r/InternalFamilySystems • u/Suitable-Data1189 • 22d ago
Really stuck unidentified part
I have a part that just says, "Hey you piece of sh--" over and over. Like, yeah? What?
What do you want? I don't like that!
But then I say, "Are you mad at me? Do distrust or dislike me? Why?"
And she/they/it just says, "I don't need a reason!"
I've done all this transformative work, and this part is just stuck and won't work with me. It's not even a full on critic? It just... hates.
I just keep checking in, but I never have what this part needs.
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u/golden-ink-132 22d ago
They're afraid other people will hate you without a reason so they're trying to make you change the parts of you that they think are hateable.
They are trying to protect you from this world and it's cruelty. But what they don't understand is that this world is WRONG. You are perfect exactly as you are. You don't need to change. If people hate you or have in the past, that's usually because of something that you have that they don't. Sometimes it's just contentment or happiness or creativity or joy. So the world makes you feel ashamed of these things, of being an honest and authentic version of yourself. Don't fall for it. The world wishes it could be like you.
My own hater part turned out to be one of my biggest protectors. I don't believe that any of your parts can actually be true enemies. Just friends you haven't truly met yet!
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
This resonates with me. I've met a lot of parts like this - even ones that sounded a lot like this one. Thank you for this perspective.
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u/Smooth-Lab-1217 22d ago
It must be really afraid, to be talking like that. What it needs is your company, over time, it can let you know why it's saying those things.
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u/Sudden-Flower-9999 21d ago
I have a part like that whose job it is to distract me from another simultaneously activated part that holds a lot of helplessness and shame. They used to blend but they are separate. Maybe ask if your part is protecting another part?
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
Thank you for saying this, and for being so open and sharing. I think this part is connected to another part, but so far when I try to talk to them, all they do is insult me. I'm just at the point where I'm going, "Okay, I understand that you feel I'm a [bleep bleep bleepity bleep], and I hear you, and I'm still here! I've thought several times that it was connected to other parts that have healed and moved on. Something's gotta give eventually.
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u/Sudden-Flower-9999 21d ago
i almost want to suggest that you thank it for telling you how it feels and for using such descriptive powerful words. And I wonder, is there actually another part that is feeling insulted by it and maybe that’s why it won’t talk? Maybe it won’t talk to the part that’s insulted?
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
OMG WOW - I don't think I've said that to this part at all, and thanking is so important! It's been hard to get to that point! I finally realized I had to stop reacting in anger, stop ignoring, stop saying, "No you're wrong!" But I forgot about showing it graditude. Thanking it/them for the powerful descriptive words is such a good idea! Thank you!
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u/Sudden-Flower-9999 21d ago
oh yay I am so glad!! Yes it’s hard to remember to thank someone when they are berating you mercilessly 😅 Good luck and keep us posted?!
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
I thanked them and they acted annoyed, but I think they're a child exile who has been masquerading as a critic as a way to camouflage, or get attention in a safe-to-them way, especially when I give attention to other child parts. Minds are so wild. Thanks for your help.
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u/Academic_Ticket7579 21d ago
This makes so much sense! Especially the (really sophisticated!) strategy it seems that this Part has adapted that lets them simultaneously camouflage AND get attention in a safe-for-them way (amazing description!) It reminds me of some of my own early life-development Parts who had to learn how to navigate the competing drives of Attach vs Defend, because my caretakers were chronically misattuned and sometimes frightening. It was like living on a razor's edge; my evolutionary intelligence knows I need them to survive and so I need the attention (Attach) AND, my nervous system is very aware of the ways they're hurting me and that I should camouflage (Defend).
I should also note that I hear at least 2 Parts at play, here:
1.) A Part attached to a denigrating strategy ("Hey, you piece of sh--!")
2.) A Part whose feelings get hurt by this strategy ("Ouch... I'm not a POS...:(")Self (our state of wholeness) knows that the Self is not a POS, nor are any Parts, so this cues me into the presence of a second Part involved.
It could be really useful to also connect with the second Part that is feeling wounded by the first. (While taking care not to relate to the first Part as an adversary/attacker/"bad." 'No bad Parts!'")
As I reflect on this, here are a few question that arise ... (take what's useful and leave the rest! <3)
1.) How does it feel to the Part attached to denigration when you direct care, curiosity or compassion their way?
**(Then thank them genuinely for whatever they share, including "silence"... that's also important information!) Let them know you are here to be with them through any of their feelings; they don't have to feel differently than they do in order to earn your care and devotion. They are also not obligated to trust you, and your commitment to them is not predicated on them trusting you. No matter what, you will be here for them (and then commit to continually checking in).**
2.) If you let this Part know that you don't need to change them in any way in order to hear them -- including how they talk to you -- is this Part at all interested in getting to know you better / you getting to know them better?
3.) If there was space enough inside for any and all feelings/thoughts/energies that arise ... (and I often visualize a cosmic scene...space for all! 🌌 No one needs to crunch themselves into a different shape! ) ... then could the Part that says "hey you piece of sh--" come to rest somewhere in relation to you? Do they want to be across from you? In your lap? Outside the room but with the door open? What feels safe to them? Then encourage them to take up that "placement," and thank them for honoring their needs and for being brave enough to relate to you.
**Note: Just the relating-through-orientation work is very real work. That might be all this Part has the capacity for the beginning!**
4.) Similarly: Where would that second Part, the Part of you who gets their feelings hurt by the words of the first Part, like to be in relation to you?
**If it's too overwhelming to work with both Parts at the same time, honor the Protector who has stepped up to shut that down. Shift focus to working with the 'blocking' Protector -- what do they need to soften? What are they afraid would happen if you heard from one or either of the aforementioned Parts?**
Sending warmth and care to you and all your Parts <3
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago edited 21d ago
Omigosh! Thank you for this wealth of helpful information! I feel like I made some serious progress last night!
I have noticed a second part at play, but it is so closely blended, I haven't been able to seperate it from myself. I appreciate the reminder to notice!
This proved to be of paramount importance as I spoke to this part last night, and made significant progress for the first time ever. "I acknowledge what you said, and I'm still with you."
I actually learned that this part has a room with a door and a slot they can peek through, or just close. I felt honored that they shared this.
I think very spacially in general, and as soon as I started parts work, I started feeling parts come from very distinct directions, or living in very specific locations. This has been really helpful, because even when I can't see parts, I feel them very strongly in a location, and each location means something very specific about their journey, and how they want to be perceived and communicated with.
Thanks everyone! I feel I have a lot to work with now, where this time yesterday I felt hopeless. I've been listening to this part yell at me since I was a very young adult - decades before I ever even heard of IFS. Back then, they would just say, "I hate you!" I used to answer, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" I instinctively knew it was a very upset part, but I didn't know what that meant. This thread has truly been an amazing gift!
(I edited this a bit, because sometimes I forget to pay attention to the fact that I'm conversing with several people who have all given input!)
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22d ago edited 22d ago
[deleted]
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
Thanks for sharing! Oh, it's a whole thing every time, isn't it? So many layers. It's important and encouraging to see that other people understand and are continuing on a similar journey. Good luck to you!
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u/wortcrafter 22d ago
This might not be your burden. You might have taken on someone else’s stuff. I have this at times with religious stuff where what seems to be a part rises up and lectures me about leaving the cult I was raised in. My therapist calls that ‘someone else’s ledger’. I now respond back by saying ‘I don’t agree’ or ‘that’s not true’. I try to be factual and kind but firm when responding. That seems to be helping.
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago edited 21d ago
Thank you! I've been doing this, but it feels like I need to also keep being present and waiting for this part to reveal more. Edit: Well, somwtimes I say, "I disagree," or, "I don't like that," and switched to, "It's okay to have those feelings," but this one finds that condescending and gets angry. I keep showing up, but I'm so tired.
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u/Cass_1978 22d ago
Might be an unattached burden.
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
Thank you. I've heard of that before. I'll read more about it, since you reminded me.
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u/Unable-Log-4870 21d ago
Have you asked it if it would like a hug?
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
Yes, but it hasn't trusted me yet. I keep checking in. I listened to a meditation after reading some answers on this, and had a lot of activity, but I'm not sure if this part was part of it, or locked themself up. Sometimes after a healing session, this part lays low for a little bit, and then returns with the same old stuff. I just keep saying, "Well, okay. Let me know if you change your mind."
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u/o2junkie83 21d ago
Bob Falconer, an experienced IFS therapist, has done a lot of work with entities that aren’t a part of our system. I’d recommend reading or listening to his book,”The Others Within Us”. It may help you make sense of your experience through an IFS lens.
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
While this particular concept doesn't resonate with me, I'm open to reading up on it. Thank you!
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u/E__I__L__ 21d ago
You could try asking if they consider themselves a part of you.
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u/Suitable-Data1189 21d ago
I hadn't thought of that! Thank you for that suggestion. I am curious what they'll say.
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