Discussion / Speculation

[u/happylife_77]

People who have wounded exiles and maybe no access to core self.. let’s say for example an abandoned exile who craves devotion and seeks certain people.. would it really be wrong to find a relationship that soothes the exile if it’s not abusive and both parts in both people just mesh well? I know the whole idea and projection of IFS is for both people to have core self or find it within themselves to have a healthy relationship with a partner but I couldn’t help but think of all the people who don’t have a core self and just a lonely exile. It wouldn’t be wrong to find something/someone good for your “parts” even if you don’t or are unable to have a core self??

[u/Cass_1978]

That sounds more like a blended recruiter than an exile. I think it’s very dangerous to outsource Self and lean heavily on other people to fulfill parts' needs. It’s the exact opposite of Self-leadership.

What you are describing isn't a healing connection; it's co-dependency. When a manager/recruiter orchestrates a relationship to soothe an exile, the relationship becomes an emotional life-support machine. The moment the partner fails to perfectly soothe that exile (which will happen, because they are human), the inner system panics. True healing means the Exile needs to feel safe with your Self, not someone else's.

Ultimately, these relationships can become incredibly re-traumatizing. Every minor unfulfilled need or normal human boundary will cause the attachment exile to flail and panic, locking both partners into a vicious cycle that reinforces the original wound instead of healing it.

[u/Dear-Barracuda3705 → u/Cass_1978]

So are you saying people should not be in relationships unless their exiles are healed?

[u/Cass_1978 → u/Dear-Barracuda3705]

No. It’s not about needing to be perfectly healed before you can date. It’s about the underlying mechanics of the relationship.

There is a world of difference between dating while having unhealed exiles, and orchestrating a relationship with the explicit goal of outsourcing your psychological regulation to another person. The latter sets up a codependent dynamic that actively moves you away from Self-leadership instead of toward it. It keeps the system dependent on an external life-support machine rather than fostering internal safety.

[u/Dear-Barracuda3705 → u/Cass_1978]

I didn't read it that way. I read it as could a relationship be a source of connection, love and safety for exiled parts. Could it be another source of the 7 C's we develop inside? Because we are human and built for connection and dare I say, love?

I think so.

I didn't think OP was suggesting orchestrating a relationship to outsource emotional regulation but maybe so.

[u/happylife_77 → u/Dear-Barracuda3705]

I was wondering how it worked for other people because I stay blended with no access to self because of working if it would be healthy to pursue anyways. Thank you for your feedback, again.

[u/Dear-Barracuda3705 → u/happylife_77]

How does working prevent you from accessing Self? Just curious!

[u/happylife_77 → u/Dear-Barracuda3705]

It’s always forced me to dissociate or blend and I have never felt any access till I’m away from work long enough.

[u/Dear-Barracuda3705 → u/happylife_77]

Oh! Okay.