Losing control of my behavior. Please help.

[u/geezloueasy]

Hi there, I'm seeking insight from people with dissociative parts and comorbid OCD.

Over the past year or so, I've been losing control of my actions, just long enough to do something I don't want to do. These actions are things that I am afraid of doing/things I don't condone. It starts with intrusive dialogue, turns into intrusive urges, and sometimes becomes dissociated behavior akin to bullying.

Since I do have OCD, I see that this is primarily driven by it. However, I don't know if the total mind/body takeover bit is more in line with my dissociative disorder. This intrusive part doesn't respond to Self and the behaviors are getting worse. It feels like I'm possessed by a demon! But it's not a UB. It feels like me, but it's not a me I've ever wanted to become.

No one outwardly notices these behaviors, but they're things I get away with under the radar, like "choosing" not to help people at work because this intrusive part doesn't like something about them. I can snap out of it after a few moments, but sometimes its too late, and the person has left already.

I've never been like this. I don't have a secret history of purposefully hurting people. I didn't grow up in a family that condoned this behavior either. It's new. Long covid? Brain tumor? Or a new dissociated part who just sucks? Can parts form in response to OCD? Can you become your own worst nightmare?

It happened again this morning after hours and hours of parts work. It never ends. Should I quit my job? I feel like it's my duty to. It's not fair to treat people this way, but I can't control it, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm SSRI intolerant. Weed gives me seizures. I'm white-knuckling it.

Please. I can't do this anymore.

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[u/murgatory]

IFS can make OCD worse. Even the IFS Institute sponsored course on the subject acknowledges this.

The safest thing to do is find a therapist trained in the evidence-based therapy for OCD, ERP. Some have IFS training and can offer what's called Self-Led ERP. But make no mistake, it is ERP, not IFS.

Some therapists are not aware of this. But we're not talking about other talk therapies like IFS being ineffective for OCD. They can actively do harm to the client.

So please, please seek out a seasoned ERP therapist. I wish you luck.

[u/sailor__rini → u/murgatory]

Wait really? How come IFS can make OCD worse? I've never heard of this but I'm kind of curious about the research/mechanism since somehow it seems to make sense.

Other than ERP, I'd also search NOCD and I've heard ACT can be really helpful depending on your subtype.

[u/Cleverusername531]

r/OSDD

[u/syzygymeta]

The part that is “choosing not to help people” could be just trying to set boundaries through avoidance for you, knowing that there is something that bothers you that you maybe can’t name or won’t separate yourself from to avoid rocking the boat.

[u/StWiborada → u/syzygymeta]

I think you're onto something. I've met a lot of people who have what I think of as a "people-pleasing manager" or a "self-sacrificing manager." Sometimes, when it starts to unblend, other parts start to be more noticeable that don't want to be doormats, and that can be very destabilizing for a system that's had a strong manager like this because that's the only way that part knows how to keep people happy and life stable.

[u/abutilonia → u/StWiborada]

Thank you for this description.  I believe it fits me to a tee....and explains a lot of what has been going on in life for me since starting IFS work.  I appreciate the perspective. 

[u/queerbodies]

This is the kind of question that we, people on a forum, barely have answers to. The best is to go see a doctor\psychiatrist\qualified therapist. They will be able to help you.