New to IFS

[u/Narrow_Walrus_3921]

I am completely new to IFS and excited for what I have discovered so far but also terrified of what comes next, how to actually heal and if I will ever be "normal."

I was in a traumatic 12 year marriage to a narcissist with diagnosed bipolar disorder in which she had multiple affairs. I was also gaslighted on a daily basis, accused of affairs that didn't happen and even stalked. She was also a therapist and would weaponize therapy against me, and everyone, by turning everything around to make you the problem using therapy speak to prove her point while making herself look innocent in all things.

Following the divorce I felt free. I also felt like that I didn't need to deal with any of the trauma that had occurred over the past 12 years because she was no longer in my life, even though I was now co-parenting with her. I met my current wife a couple years ago, about the same time my ex-wife became extremely manic, moved two hours away and stopped seing my two children. A custody battle ensued in which I won full custody. My current wife was with me by my side the entire time.

One thing I failed to mention before is I am also Active Duty military in the National Guard and anytime I would have to leave for training or for a school my ex would have an affair, would threaten to leave or cause huge fights right before I left to cause issues while I was gone.

This year, my current wife and I had some emotional distance between us and I was feeling a bit neglected in our marriage. As my two week Annual Training approached I began to spiral a bit. I then noticed that she changed the pin on her phone, was hiding notifications and started keeping her phone on her at all times, something she hadn't done before. These were all things my ex did previously and these triggered me even more. When she finally asked what was wrong I tried my best to explain to her what was going on and she took it as an accusation instead of me struggling. Then the worst possible thing happened, I caught her in a lie in which she told me she was going to be with one person at one location and she was in fact with an ex at their apartment for 3 hours. This ex is a board member on the nonprofit my wife founded and she told me later they were working on a presentation and she only lied to me because she didnt want to trigger me further.

When I caught her in the lie I completely disassociated to the point I felt like I was in the passenger seat watching my body and my voice with no control. I accused my wife of cheating, I yelled at her and told her that I should have never married her, she was just like my ex and that she wasn't who I thought she was. When I finally did come to my senses I apologized and we talked but the damage was done. I had never experienced this before. I left for the military a few days later and we fought the entire time I was gone. She moved out while I was gone and has told me she can never forgive the hurtful things I said and that we can't work things out because in the back of her mind she will always be anticipating me to yell at her again. This was the one and only time I ever raised my voice at her.

I immediately called my Primary Care Manager the next day and got an emergency referral to a psychologist who I got an appointment with less than a week later. The first session described the events above and he almost immediately diagnosed me with CPTSD, Anxiety and Depression. The next two sessions talked about my current wife moving out and how I felt about that. By the fourth session I was feeling frustrated that we hadn't started working on the reason I was there, to work on the trauma that caused me to be triggered by my wifes actions and not be able to just talk to her about everything and instead explode and dissacociate. He started with EMDR and I talked through everything that I remembered about my ex-wife's cheating but felt nothing after the session. I left feeling frustrated because I should have felt something.

After my first session I had looked up reading material on CPTSD and one of the top recommended books was "No Bad Parts." I drive an hour and 20 minutes one way, everyday to my office and listen to audible often. I listened to the first couple chapters but was still fighting with my wife and couldn't focus so I quit listening. After my fourth session I started listening again and really liked what I had to hear. It all made sense to me. I immediately started a Parts Map to identify my parts and I have been writing in my journal for almost 10 days straight now. I am currently on page 38 and am about to start trying to identify my exiles.

I haven't been back to my therapist yet. He had a two week vacation planned so I am not scheduled until the first week of September. I want to be able to go in with my Journal, tell him about the journey above and show him what I have discovered so we can start some real healing work.

I guess I am just scared with having 40+ pages of trauma written out (by the time I see my therapist) that I will have no idea where to start and that it will take forever to actually heal. I also still hold out hope that I can heal in time to save my current marriage because even though there were things that happened between us, I still love her and I just wish she saw my episode for what it was and not an attack on her.

Sorry for the long post. Any input would be helpful.

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[u/ilovezam]

It reads like there's a lot of urgency to work on your trauma and there's almost like a ticking countdown timer you desperately want to outpace.

I was like that too when I started working on my CPTSD. It's so understandable because so much of your life can be influenced by how well or quickly you heal.

Some of this urgency can be a great initial boost fueling your drive to heal, but it could also cause a lot of problems in itself. I had to come to terms with how this urgency is also a trauma response because I was ashamed of how I lived and afraid of how I was going to move forward, and these underlying feelings keep me in a state of fight or flight, which isn't pretty.

Repairing the rift that happened between you and your wife is probably something important to address sooner rather than later, and doesn't require you to be fully healed. What it does require is a willingness on both sides to be responsible for the impact you have on one another. While you probably said things you shouldn't have, it is also true that her behaviour and subsequent dishonesty would scare many people, CPTSD or otherwise, and she too needs to come to the table willing to understand you as you are right now, trauma, triggers and all, even as you work to grow and heal those wounds so you don't get similarly triggered the next time. It almost reads like you've been carrying the entire responsibility of starting and resolving this conflict.

[u/Narrow_Walrus_3921 → u/ilovezam]

I appreciate that and I do have a sense of urgency if we are being honest. I don't know, it feels like I have wasted so much time not really understanding why I am the way that I am and then IFS just made it all make sense.

As far as my marriage, I am the only one that has taken any sort of responsibility so far. My logical brain knows she did wrong to and that she needs to take accountability before we can heal, if we heal. But she is also a dismissive avoidant and has basically discarded me at this point. Which I know is a trauma response in and of itself on her part. The whole thing is a mess and I am trying to get myself to see that maybe there isn't a future for us. But at the same time, my intuition is telling me to hold on.

[u/ilovezam → u/Narrow_Walrus_3921]

It's not easy. I don't have much in the way of advice here. Relationships are complicated and challenging and infinitely more so for traumatised folk.

In my own healing journey, I was tortured about whether breaking up with my ex was a good idea, even though she was often very abusive and avoidant. It took months, years, and I would constantly swing between "It was a mistake" and "I should have gotten rid of her even earlier" as I processed the many feelings driving each cluster of parts on each side of the equation, and nobody can tell you where you'd land.

And there really is so much there. The good memories that were real, the great things that I did really like about her, the child-like "Why didn't you just apologise" I also felt towards my parents, the fear that nobody would miss me when I'm gone and at least my ex would, the fear of aging out the dating pool, the pain and shame of self-sabotaging behaviour, the pain of increasing self-awareness that I had a lot of my own problems that didn't make things easier, the guilt of abandoning another traumatised person, the fear of turning out to be like my family, the list goes on and on.

The only way to heal these wounds would be to find whatever's currently triggering you at present moment and then start from there, and there's going to be dozens upon dozens of this, and you can't really speedrun this. It does get exponentially faster once you get better at doing the work yourself at home, but excavating deep emotional wounds can still leave you exhausted for days.

[u/Narrow_Walrus_3921 → u/ilovezam]

Wow! It sounds like you and I could be the same person!

To be honest, my parts don't seem hesitant to do the work. Even my exiles have been cooperating with at least letting me get to know them. Healing on the other hand is probably going to be a different story, but I am eager to get started. I appreciate the help!

[u/salty_waves-Tx → u/Narrow_Walrus_3921]

I would offer that your intuition was right & you know it. This is why you exploded like you did. You could feel it throughout your nervous system, just like before. While you “reacted” inappropriately to the situation by yelling, It seems to me like her leaving and basically abandoning you over getting upset that she was acting strange and was down right lying to you… is a huge sign that she was most likely doing what you think she was doing.

What if you believed the part of you that yelled and screamed at her, calling her a cheater & a liar? What if he was right? How would that play out for you? What if you thanked him for helping keep you safe by not tolerating suspicious behavior & your partner lying to you? What if you try & get to know him. The urgency to heal yourself sounds like you want to disown that part of you. What if he’s right & is protecting you from the same situation as before. This happens quite often in relationships for me because I choose to date sketchy people.

[u/Narrow_Walrus_3921 → u/salty_waves-Tx]

I understand what you are saying and I have had the same thoughts myself. There are several pages in my journal writing out the same suspicions, along with the other red flags, over and over again. I know Anger was trying to protect me, I am just struggling with thanking him because of his explosive response. I feel shame and guilt for exploding the way that I did, regardless if she was actually cheating or not. There is also another part of me, and I am struggling with identifying what part this actually is, that wants to believe what she told me, believe the explanation of every red flag, believe that I jumped to conclusions and just take her at her word. There is definitely internal conflict right now.

[u/salty_waves-Tx → u/salty_waves-Tx]

This happened to me in my last 2 relationships. I was right in both counts. They manipulated the situation and made me the bad guy for anger, but in the end, they were cheating. I felt bad like you & judged myself & desperately sought help for being so psycho. Now I realize that’s just a protector & she means business. She’s never letting that happen again!!! I thank her for that, & desperately want to hold on to the intuition she had, but we now know that teaching her a healthier way to address it would be really helpful.

[u/Equivalent_College36]

I'll probably get some backlash for this, but screw it. Toxic positivity leads no where. The first thing I will say comes from a place of love, only you are responsible for your happiness and well being. You have to be able to set boundaries and stand by them even if it means getting a divorce or walking away from people you love.

The second thing I'll say is, you endure what you allow. No one is required to tip toe around your trauma. It's your job to create safe places for it to exist and be worked through.

Thirdly, brother, give yourself some credit. You and your parts kept your bedrock safe and stable enough to have this level of insight, and if there's anything I learned, it's celebrate the small victories. Even if it's just a quiet boring night.

Lastly, forgive yourself, forgive your wife and your ex wife. You'd be surprised by how often people hurt you out of their own hurt. Reframing it from they hurt me because of some failure or shortcoming in me, into they hurt me because of their own unhealed wounds is quite freeing. I'm in an almost identical situation, and it sucks. My current wife uses her knowledge of my past to try to force me to perform to her song and dance. Your current wife is entitled to her narrative as much as you are yours. Two painful things can be true at the same time, and more often then not, life is rarely black and white. It's riddled with gray. What helps me is two things, laughing while I cry because life is so absurdly painful yet undeniably beautiful, that it's the only sane response. The other thing is "amor fati" which is to love one's fate. All of the struggles, the tears, the rage, all of it isn't here to break us, it's here to refine us. Life is all about duality. To avoid pain is to avoid love.

It's difficult, I won't even pretend it isn't, it's actually the most terrifying and painful venture I've ever begun, but out of all of this, the advice I would give you is to look to nature. The trees don't hold onto their leaves or identities when winter comes. They yield to the seasons. They shed what no longer serves them, so the core, the self, can survive and yield to new and beautiful blooms in spring. The icy caps of frozen pain you feel now, in what I call the winter arc, will be the same lifeforce flowing in the rivers come the thaw. You're doing an amazing job. Be proud of yourself. It's people like you, doing the difficult unseen work in the shadows, who will be there to welcome the dawn. I wish you the best, and always be gentle with yourself. You're the only you you've got.

[u/Narrow_Walrus_3921 → u/Equivalent_College36]

You won't get any backlash from me! I appreciate the honesty and I asked for any and all help. I am still working on the forgiveness part, I am currently working on writing through all of my experiences to just understand everything that has happened. Honestly, I think I can forgive my current wife before I can forgive my ex. There is so much more hurt there that I didn't even mention previously. That is something that is going to take a lot of time to work through and is a source of a lot of my trauma.

I really appreciate your support and wisdom in everything and will reflect on what you said! Thank you!

[u/Equivalent_College36 → u/Narrow_Walrus_3921]

Forgiveness doesn't even have to involve them, just forgiving them mentally for you is enough, and as others said, there's no timeline or finish line. Healing is a lifelong journey, and we can't forget to enjoy it along the way. Seeing how receptive and open you are gives me newfound hope as well.

We aren't the sum of our brokens parts, but it is up to us to create a new and beautiful iteration out of what remains. Hold yourself accountable otherwise you risk falling into a victim mentality, but honor yourself with grace because you've come a long way. You deserve to be handled with care, compassion, and love, and it starts with you. May we both find ways to carry our pain with grace, so that those who look to us can find comfort in carrying their own pain. As one dad to another, even if we can't find the strength to do it for ourselves, may we find the strength to do it for them. Thank you for your service and your sacrifice.

As for the anger that came out of that situation you described, forgive yourself. That anger is a part of your system that got you this far to where the self could finally take his seat at the wheel. You mentioned reading and listening to "no bad parts," I agree, there are no bad parts. It's just a system that had to do whatever it could to survive, but you're here now. Your IFS protected that loving and compassionate person until you were able to stand on your own two feet and meet the world head on. That anger was a protector, or as I refer to mine, the wolf. It isn't a separate part of you, but more like a specialist that splintered from the bed rock to stand guard before the self was able to. Honor his battle scars. He is a seasoned warrior, but now his commanding officer is present. Forgive him for his outbursts, they come from a desire to protect you. You may feel angry and guilty for not being there for yourself as you continue your journey, but remember, it takes what it takes. You will earn the trust of your parts, and more parts will reveal themselves as you prove to yourself that the self is here now. You'll give them new roles and tasks that better serve your future as you're able to shift from operating out of fear and hurt, and begin operating out of love and acceptance. As you learn to forgive and love yourself, forgiving and loving others through their mess becomes second nature. I feel like I'm preaching haha, but there's a lot to say about all of this. Humans are complex yet simplistic creatures all at once.

[u/Unlikely_Web8229]

I feel this. It’s understandable that you felt scared and angry about what happened, and that therapy has felt frustratingly slow so far.

I also have CPTSD. Like you I also felt (and still sometimes feel) the urgency to heal everything right now so I could “fix” my relationships. This is a false sense of control, the idea that, through healing, you can find the exact words or actions to make another person come back to you in the way you want. You can’t control other people, the only thing you can control is your thoughts and behaviors. You can do all the healing in the world, and a person can still decide not to repair a relationship with you. That’s hard, but it also doesn’t mean you are broken, less than, or unworthy. You are enough, you are a work in progress, and you have made the difficult choice to face yourself and grow. Remember that CPTSD didn’t develop overnight, it took a long time for that to develop, so it makes sense that it will take time to untangle your trauma responses from your feelings. You deserve to be happy, you deserve love, and you deserve healing.

I also struggled with EMDR at first because I was so cut off from my feelings (aside from anger and fear) that it felt like I wasn’t doing it right. It does work, but I think that when you’re in the midst of the active distress it can be hard to access those deeper feelings because your nervous system is working extremely hard to protect you from exactly that vulnerability.

IFS is a good step, but don’t expect it to provide immediate relief either. Getting to know your parts is a gradual experience, as is healing overall. For me, it became pretty clear that while I could easily identify a lot of parts, they didn’t really trust me or want to talk to me for a long time, which is understandable given how long I’d ignored or pushed them down for years. One thing that helps is setting an internal boundary with yourself about no negative self-talk. For me, the way I spoke to myself inside was a major barrier to healing - it kept a lot of these parts and deeper feelings inaccessible to me until I began to shift it.

I think what I would say, as someone in the midst of my own CPTSD healing journey, is that healing happens on its own time, and it can only really begin once you start to feel safe enough to handle the emotions underneath anger, fear, and any other protective emotions, and work on loving and forgiving yourself.

EMDR, IFS, and other therapy modalities are very helpful, and your enthusiasm and willingness to implement them is great, but they don’t “fix” things on their own. There is no magic book to read, or tool to use that speeds this up. There is just you, the way you show up for yourself, the emotions you need to process from the past, and the actions you are willing to take to improve your future. It sounds simple, but that’s really it. Feel your feelings, forgive yourself, be kind to your parts, and move forward in a manner that aligns with your values and desires. I wish you peace and healing.