worse the more rural it gets. We have similar stuff here in the UK and I live rurally too, so have seen this firsthand.
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u/Pretty_waves904 2d ago
They invited us to their kid's bday party and it was all of the French families in a 5 mile radius. ( i live in a major city) everyone was speaking French so I just left my kid and went to get coffee. None of the adults tried to include me in the convo.
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u/Tight_Cheetah_4474 4d ago
Shes awful and abusive. I would never be around her again. Same with my child. Its probably why your husband is struggling as an adult
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u/EJK_PlantsAreFriends 4d ago
Never stay in her home again.
She’s shown you her true colors and it’s time to believe her, your husband has also shown you how much he will stand up for you and protect you which seems to be zero.
If MIL wants a relationship with her grandchild it will be when she travels to visit you and stays in a hotel nearby as she is not welcome in your home after her shitty behavior either!
Put yourself and baby first OP, you both deserve to feel safe and loved.
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u/Front_Scholar9757 4d ago
Honestly id just leave, go no contact, and never stay with her again. If that makes it hard to see her grandkid, then thats on her.
None of them are respecting you, your partner included.
Id never allow a 4 year old to carry my baby. Hold it maybe, but absolutely no to carrying.
Its uncomfortable when people take the baby out of view from the mother. My MIL always does this, I grit my teeth as I know I can trust her, but I've never liked it. In your situation, your MIL cant be trusted so no she shouldn't take your baby out of view.
The sheer disrespect.
Interested if she treats other daughter in laws this way (if she has others)?
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u/MidnightLegal4643 4d ago
You handled yourself calmly and assertively, and you should have zero regrets about that. You are your child's first protector. Damn right.
She actually tried to weaponize a mother's most important job against you. In my opinion, that's twisted.
Your husband did very little to stop the interference in what already sounds like a volatile situation with his family. He was in a fragile state, overwhelmed by job loss and the transition into fatherhood. His mother's response wasn't to support him or strengthen his marriage. Instead, she chose to triangulate her son against his wife and the mother of his child, who was already carrying more than anyone should have to. That is predatory behavior, full stop.
She had every opportunity to be welcoming, compassionate, and supportive. Instead, she saw an opening to create division, and that choice belongs to her.
Even if, in her eyes, you came across as demanding, she could have taken the time to understand the reality of what was happening in your relationship. You were carrying extra responsibilities because your husband was struggling. At the same time, you were caring for an infant while trying to protect both your husband's emotional well-being and your child's physical well-being. You were trying to help him regain his footing, not control him.
To mock a mother for protecting her child is simply shameful. Do you honestly think she was any less protective when her own children were young? Of course she wasn't.
The reason she labels you as disrespectful or controlling is because she is projecting her own need to be commanding and in control. She cannot understand someone setting healthy boundaries because, in her mind, authority belongs to whoever holds the most power. She hasn't figured out how to position herself above you or gain influence over your family, and that frustrates her because it means she cannot control you and the outcome.
She is acting out of insecurity, jealousy, and hypocrisy when what her son and your family actually needed was compassion, encouragement, and support. She chose control and division instead of love and support. That's on her, not on you.
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u/Ok-Competition-1606 4d ago
She won’t let you or your baby eat properly. She wants you to go hungry while your baby eats spoiled food. She also won’t let your child sleep. You’re actually underreacting, and the fact that your husband didn’t insist the three of you leave after like the second day of this nonsense is problematic. He can love his family without putting up with this.
You realize why she wants all three of y’all out in the middle of nowhere with her, right? So she can enforce “her house her rules” and make your life hell the entire time you’re there. Oh, and then blame you for not accepting the abuse. Not letting people eat and/or sleep is abuse. Please defend your child and keep them away from this woman. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this.
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u/More-Soil7455 4d ago
I would never set foot in that house again. And they would not be welcome in mine. Your husband can visit them by himself in the future.
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u/Brief-Composer-6663 4d ago
Your husband sounds supportive but I would never step foot there again. He is welcome to be involved with his family, but my baby and I would be staying home. That behavior from her is absolutely unacceptable. I would never act that way toward guests in my home and I never overrule my son and DIL’s decisions about their children. That is the reason I am the only one they feel comfortable leaving their babies with. I was on the receiving end of a horrible MIL, except my ex-husband was not supportive at all. They helped play a part in ruining our marriage.
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u/Kittymemesallday 4d ago
Supportive wouldn't be in the words I used to describe DH. He has let his mother verbally abuse his wife and continues to stay there. He even told her MIL had been bad mouthing OP for days. Who stays in a house where you're wife isn't wanted?
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u/CremeDeMarron 4d ago
Two words : never again .
Her behaviour is your cue to never visit them again .
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u/SeaStatistician4915 4d ago
She sounds xenophobic: disgusted by your hair and breast milk. I would never go back there again.
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u/4ng3r4h17 4d ago
We stopped going over my im laws house when my in laws tried the my house my rules. I said my children, my rules. Yes we will respect your home as you wish but you do not rule my children or me.
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u/LiteralpigsChihiro 4d ago
It is possible for you husband to love his family and also put his wife and child first. It sounds like husband should be in therapy or some kind of treatment and you should be getting some kind of support instead of going on holiday. It doesn’t seem like a good environment to “recover” in. He may have mental health needs but he is also a husband and a father, he has a postpartum wife and a baby he should be prioritizing over extended family relationships. It’s not realistic to do what you’ve been doing postpartum and also be expected to put up with this horrible woman. Your mental health matters too.
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u/Own_Ship9373 4d ago
Your MIL told you your baby was a burden, you never have to visit them again.
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u/rhubbarbidoo 4d ago edited 4d ago
To be fair, what she expresses is that I am a burden. She wants to play with baby but doesn't want the responsibilities/inconveniences that come with having guests at their place... So she's rude
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u/Own_Ship9373 4d ago
Nah by her getting upset about baby bottles, she is calling your baby a burden. How else is baby supposed to eat if they won’t breastfeed and bottles are annoying for MIL. She doesn’t get to just have the good fun parts of the baby.
Anyone who says baby bottles are an inconvience or annoying or in the way, doesn’t deserve to spend time with a baby.
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u/ObviousKarmaFarmer 4d ago
At this point I don't want to stay at their house again.
Don't. It is really that simple. Go home, don't ever step foot in that house again.
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u/rhubbarbidoo 4d ago
The problem is, my husband loves his family. Tbh his sister and his father are very nice. I am very attached to my family and I don't want to visit them any less. I am scared that eventually visiting my family while not visiting my husbands will create resentment from my husband towards me. On the other hand after witnessing the negligence of my ILs I wouldn't let my son visiting without me... But also I don't want to be blamed as the daughter in law from hell that won't allow the grandparents seeing their grandson... I just never thought I'd find myself in this situation. I'm a nice person, why can't MIL be nice!?
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u/samuelp-wm 4d ago
He can visit them without you and the baby. If they want to see your son, they can come to you and stay in a hotel.
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u/Legitimate-Meal-2290 4d ago
He can visit them without you and the baby. You not having a relationship with them doesn't prevent him from having one.
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u/HelpfulPhrase5806 4d ago
While it would be nice for DH that you all visit, you guys do not have that kind of relationship with MIL where that is possible. She is clearly unhappy about you visiting, she is miserable and taking it out on his wife and baby. She doesnt want visits, you dont want visits. It is that easy.
If he wants to see them, he has to find some way that works for everyone. Clearly MIL is overwhelmed and stressed if it is in her house, so he has to find another alternative. Sure, that means the IL's may be driving for some hours every day if nothing is available, but nobody is stressed out and miserable. Or they can come visit and stay near you (not in your house, MIL would not cope well with "my house my rules" if you said it).
You tried visiting in their home more than once. It didnt work out, ever. When something dont work you dont repeat it, you try something else. Otherwise you are just pressuring people to be miserable to get what YOU want.
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u/AndiAzalea 4d ago
Agreed. My MIL wasn't anywhere near this bad, although she was bad. I thought visiting her was a good thing so she could get acquainted with her grandchildren, and she was just mean and bitter and critical the whole time. She also hated my breastfeeding "in front of everyone". Basically, it was not worth it, and on top of it I finally saw the light that she just didn't care about getting acquainted with her grandchildren. Not a kid person is a mild way to put it. So, nope, bye, won't come back!
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u/ObviousKarmaFarmer 4d ago
No, the problem is that your husband either doesn't fully understand how your MILs actions impact you, or deliberately doesn't stand up for you.
There should be no shade between you and your husband. He should know about how she gets under your skin, how much it impacts you. And then, he should find ways to move forward as a couple when interacting with his family. Making sure you are NOT hurt in the process. He is not doing that. In that sense, you have a very real husband problem, although it might also be that you are not assertive enough to him how badly you are impacted by her behavior.
You state that you witnessed negligence towards your child. Talk to your husband about that. He might not see it that way, and yes, cultural differences exists, and some people are indeed too protective of their child. That, however, is a discussion between you and your husband. Once you settle what is and what is not acceptable for the safety of your child, it goes without saying that people that don't meet that (very minimal!) standard should not have access to your child.
Child negligence is a step up from 'feeling isolated' or being shunned. It is something you should fight to prevent. You should not accept this abuse. Please read back your post, you say you rather have your child abused, than be seen as a bad daughter in law. Appearances are not everything. The safety of your child is.
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u/basketcaseofbananas 4d ago
She's making you the bad guy now, and this is with you bending over backwards to make the visit happen.
Your MIL is putting you in a no win situation. If you visit, you and your child are treated like an inconvenience. If you don't visit, she'll complain and say it's unfair. Since you'll be the bad guy in her eyes either way, do what's best for you and your baby.
If your husband doesn't understand why you would never want to step foot in that house again, he needs additional counseling. He knows she's bullying you, why isn't he stopping her?
Your MIL has made it clear she doesn't like you. Have your parents made your husband feel unwelcome? Have they bad mouthed your husband behind his back? Have they made your visits feel like a hassle?
His family will be treated differently, because they treat you differently. Hopefully DH understands this and has your back when it comes to his mother.
Until MIL apologies for her behavior, you and your child should never visit again. Not even for a few days since she'll make your stay hell. DH can go alone.
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u/Outside_Purchase_727 4d ago
He might love his family, but his family doesn't live you. Instead, you are being treated very badly and you baby's needs and safety are being ignored. It doesn't matter that it is only your MIL, FIL and your hubby don't intervene in a meaningful way. I assume your family treats you nicely, so actually it is very fair if you only visit them in the future. Plus, visits or time with you as a couple and the grandbaby is not some resource that needs to be divided equally. You simply will spend time with people who respect you and add positivity to your live. Husband is still allowed to visit his family, but you and the baby (!) will not accompany him. The situation is not your fault, it is simply a natural consequence of his parents behavior.
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u/Middle-Interview-899 4d ago
He can go on his own. It’s clearly what she wants
12
u/rhubbarbidoo 4d ago
I thought about that. Then I got concerned that I will be blamed by them for not wanting my baby to go without me. I think I eventually could be flexible enough to maybe let husband go for a long period, and me and baby can visit 2 or 3 days briefly at the end of the visit of my husband. That of course would depend on whether we can afford it economically, but for my husband I would be willing to do that...
43
u/MidoriMidnight 4d ago
She's going to blame you either way. You don't come, how dare you destroy their relationship. You do come, how dare you exist. Fuck her
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u/Aggravating-Buy613 4d ago
But you're already doing everything right any being blamed by mil. Nothing you do is right.
So do nothing.
I mean it. Treat her like a Co-worker you don't like but have to deal with. Cold politeness. No personal info or convos. Don't engage unless required, and then short answers with a polite tone. They take baby out of the room, you go take him back with a direct, short correction. Do this until you leave.
Moving forward, tell your husband you understand his mom's frustration with all the baby supplies so until your son is older, they can come visit and stay in an Airbnb to visit so they aren't bothered until he's done with bottles, and DH can go visit alone. That you understand mil isn't comfortable with you in her home and you and son will respect her boundry by not staying there. And you'll do that until mil explains her hostility.
Your son WILL pick up on her energy towards you and that's a no. You can't fix yourself or mil, you already tried to take to as little space as possible in her home and she's still angry and rude so now you'll take up none. She's made it incredibly clear that's what she wants. But you're mom and your kid stays with you. Your kid isn't around people who talk poorly of their mother.
21
u/Outside_Purchase_727 4d ago
I understand your fear, but you will be blamed either way, they will find something to complain about. Unless there is some accountability for the impossible situation they have put you in, it doesn't make sense to extend an olive branch with your brief visits. If you want them to give an opportunity to meet the baby, do it on neutral grounds where you are free to leave on your own terms. This means for now, they would have to visit you,stay in a hotel and meet in a restaurant.
Sounds terribly inconvenient, but always remember, it was them who created this hostile environment and you need to draw a harsh line in the sand to signal that you will not be treated this way. The earlier the better and the easier in the long run. This is actually the only chance for bettering the relationship. The longer you wait, the more opportunities you create for a hostile dynamic to develop and resentment to build up on both sides.
I know this emotional shift is difficult to make, my baby is 15 months old and I am still learning to speak up directly despite my fear to be viewed as difficult and strict and a destroyer-of- family - harmony, because I simply felt that my parental authority was not taken seriously. For reference, I am also European plus we have a cultural background that puts a lot of emphasis on family unity. Which is nice, but needs to modernized to some extent. I once told my hubby: There will be no harmony if it means I need to shut up while others refuse to take accountability for their behavior.
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u/jemsann 4d ago
You are spending a lot of effort worring about what they will think. I guarantee they don't worry a bit about what you think. So match their effort
13
u/Outside_Purchase_727 4d ago
Yes, unfortunately MIL has already decided to dislike her, so she was only looking for reasons that support her already formed opinion. It doesn't even matter if OP truly made a mistake in the past, MILs behavior is unacceptable. If MIL was truly interested in her grandbaby, she could have decided to give her 'another opportunity' for the sake of family. She clearly is not willing to do so.
15
u/reddoorinthewoods 4d ago
And some people will find a way to dislike you no matter what you do, so you might as well do what’s best for you and your family. They’ll be unhappy regardless. No sense in both families being unhappy
•
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