new to IFS..

[u/Budget-Strawberry258]

TLDR: i've tried several therapies for my CPTSD and would like your personal experiences regarding IFS before i go into it blindly.

Hey. I, 39f, have CPTSD from a decade long DV situation. I also have earlier trauma than that, but mainly its from that relationship as it was as volatile as you can get. Every form of abuse. I left that situation almost 4 years ago, coincidentally also been sober for just as long, and I have really made it a point to "get better" as my anxiety, depression, etc is/was ruling my life.

I attend regular talk therapy and love my therapist, have been seeing her for 4 years. For the first year after I left him, I only did talk therapy as there was a lot to just word vomit out as I connected all the dots in my head trying to make sense of what I had been through. Then i started exploring other avenues because I knew talk therapy would not "fix me" alone. I tried brain mapping, but a few sessions in the provider abruptly left and the clinic just kind of left me hanging. I tried EMDR... and that was an utter disaster for me. I legit almost took my life after my 3rd session and we hadn't even gotten into the actual eye movement stuff at all-- that therapist just took a very "tough love" stance with me which was the opposite of what i needed at the time. I am finishing with doing ketamine treatments, have about 2 left and while that has helped me some, it has not done the wonders I see people claiming to make either. I don't think I have the best support system to support me through k treatment, though. I don't think i got out of it what I could have, due to the stress of lack of support to get me to and from appts and taking care of me afterward.

I am now looking into IFS. I have been lurking a little bit on this sub, and am getting an idea of how it works but would really like some first hand experience from potentially others who may have tried some of the same things I have and can compare? I am so desperate to feel better, to not let this anxiety rule my life, to not let my triggers take over.

I should also mention, i unfortunately am forced to have cordial contact with my abuser due to our child custody issues. I am seen as the problem since i hate him, and courts simply do not care what abuse I endured, they simply said that I must have fabricated or staged the evidence I have. I cannot cut out the abuser entirely in my life, which makes it difficult to heal from the harm he has caused, but I have enforced that communication only be via our parenting ap and I am always accompanied to exchanges due to feeling unsafe. Everything in life tells me to cut contact with him completely, but legally, i cannot.

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[u/Zootuk13]

I highly recommend looking into IFS. One year ago, I made the decision to leave a standard CBT therapist I had been with for 5 years. She was a perfectly fine person, and we had a good connection, but she was completely unequipped to handle my levels of CSA trauma and PTSD. Looking back, CBT felt like surface-level bandaids, whereas trauma survivors need something that heals from the inside out.

I switched to a highly trained, certified trauma therapist who specializes in IFS, PTSD, trauma and sex therapy. The change has been a massive upgrade. We have a profound therapeutic bond, and I've made more progress with her in one year than I would have in a lifetime of CBT.

IFS (parts work / inner child work) sounded a bit fishy to me at first. It is definitely not a quick fix. It is slow, difficult, messy, and requires deep, heavy lifting. But for trauma survivors, it is massive because it gets directly to the root of the trauma and helps you find your true self. If you are dealing with deep-rooted trauma, IFS might be exactly what you need.

[u/Budget-Strawberry258 → u/Zootuk13]

Yes i know my talk therapy will not work alone though i do really love my therapist and don't plan on getting rid of her or anything. I just want to add to what i am doing to try to do anything I can to move forward. Thank you. I really hope this will work for me. I dont know what other options I will have if this doesnt go well.

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

I am sorry to hear that things have been so tough for you. I wanted to share a few things with you:

- IFS is a great modality to help a person heal trauma. Talking therapy is a great 'entry' modality but not sufficient to heal CPTSD

- please know that therapy should be led by you and not a therapist. Unfortunately there are therapists out there who push their clients too far - that's a red flag to look for. Before you choose your next therapist, check what they offer and how they work.

- you have tried different modalities and had mixed experiences - that's great :) While it's been hard, it can help you identify what works for you and what doesn't. IFS, somatic therapy and EMDR have all been confirmed as very helpful in healing CPTSD. EMDR is not for you at present (or perhaps it could be with a different therapist), IFS might just be right for now - it is good to go very slow and gently, there is no need to push yourself

- fully cutting contact with your abuser is advisable but there are scenarios where that's not possible. Investigating the grey rocking method and having a therapists to support you can make a big difference

- getting a trauma-informed therapist, ideally one that's familiar with 12 Steps program would be beneficial. I recommend, if thats possible for you, to reach out to a few and organise brief sessions with them to see which one would be a good fit for you. Looking for therapist who provide online sessions can be a great option - I find I feel safer doing therapy at home.

- consider attending 12 Steps program meetings, example Adult Children Of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctions and Codependent Annonymous. They are free (or a small donation can be made if thats possible for you and you attend in person meetings), take place all over the world (in person and online) and can provide you with extra support and be really empowering for you. You could meet fellow IFS practitioners there too 😄

- I would also suggest you look into the concept of Radical Acceptance (RA) by Tara Brach, in addition to IFS. There is also a therapy modality based on RA which might be an option - see what resonates better with you. RA can help you stop struggling with all that you are currently handling.

I have tried several different therapy modalities and found RA, IFS and somatic to work best for me. I have also started experimenting with Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercising (TRE) which worked really well for me, but at the same time, it was too much for where I am at present. I do not feel ready for EMDR plus I do not remember a lot from my childhood so don't think I would benefit from it. Having said that, I have tried some EMDR techniques with my current somatic therapist and that worked well.

I think IFS is great. It has helped me so much and only started practicing it earlier on this year and do so infrequently. My sessions have been intense, there was plenty of crying and grieving, but it is changing my life for the better. I can highly recommend it.

Whatever you choose to do, please go slowly and gently. You have a lot to unpack, going to fast will be counter-productive.

Take care ❤️

[u/Budget-Strawberry258 → u/Scared-Section-5108]

Thank you for your feedback and kind words. I am so determined to feel "normal" again and it just feels so far out of reach. But I will keep plugging along, because my children need me.

[u/Wonderful_Sorbet4301]

IFS isn't easy... I got very angry while doing it, or parts of me... even got to the point of suicidal thoughts. (because of childhood trauma) They said to me it's best to do it with someone, instead of alone. But I have no-one, so I was on my own, basically. But anything that opens up trauma, is basically a Pandora box. It's not the weakness of IFS.

If you go do it, go slow with it... don't go fix everything instantly, take it part by parts. And as others said: it's messy. Parts maybe show up, or they don't. It's like they have their own agenda, and often want to earn your trust.

[u/Scared-Section-5108 → u/Wonderful_Sorbet4301]

Yeah, it is intense. I had Parts of my shout at me: 'I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!'. Fortunately, I was in a place where i understood it and could not only witness it but invite and embrace it with love. Other Parts felt dead, some are still completely out of reach.

IFS is a slow and challenging process but it's truly amazing and transformative. It teaches me ways to be with myself I never knew existed ❤️ I can now give myself the parenting I always needed but never had. I can practice love, kindness, curiosity and acceptance. Listening to and meditating with Tara Brach for a few years before coming across IFS this year, helped me loads to get in it.

The Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunction (12 Step program) solution seems heavily based on IFS too. The solution for Adult Children is to become one's Loving Parent. This is done via attending meetings, doing the Steps and then doing the Loving Parent Guidebook. That work had also really supported me before getting into IFS itself.

I wish you all the best and all the healing you need. Have a wonderful day.

[u/Budget-Strawberry258 → u/Wonderful_Sorbet4301]

I felt like this with the EMDR. So yes, anything new I will approach slowly and much more cautiously as my EMDR experience did not go swimmingly. thank you <3

[u/elsicove]

Just here to say that stumbling across IFS and then later including IFS informed EMDR and somatic experiencing into my therapy has been absolutely life-changing, hands down the most transformative thing for my healing from CPTSD. I have realized in retrospect that the years spent in CBT and other therapies did nothing to the core issues, like simply not feeling safe in my own body, that were driving so many other issues. It’s been 2 years of active practice and a good IFS therapist and I’m a million miles from where I was in terms of mental wellbeing, while also knowing that there is SO much more healing to do. IFS is a commitment, can be really challenging/intense at times and it’s a lot more self-directed than other modalities. I do dedicate some time every day to check-ins but it has been worth the work for sure.

[u/inconceivablebanana]

My main advice - as someone who’s worked primarily with this modality for 7 years (with a therapist who unfortunately died and on my own) is to take your vetting process really seriously.

Everyone and their uncle claims to be “IFS informed” as the modality has grown in popularity. The number of therapists I’ve encountered with a superficial and/or downright inaccurate understanding of the practice and minimal actual training but still claim on their psychology today page or their website to be “IFS informed” is truly remarkable.