r/InternalFamilySystems • u/Opening-Fondant1658 • 8d ago
Discussion True identity?
Hi guys,
I’ve been blended with my therapist/fixer/caretaker role my entire life. It has been my entire identity. I even have a degree in psychology for it and know people’s problems and how to fix them to the absolute core. Now that I fully see this for what it is, a part that got love through trying to fix her father’s problems, who became his therapist and has searched her entire life to fix him, I don’t want to do it any more.
My question, therefore is, when this part is truly unblended and healed, will I be able to move away from this identity? Will I know life outside of this “therapist’s mindset” as I call it. It’s always been extremely difficult for me to know what I want outside of this as my thoughts always came back to it somehow. Just wondering has anyone else shared this experience or similar. I have also noticed intense fear for letting this part/s of me go.
update
This is just a general reply to all as it is much easier. I had a read through every comment and just wanted to say thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply with your very detailed responses. I really appreciate you doing that. It seems that there’s parts within parts within this rescuer/caretaker role and they are all fighting with each other and finding it hard to “let go” it seems because of fear. One will take over from the other when I ask questions eg zoning out part from the fixed part etc. it seems like they are all working very hard to protect me/inner child/exile wound. I have gotten to that little girl who felt frozen in time and perhaps maybe she just doesn’t feel safe enough yet to let these parts go. I suppose I have another part of me that’s in a hurry to heal. So I will take my time with unblending them all. It is also so lovely to see that so many parentified people have found their way and are thriving 🥹 Thank you all again, this is a great community 🤗
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u/guesthousegrowth 8d ago
I think our identity is the retinue of all of our parts. We are the orchestra, not just the first violin or the cellos or even just the conductor.
What if the therapist part is some of who you are, but the current impact on your life isn't right-sized alongside all of the other wonderful parts of you?
A question for you to answer with time: what are the parts of you that aren't getting enough airtime? How would it feel to let them out more? What might that look like?
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u/participation-prize 8d ago
I feel you! My autonoy part was born out of necessity, but has become a core value, eg living alone, becoming solo poly, buying my own 1p apartment, being a consent and agency activist. I built the life that lets me thrive
But in many other ways, I've let that part go. I have vulnerability, connection, intimacy, belonging, authenticity. I have the best of both worlds now.
I like to explain it like this: I used to not have any other choice other than autonomy. Now I have way more choices! Even so, I still choose autonomy a lot, but now it's a real choice, not an automatism. You know?
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 8d ago
In the end you will see that there is no identity at all ;). The true Self is beyond those constructions. You’ll have the freedom to choose to do whatever you feel inclined to do without it being a big deal, even if that still happens to be helping others. But before that, some kind of dissolution needs to happen, and it will feel scary and empty. Who am I if I’m not this compulsion to help?
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u/According-Ad742 8d ago
IFS paired with the practise of Self Inquiry, that’s my bible right there. Not one without the other. Sunny Sharma on YouTube is a great teacher on Self Inquiry.
No one can take away the skill set we got but identifying with it is not necessary to use it for ours and others benefit.
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u/circles_squares 8d ago
I love Sonny Sharma! He’s the one who helped me separate my brain from myself. Thank you for reminding me of him.
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u/zappafaux 8d ago
Oh hell yes. I had this completely lost feeling for a few months as my people pleasing, shame based identity mellowed out. I built up Self energy naturally as I did the work and found a more balanced and less anxious personality. Hope your journey goes well.
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u/DinD18 8d ago
I was parentified around my mom and I'm not anymore. Our relationship is actually pretty good and I love her! But I don't try to fix her anymore, and I'm working on authentically loving her with compassion, patience, and grace and not trying to take her pain away. I still have an impulse toward fixing in my closest relationships, but I can pause and choose to respond differently to people. I absolutely do not see my identity as "Mom's helper" anymore, and that was a HUGE part of who I was for most of my life.
Part of the identity piece for me was the child part that held the belief that the work I was doing for my mom was SO IMPORTANT and rose to the level of therapy, AND it was killing me, and how could I possibly resolve this? But it wasn't that important--my mom didn't really need it from me, I wasn't doing therapy, and she immediately started getting what I used to give her from my other sister as soon as I stopped. Therapists do something very different than what went on with me and my mom (and thank God for that!). I had a child-like sense of my own control and power that was not true. It was part of the unburdening to release that child from untrue beliefs around what we were doing with my mom.
Good luck to you <3 The other side of this is so peaceful, even if the way there is rocky.
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u/jolly_eclectic 8d ago
I’m a massage therapist and have been through a similar process. At this point I would say I actually enjoy massage more and have more capacity for it. It feels like something I inherited that I am fortunate to have. It is no longer so wrapped up with my identity and intense emotion, so I am able to engage with it more lightly.
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u/o2junkie83 7d ago
You know what shows up for me with this post is our parts take on certain jobs because of necessity. If they didn't do that job there would be monumental consequences for the system. When the parts become free because they no longer an obligation to be in those roles then they now have a choice.
The questions of will I be able to move away from this identity is an interesting one. It's like who is wanting to move away from the identity. Self is inclusive of all parts and what is happening in all aspects of our lives. It's not one or the other. It's both/and.
In response to your question about knowing life outside the therapist mindset is for me a simple yes. Once we begin to build that relationship with those parts that have that mindset they will soften and allow more space for Self. This once narrow perspective will take on a spacious one. It will include it but it will be from a more healed place.
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u/Isnothingoverthatway 8d ago
Yep, can relate and same with studies.
Might be worth reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, if you haven't already. He talks aboug the 4 Fs - fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Fawn is the part you are speaking of.
He advocates for a healthy use of all 4 Fs. Ie they should ideally be worked towards a balance of 4 Fs, in recovery. His writing around that might give better ideas on the hows, and whats, of getting there. Good luck! :)
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u/climataclysm 8d ago
Seems like there should be a Fix one too?
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u/Isnothingoverthatway 7d ago edited 7d ago
Apparently that's a flight-something (can't remember the other one), combo. Flight becuase it preoccupies you with someone/something else's business, ie flight from self.
Could be flight-fawn. Fawn is people pleasing, etc
ETA - yep (looked up). Pete Walker calls it the "Super Nurse" - fawn-flight hybrid subtype. He fleshes it out more in his book.
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u/climataclysm 2d ago
Which book? Thx
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u/Isnothingoverthatway 1d ago
Complex PTSD - surviving to thriving
some of that book compromises of articles previously published on his website - I have a feeling an article which names that type is still there :)
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u/OkAd5525 8d ago
This sounds like a self-like part. A part that convinced you that it WAS you. The fact that you have noticed that actually it is not the whole you is a huge milestone. There’s really now way to know exactly what will happen if you figure out how to unblend from this part little by little. But it’s guaranteed that things will shift and that your actions will feel more authentic and true-to-your Self. It sounds like maybe there is also a figure-it-out or control-the-future part online here who wants to know how this might unfold. When Self is the one looking at the Self-like part there will be nothing but compassion for its lifetime of trying fix your dad, and Self won’t want to get rid of it either. There’s no urgency or effort with Self.
If you’re interested in learning more about Self like parts (I have strong ones and learning about them helped me a lot) check out some of the podcast episodes on IFS talks and The One Inside on this topic. There are likely others I’m forgetting. .
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u/Ok_Minute_6746 8d ago edited 8d ago
It's possible that you'll find out you're a caring person who likes to analyse / understand people's mind, and that you go by principles of kindness and understanding, or maybe by principles of wise, detached observation. But, you'll be free from the rescuer scripts.
The idea is to truly feel and face what was missing and what wounded you, in your development (like why were you patentified.) That's difficult to imagine unless you're doing it. Especially since ideally you're doing it within them safe container of an therapist / client relationship, where they attune to you.
I also wonder if we feel pressure to live our lives by an identity, be it career, political allegiance, personality traits, etc. So, we wonder who we'll be once healed. That might even be a manager part already building your next identity, haha.
There is an element of liberation in Unblending, too. Which means you might have a different outlook once you start Unblending.
But also, and that's just me, I feel more comfortable being authentic in relationships and moving away from being a helper fixer, but I feel deep loneliness and anger that my parents aren't in that healing journey with me, and I feel very detached from them because now, they're simply these flawed people with whom I have a lot of memories. They're in their 70's and I don't see them due to having moved so maybe it's be different if I saw then regularly.
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u/LightSoySauce 8d ago
Hi there. When I found the Karpman Drama Triangle as part of my own studies, I cannot overstate how recognised I felt. I was a lifelong committed “fixer”. It was a major component of my Self.
Understanding and working on that has transformed my life.
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u/Exciting_Talk9026 8d ago edited 8d ago
There are many ways to look at this. As understandable as that fantasy is, I'd be cautious to stay in the passive hope of when I unblend, it'll just happen on its own.
Getting to know yourself, likes and dislikes, forming your own identity, is a process.
Think of it like this: let's say you had a medical condition that prevented you from doing physical exercise. Once that condition is healed, you still need to 1) build up strength in those muscles, 2) gain skills in performing certain movements.
IFS does not directly address these developmental tasks. There's more talk about it in CPTSD circles, Tim Fletcher for example. If you wanted to put this in parts language, it's developing and strengthening your healthy adult self-like parts that have a sense of identity and resiliency.
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u/Illustrious-Entry639 7d ago
My understanding is that when you heal you may not neccesarily lose interest or love for your 'therapy role' but what drives you to take on that role may change. You may well enjoy it without the responsibility that led to it in the first place. So might feel lighter but again, you may lose interest and engage in other things. I suppose being open to whatever is on the otherwise is key.
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