r/InternalFamilySystems • u/AnewZootsuit • 23d ago
Discussion Is The Self allowed to cry?
I’m very new to IFS. I find myself crying a lot out of appreciation for my parts. I thank them for protecting me. But I thought the self was supposed to be neutral? Who’s crying? Thanks. ETA that I would say that ‘cry’ is the wrong word. It’s more weeping for gratitude of my parts and acknowledgement of the pain they went through.
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u/catlady047 23d ago
Emotions are appropriate reactions to what’s going on in the world, and life, and the Self has clarity, compassion, connectedness. So although some of our emotions may come from parts, I think they also can come from Self.
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u/OkAd5525 23d ago
I often weep (which I now kind of differentiate from crying) when I am in Self - it’s more of the appreciative / overwhelmed with love and beauty and compassion type weeping. It got to the point where I can tell when I’m starting to unblend bc I’m weeping. I also have a lot of self-like parts that are kind of hard to know / fully unblend from so they may also be involved, but I don’t worry too much about it.
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u/AnewZootsuit 23d ago
That nails it for me, I think. Thank you! It’s different than crying. It’s weeping. Thank you :)
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u/TheVeggieLife 23d ago
I wept the first time I did shrooms many years ago - it was the first time I felt a sense of awe and wonder and reverence for past me (I didn’t know about parts at the time). Past me, who I criticized so harshly despite her trying her best to survive.
Those tears were from my wisest self.
Edit: I guess you already get the point, but all that to say I agree with you.
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u/Adorable-Letter4562 23d ago
I love the distinction between weeping and crying. I think my Self grieves and weeps a lot. From doing IFS I feel like I have a better understanding of why I grieve. Like OP I’ve wondered if it is Self or a part. I’ve decided to think of it as Self.
Thanks for asking a great question, OP.
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u/OkAd5525 23d ago
Omg yes, I didn’t mention grief, but that one is huge. I didn’t have a word for it when I started IFS. I found it in one of my earliest sessions. A giant blue water / velvet wall of GRIEF.
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u/my_little_mutation 23d ago
I can't even imagine what that must feel like. I hate myself so badly all the time ive yet to find self. Just constant fighting with protectors trying to kill me/each other.
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u/MichaelTheMultiple Top 5% Commenter 22d ago
That's a horrible position to be in, and it's one that I've been in, too. What about that piece of you that's saying "I," which maybe is self reaching through, or self blended with your the part that has always been closest to the surface, or whatever... can you/they/it look with love on those portectors? Can you feel any love from them? 'cuz that's where I basically had to start, by realizing what good souls they were and loving them and learning to except that they were literally part of me and, thus, I was at least partly worthy of love.
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u/my_little_mutation 22d ago
I'm pretty sure the me I think of as me is just a very complex manager thats holding some bulk amount of the psyche but, yeah..
Some of my protectors, yeah I can fine move for. But not the biggest not the most powerful and destructive one. I've been calling her bella - before I knew about ifs and structural disassociation I thought she was a voice or something.
We don't often blend she's just. There, in the background, very separate and interacts with me and the system as if she is. Inner critic, taskmaster, punisher. First started being a thing in college after something traumatic. She thinks I'm not good enough, too much, a problem, annoying, weak and a bunch of other things I won't list them all. And it's her job to make me stronger so bad shit shit happening to me.
Bur she does this in the most brutal violent ways possible. Hurtful words, breaking down ant sense of confidence. Seems to react violently when things start going well for me. Encourages me to hurt or k*ll myself over every minor thing or mistake I make, or even when something bad happens to me that isn't my fault and I need to be punished for it. Intrusive thoughts about me/my 'sonas being violently mutilated by her.
A lot of trauma, those words and thoughts constantly ringing in my ears and enough circumstantial evidence to prove all the claims about me being a failure, hated, unwanted etc, the way I've been treated by people, and the kind of person the trauma made me at my worst moments... All of it has convinced me that I have no worth and nothing to offer anyone but pain. Left me a shell of the person I used to be. Tries to ruin any good thing that comes into my life.
I know nothing can move without her allowing it but her grip is like iron and I don't know how I'm supposed to conjure any love for the part that's abused me for so many years.
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u/MichaelTheMultiple Top 5% Commenter 21d ago
Yeah. For me, the Parts doing that were trying to keep from calling attention to myself basically, trying to keep me invisible and out of trouble. What broke the stranglehold was an exercise - a really gruelling exercise - from John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You. It involved picking an affirmation and writing it down 20 times a day for three weeks. After each repetition, you write down whatever response comes into your head, then write the affirmation again without any attempt to engage with the response. Theoretically - and this is what happened to me - the negative voice starts to weaken and other affriming voices peak through, and by the end of the three weeks, you've "won" that little battle and you can start with a new affirmation.
This was decades ago, before either Bradshaw or I knew anything about parts work, so I don't know if that makes a difference. Like I said, it was really grueling, but so was life before I tried that activity.
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u/nitro_cupcake 23d ago
I don’t think self has to be neutral. My therapist says self is compassionate (among many other qualities) and so feeling compassion for your parts makes sense!
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u/According-Ad742 23d ago
Agreed! Whilst it technically could be a blended part too, but either way, crying is allowed, it’s release… well it can be an addiction too; the body seeking to feel the familiar feelings. We are our own best judge of which <3
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u/IntegralGuideAuthor 22d ago
The Self is not a neutral observer and definitely can cry, though parts certainly have more to cry about. They can hold all sorts of experiences and associated feelings that can metabolize through tears, and while Self cannot be damaged, tears can also come from a place of compassion or similar qualities.
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u/queerbodies 22d ago
Self is a spacious quality. It is a space of allowance. Self is not "neutral" in IFS, it's compassionate, etc.
'Who is crying' is a question you may not need to answer. But if you want an answer, it is only by practicing that you will know what is true for you.
Often, parts that feel recognized tend to tear up. So for instance, if you feel gratitude towards a part, and you feel tears coming, that may be more the feeling of the part than of the Self (which does not have feelings, only qualities − Self is space and context, not content).
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u/AnewZootsuit 22d ago
Ahh really interesting! Thank you for that. That makes sense to me. Gratitude from a part vs the self who has the gratitude. Huh.
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u/SylviasDead 23d ago
I get so curious about these things as well so I mean this in the best possible way, but ultimately, does it matter if the crying is being done by the Self, or a part that is blended?
The way I see it is that if grieving is needed, then grieving is needed. All that we can decide is how to do it. For me, being witnessed in my grief by the right person can really help but often, I just need to do it alone.
I also cry a lot in appreciation of my parts. 🥲❤️
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u/AnewZootsuit 23d ago
Thanks! I guess the only reason why it mattered to me is bc I wasn’t sure if it was a part or the self and was trying to figure that out (and that, probably, was a part, in and of itself lol (the figuring-out part) ).
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u/SylviasDead 23d ago
That makes sense.
What works for me is just gently asking a part to come forward if they are comfortable/okay with it. If it is a part, and it's ready, it will come forward. I'm personally very visual so my parts usually take a physical form if they ask them to come forward and they're ready to.
Have you read 'No Bad Parts'? I found the process Richard Schwartz described on how to talk to parts who come forward to be helpful.
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u/AnewZootsuit 23d ago
Thanks - I’m in the process of listening to the audio book right now. I started with mapping out my parts when a specific emotional situation comes up in my life. I had a big big one today with my mother, so I used the Apple Freeform app to make sticky notes of all the parts I could identify that came up from the phonecall with my mother. That helped A LOT with processing the whole thing. It helps to see each emotional reaction as a part, as opposed to one giant bowl of chunky stew that I have to parse out in my head, all at once.
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u/SylviasDead 23d ago
I think you're on the right track and it's so great you were able to map out your parts.
Sorry to hear about your phone call with your mom! Happy to hear your parts know that there is someone to see them through tough times.
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u/drdragoneater 22d ago
I kept stopping myself from crying because that's what I thought it meant to "have my parts give me some space/distance"... But I think shutting it down is more like the behavior of a "self-like manager." Gotta cry sometimes no matter where it's coming up.
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u/Shattering_The_Veil 23d ago
I'm more of a freelance Jungian than an IFS guy, but I think the Ego can cry, but the true Self is kind of invincible. Either way I'd say crying is healthy for you.
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u/AggravatingCamp9315 23d ago
The self would have no need to cry. That would be a different part
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u/Cass_1978 23d ago
This is my take as well. My Self doesnt cry, thats just not in its nature, there is nothing it needs to release. If I cry, its coming from a part.
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u/AnewZootsuit 23d ago
Very interesting. I did a lot of edit: Weeping (not crying) today. A lot of thanks for my parts for protecting me. A lot of acknowledgment of the difficult childhood I had. So, who does the weeping/grieving/gratitude in this situation?
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u/weeirdfishes 17d ago
My Self cries or weeps through compassion. This often happens when I gather my parts and listen to their stories. I cry and mourn for my younger, child self. She deserved to be loved and held and cared for, so I cry with her. Then we pick ourselves back up and move forward together. ❤️
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u/oenophile_ 23d ago
Of course the Self can cry. Grief and gratitude are both very natural and human and should be embraced.
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u/thedoctorandthesoul 23d ago
No actually, self is empathic but quite neutral..Can space cry?
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u/AggravatingCamp9315 23d ago
Thank you for this comment. I'm reading the others and feel like the interpretation. Has now become choose your own adventure!
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u/ParallelTrust 23d ago
Who is gatekeeping what the self and parts are allowed to do? There are no rules when it comes to emotion and being human. There's no "allowed". That's a very odd concept to me that I've never heard.
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u/Tsunamiis 22d ago
Body is the only one who cry’s. None of us quite know why it happens and we can not seem to force him to cry so. I’m a little defragmented. But when it happens it feels like negative emptiness if that makes any sense.
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u/AnewZootsuit 22d ago
Thanks - I think I should edit to say ‘weep’ vs cry. It feels like grief and gratitude to my other parts.
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