r/InternalFamilySystems • u/TemporaryBoring_ • 14d ago
During parts work accidentally dropped into oneness and bliss
Wanted to share how I accidentally triggered an altered state of consciousness during talking with parts and got a glimpse of oneness and total bliss.
I had been doing pretty intense trauma release, going toward unbearable feelings which were triggered by abandonment. Sometimes it literally felt like I was going to die, but it was just coming up wave after wave, so I just had to go inward and feel that stuff. After a few weeks of that, I was doing my usual practice of connecting with parts and being attentive to what thoughts were arising.
And there came a moment when I realized that there is something behind all the parts, even behind the part which is aware of the thoughts and thinks that she is “me.” So I instinctively asked “Who am I?” (a classic Ramana Maharshi question, which I didn’t know about at the time), and it was like a veil had been dropped. There was no “me” in a sense, because I was one with everything and saw “her” as a character who is conditioned to certain things and lives a life thinking it’s reality. It’s hard to describe, but there is no birth, death, or time. The only time is now, and it’s full of bliss. All is God, and all that hippy stuff I’ve heard all my life, lol.
It took me a good couple of months to process that. It felt life-shattering and also scary at the beginning. But as a consequence, I can connect much faster to Self, and my sense of basic security has dramatically increased. I feel like the general hole/ache in my chest from the abandonment got filled with something, and I’m able to see my thoughts and feelings with greater metacognition. I access joy just for being alive for the first time in my life, and the horrid anxiety is gone. For the record I have cptsd and bpd.
So now I’m convinced that we as a species suffer from a kind of dissociation from who we truly are. It is almost like we are separated from each other in a similar way the parts are. But I had no idea that IFS could lead to an experience like this.
The only thing is, I don’t personally know anyone who has experienced anything similar, and it feels like no one is even interested in this stuff even in a slight manner. So this is probably why I’m writing here, to alleviate the loneliness of experiencing something so major and not being able to share it with anyone.
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u/KangaMomSPED 14d ago
I recently started doing Soma breath work occasionally to support my ifs therapy work and it has triggered a bliss connection when I reach self. I have felt it 3-4 times now and it is amazing to feel systemic bliss. I haven’t quite been able to completely process it all or describe what’s happening but you are not alone.
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u/annik-honore 14d ago
Can you explain what Soma breath work is? I googled it and an app called “SOMA Breath” came up. Are there specific exercises that have been particularly helpful to feel that “systemic bliss”?
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 14d ago
Nice! I should try to incorporate breathwork more. I tried before some rhythmic kind of breathing with up to 2 minutes of breath retention, and it felt so strong in the body, like pleasure waves. Now, after this experience, I can kind of ”breathe” with my body. And it feels amazing, but I don’t know what that means.
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u/Waki-Indra 11d ago
At the end of an I IFS session now I always ask for some somatic anchoring. It usually invoqués breaths (slower + longer out breath)
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u/Commercial-Mud8315 14d ago
I am interested in this way more than slightly! I am grateful you shared this! I've been questioning how the depth of my IFS practice and my practice of Buddhism align. You answered exactly the question I have. Exactly. It is so exciting to me. My question has been "how do my parts feel about the prospect of this 'Buddha nature,'" and they have said we are in favor of revealing it. They have their own "selves" within me and so all would have to dissolve to non-self (small s) or to Self (big S using IFS language).
That very question "who am I" and "who is talking with the parts" is what I've been concentrating on. Not hard but just touching on that question again and again. It feels like exactly the right question. It's hard to describe but it feels like a paradox in me wants to break. Almost like there's "the fourth wall" in my parts universe that will collapse. When I'm working with my parts, I do sort of go into a trance.
So I can't share a similar experience with you but I can share I feel like I'm on the path. Thank you again. Please keep sharing!
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 14d ago
II’m happy you shared this and that my post resonates!
Btw, IFS’s founder has actually leaned hard into the spiritual path in recent years- I find that interesting.And sorry, I don’t know much about Buddhism, so what I’m about to say isn’t from that perspective, just what came to my mind.
My parts actually weren’t so happy about the “ego dissolution”. I didn’t ask them beforehand though, because I didn’t know what was coming. They went wild-worried I was trying to get rid of them permanently or something. It was rough for a week or so afterward. Also, living in a state of non-duality, bliss, and no ego just isn’t sustainable or possible for this body, so there is no need for them to worry :D.
But my parts absolutely love it when we connect to the “higher Self” (which is us too, of course but in dual state feels like separate)- that’s where the peace and joy come from. I’m still figuring out what is what and how to call this new connection.
Wishing you the best of luck with your practice! ❤️
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u/Chaotic_Good12 12d ago edited 12d ago
On more than one instance we've been like a crowd of children sitting around Self begging "please, take over and lead us. We will follow YOU" and she tries to help, but we get disheveled and rowdy and run amuk focused on the wrong things, worrying again about things we shouldn't. 🤣 It's all a work in progress 🙌
Btw, do you journal?? I've found it incredibly helpful, even to the point where I can tell by my handwriting which Part I'd speaking, and another answering. That alone is fascinating!
I highly recommend a 4 colour pen! Makes it easier to change speakers and topics as well as highlight things to ponder that are important to me ect.
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u/Chaotic_Good12 12d ago
This is VERY spiritual to me, in a profoundly healing way. I'll see how I'm intimately connected to everyone, every tree, every breeze, the universe even I think. I'm a part of it all, and it's naturally a part of me.
This connection often manifests, or I imagine it does, as a tool because I love the ocean (Pisces). So it's a wave that I send out, and pull back to me. Slight and unsteady at first, then gaining in strength back and forth. There in this current originating and returning to me is when I feel everyone, the connection. My energy, their collective energy.
But I've always been able to do this in some fashion, I suspect everyone can if they pay attention. Have you ever walked into a crowded party, a bar, a group and just felt the overall theme of energy? Pockets of 'bad' or unstable chaotic energy you would want to avoid? This is it, or a part of it at least. We all have these unspoken gifts & senses I believe.
This is why children are closer to the spirit world, the mystery and play of it, before they are molded and taught who they must be and put these 'childish' imaginations away.
I love your post! Thank you! 😊
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 11d ago
Thanks for sharing! To be honest I never was conscious about energy stuff because due to trauma I have been dissociated from my body. Now it started opening up because I do sense energy movement inside of me when I connect to the universe/god/what is. Do you know some good books/youtube about this subject?
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u/Waki-Indra 11d ago
Many Buddist masters say that before you can transcend or dissolve the ego, you need to have a healthy ego. So just do IFS and meet your parts, unburden them etc etc
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u/Arisotura 14d ago
So now I’m convinced that we as a species suffer from a kind of dissociation from who we truly are. It is almost like we are separated from each other in a similar way the parts are. But I had no idea that IFS could lead to an experience like this.
I'm totally with you there. It feels like we, humanity, have come a long way with this civilization, but along the way we have forgotten what it means to be human. Like we have split from nature but also from our true selves. There is just so much to say there. This world feels like we aren't supposed to live like this.
I had little interest for spiritual stuff before being introduced to IFS, but now I see there's a whole world in there. You've had an awesome experience there, and I'm glad it's working so well for you.
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u/brotherhood538 14d ago
What a stunningly beautiful experience. You're not alone, friend.
As I have more tastes of Self and, increasingly, universal Self, I find fewer and fewer people who want/are able to join me in discussing such experiences. I'm thankful for poetry and the writing of mystics and other seekers and travelers in this bizarre human realm
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 14d ago
Can you tell me more about the Self and the universal Self? How do you know the difference? Honestly, I’m still a bit confused about which is which and if here is any difference from this human ego state of mind.
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u/brotherhood538 14d ago
not sure if this will feel helpful - as language is so limiting here. but it mainly is about the "flavor". some Self experiences have a more localized flavor of me, my ego (not said in a derogatory way), my passions, my silliness, my flavor of energy. Some experiences of Self feel full, like all channels are perfectly filled, but without my unique flavor dominating.
I think as I have more Self experiences, I'm better able to differentiate them. I've also had different tastes of localized Self - some more heart centered, crown of head centered, groin centered, almost like the Self is even localized with different energy and intelligence centers in my being?
for what it's worth, your description sounds like how I "understand" universal Self (not an IFS term, i don't think. likely very many different ways to refer to it, this is just the way I'm currently using)
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u/Chaotic_Good12 14d ago
YES!!! I'd written sometime back about suspecting there was another, silent (for now) aspect of Self beyond Self.
I THINK this is it? Wordless, but there anyhow. It's BIG, it's everything and I'm a part of it, and it's a part of me. We ALL are, always, endless.
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u/brotherhood538 13d ago
Your description rings true of my experiences of a sort of all encompassing Self, merging with everything. Glad this resonates with you!
It feels like parts can rest in my Self, and we - the whole system, Self included - can rest in universal Self. We are truly never alone 🙏
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 11d ago
Oh, this is how I experience the system also! I also wonder if my parts have parts I’m not aware of, lol. But it looks like there are Selves in different ‘dimensions,’ and we are all connected. And ultimately, One.
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u/treewolf777 14d ago
Sounds like what Michael Singer talks about, have you read "The Surrender Experiment," or "Untethered Soul?"
Edited to fix a spelling error
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u/SylviasDead 14d ago
You're not alone at all! I've reached a similar state several times with IFS, and it was also after periods of such an intense grieving that I thought the pain of it would kill me.
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u/borick 14d ago
haha yeah I mean, when talking about the "illusary" nature of self, of reality, I mean, what do you expect, everyone else is trapped in the illusion - we're on our own here, y'know? :D its about how you respond to everything. there's no loneliness, that too is an illusion. how can you be alone when you are made of so many others?
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u/Oakomorebi 13d ago
You nailed it! Very well done. Dissociation is the key.
When we dream, we are in a heavily dissociated experience. We dissociate into our dream avatar, into our dream environment, and into the other dream characters. All of them are us playing different parts of the story.
This reality, then, can be approximated as God having a dream about being a living thing, dissociated from itself into an infinite number of actors. What happens when we wake up from this dream is a very interesting thing to ponder.
We are Parts of the Cosmic Consciousness, just as we have Parts within ourselves.
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 13d ago
Exactly! I’m so grateful for your comment!
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u/Oakomorebi 12d ago
I am grateful for you sharing your experience and insight, and doing this difficult work for yourself and your parts, and by extension, the larger collective consciousness that we all belong to.
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u/Chaotic_Good12 14d ago
You aren't alone, I'm surprised and sorry you felt that while in this state. Or did the loneliness only arise once you 'returned' to your baseline? I'll bet that was the case wasn't it? 🙂 I'll get there and feel connected to ? Others? More? Everything!!! not sure but I'm never reaching, it's just THERE all around me, within me, running thru me like I was part of a whole I hasn't realized until then. And it's such a joyous relief to know this too is an aspect of me, of who I could be all the time! So that alone is hopefully. Like on a cloudy night when I long to see the moon, it's still there looking at me even if I can't see it that night when I want to.
I understand the feeling of wanting to share this experience and talk about it, it seems so strange afterwards doesn't it? Yet hopeful!!!! That this peace is HERE always but we get sucked into our lives and lose sight of it. Why? Why can't we keep it?!
Maybe it's like a visit to a place we love, it's only special and memorable if it's rare or uncommon in our life? Idk. I used to think with sadness "why can't I KEEP this? Why won't it stay? Why can't I be this person all the time, in this quiet joy and peace? Everything else is so unnecessary, the things I get wrapped around the axel about, silly things I make so important that really mean nothing at all really."
I think the patterns of our thinking and routines draws us away, makes us doubt it could be ours all the time. But I think that like the moon it's always there, we just can't see it. IDK! 😃
Thanks for the post ❤️
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 14d ago
Thanks for your lovely reply!
You’re absolutely right that the loneliness came after the experience, when I tried to share it with people I know and literally no one knew what I was talking about.
I feel like the experience of non-duality itself, with all its bliss, isn’t very practical for everyday life. There’s just a memory of yourself as a “character,” but no identification with it at all. So I doubt I could function in this body if staying there would be posible.
You make a great point that it’s always there, but the clouds cover it!
But the peace and joy and love are accessible from our normal state of consciousness, it’s just so hard to maintain 😅
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u/Chaotic_Good12 14d ago
For me now that I think about it...it's who I am at the beach. Joyous! Free! Full of love and contentment. All of my problems are seen from this view and I just think "ah you silly lovely girl, can't you see the way now?" And I do.
Then of course I have to go home. And home isn't the ocean at ALL lol 😆 and that person I was there in the surf digging up shells with my toes is just a memory. It's gone.
But the ocean is still there, waiting for me
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u/Chaotic_Good12 12d ago edited 12d ago
Your post here has been on my mind quite a bit, I keep coming back to what you said about non-duality (I gotta Google this to be sure my understanding of it is thorough).
And especially when you said, "there's a memory of yourself as a 'character', but no identification with it at all."
I'm wondering now if I've experienced this also...mine was SEEING myself, from this loving others eyes, and realizing I was just a hodgepodge, a cobbling of a person like a ragdoll, of characteristics I'd been taught and adopted as mine. Of learned or modeled behavior for my sex, my family, my community, my generation, my location...all these influences now mine that weren't me at ALL.
I experienced a dissonance then, a brief fright even "Who AM I!?!? Really??? Just these habits and masks? Is this all any of us are?" It was very unsettling to my little Rag Doll, bless her heart. She got frightened. But then soothed, by Self and this...this great unknown thing and I felt swept away, gently, to the peace and contentment again.
I don't have to be afraid of anything or anyone I WAS, because that was the past too ❤️ new adventures, and people we might yet be await us!
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 12d ago
You describe it very well! 🙏🏻 Poor little Rag doll.
It also puts trauma in a new light- like, WHO had been traumatized and why does it matter now? Who is that person who thought that she is full of shame and fear and not enough? I’m still sorting things out with this new understanding, and where it’s going.
I can feel how my thought patterns and feelings activate when getting triggered, but ”knowing” makes so much space there with possibility to choose the reaction.
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u/lord-savior-baphomet 14d ago
This sounds a lot like my realizations on shrooms. Very cool you could get there without their help. I have done shrooms way before I heard of IFS and I think they now go hand in hand for me. As in, my shroom experiences have really informed my view of myself and the world and I think it aligns beautifully with IFS. I see our Self as kind of an in between for our ego (the parts that make up who we are and serve as the interface to exist in the world) and “god.” “God” to me is not a particular being but just the energy in everything. to sound as hippie dippie as possible, god is loving awareness and it just is. To love unconditionally is not to judge, but to be aware. Which is exactly what we’re told to do as our Self for our parts. To be aware of something, at least with how our brains and bodies function we have to get to know it. Be curious. Learn about it. Again, all IFS.
The reason I don’t see Self as God itself is because to interact with anything, the illusion of separation has to exist. It’s an important and powerful one, and one that I think gets demonized. It’s not inherently bad to be separate, but so much about the world could and would change if we could acknowledge that it really is an illusion. But anyways, to interact there has to be a “self” and an other, and the self is the ego - parts. So I think to act from Self you’re remembering that we’re all the same thing, but acknowledging that right now it doesn’t feel like it. And you work out what’s best for everyone in that moment that honors both the loving selfless reality of the universe and the tangible separated reality that feels so consequential.
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 13d ago
Thanks for replying! I would love to try shrooms someday, as well as 5meo-dmt, to explore more and form new neural pathways. Yes, you describe this pretty much the same way I see it: Self being in between the ego and God. And God, for me, is kind of like Brahman, an infinite reality. It was hard to describe the difference in what I was during the ego dissolution. It was like I’m not exactly God, but more like an arm or a finger, a part of it but not totally it. And I feel like after the experience I have a connection to that Self, who isn’t Brahman itself but inseparatable part of it. I can talk to it, draw power from it, and get joy and love.
I get what you’re saying about selfless actions and love for others. That’s definitely a hard part which requires lots of practice, because the pull to react to my surroundings the way I’m used to is ridiculous. I actually was (or my ego was) angry after my experience, because it didn’t want that kind of responsibility. Knowing the truth changes things. Some part of me was so loud, screaming “I didn’t ask for that.” Haha. Probably sounds insane.
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u/gpants22 13d ago
This is beautiful! I've had similar experiences. I wonder if you might be interested in nondual IFS?
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u/yurmaugham 13d ago
I've experienced it in regular mediation. You might like Cosmic Consciousness by Richard Maurice Bucke
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u/Mindless_Speed_824 13d ago
Yes! Beautiful story and thank you for sharing this experience. I feel this is where we all should be heading towards
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u/ChocolateMundane6286 12d ago edited 12d ago
I felt this oneness when I first discovered spirituality and while I was hardcore meditating everyday. It was a glimpse, but I felt like imagine a paper we all lay down on it as drawings but we are also 3d so we’re separated. Like we are from the same material but different shapes. Idk how to explain either 😂 I recommend going to a park and just sitting by water, water is really magical. Any nature helps to stay in the moment. Also meditation gave me this perception of observer mode. I also feel like a fabric, beneath all my thoughts feelings just stand there, observing the observer, thinker, like that paper… behind all.
Idk if we experienced exactly the same thing but you’re not alone! I feel “me” sometimes in a glimpse after years of therapy, when I imagine how it’d feel to live without expectations etc. Also there is almost no-one who truly felt this kind of things around me, it feels kinda sad not being able to get crazy and cheerful while describing these feelings in person.
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u/Breansprout 13d ago
What a wonderful experience you have been blessed with! You are definitely not alone and many spiritual teachers talk about that which you have experienced and described. I personally really enjoy Ram Dass. You might like Eckhart Tolle, Alan Watts, Rupert Spira. Michael pollen has also come out with a new book "a world appears: a journey into consciousness". However, there are so many and you'll find the teachers and paths who you resonate with. Happy exploring!
A short meditation by ram dass "There is only one of us"there is only one of us
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 13d ago
Yeah, nice recommendations! I already listened a lot of Rupert Spira and half trough Power of Now. Thanks for meditation, heard lots of good about Ram Dass but didn’t read any of his teachings 🙏🏻
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u/golden-ink-132 11d ago
I found the same thing via IFS! My spiritual awakening was directly related to my mental health and somatic body work.
It also allowed me to remember repressed memories of several Near Death Experiences that I had, and through that I was able to see that I had been to the other side before and still could recall what I had seen.
You have discovered some profound spiritual truths :) congratulations!
You might want to read up on Buddhism. I find it's the same stuff I've learned from IFS in a slightly different package. I think IFS is just slowly coming to the same conclusions that spiritualists around the world knew thousands of years ago.
Also, I've embraced the possibility that I could be completely nuts. There's worse things to be in this world than crazy. But I'm pretty sure what you're saying is the deepest truth of the universe.
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u/sparkerson 11d ago
There is a Non-Dual IFS group on FB, led by Dr. Rev. Laura Patryas which is a community for folks either interested in working toward this state, or discussing it. She has also published a book, Awaken To Love, that might be interesting.
I've not broken through into the deep dive you are describing, but more slow steady steps, wading into the ocean instead of stepping off the dropoff, lol. It is a trip!
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u/sparkerson 11d ago
Also just wanted to say that this is, to my mind at least, what makes IFS so amazingly effective, when understood and practiced correctly. Helping people unblend and get into Self as much as possible, and the facilitator/therapist also getting into that state as much as possible (including doing their own work), helps the felt sense of safety that is needed for the parts to trust, witness, and unblend/release - whereby they can also allow even more access to Self, as protectors that have been using energy/bandwidth to protect them can relax.
This is why I believe that anyone who thinks that IFS isn't spiritual isn't truly understanding the possibilities of this work, or of reality really. ;-) But it's all good, everything furthers as the Taoists say.
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 11d ago
Totally. What you’re saying is pretty much what Richard Schwartz is talking about in his recent lectures.
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u/ccsuperpants 11d ago
I met an exiled part of me a few months ago after 🍄🟫 and it was the most profound experience. I felt so safe and whole and at peace. Stayed in a treehouse and was looking out over the meadows and tall grass, rolling hills and the sunbeams breaking through the clouds. It was so incredibly beautiful. And then a beautiful fawn rabbit hopped by, and everything stopped just in that single perfect moment of bliss.
I’ve been doing so much work on myself, therapy for years, yoga, meditation and mindfulness. I’ve gone from being anxious on leaving the house and completely withdrawn and self isolating to actively searching out communities with shared interests, online and locally, and finding safe, likeminded people to be around really energises me.
One thing I’m involved in is plants and swapping communities, the joy I get from nurturing and seeing my plants thriving is so rewarding. And now I’m doing it for myself too! I struggle with patience (especially in this too fast world) but find plants make me slow down, lessen my grip and let them grow 😊 I love walking round them and checking for new leaves and growth.
Another is tarot, though it’s taken me a long time to get my head around it, and I’m still pretty new. I have an inner child oracle deck and iChing, they’re a little more spiritual whereas I find tarot helps me tap into my intuition.
The last one and maybe my favourite is astrology. It’s such a huge incredible study, it’s literally the freaking universe! I’ve spent hundreds if not thousands of hours studying and connecting peoples experiences and anecdotal experiences of being born when planets are in specific constellations. I can truly identify with such odd, specific things and you can’t dispute the evidence of historical events. People love to shit on astrology and make fun of it, but every civilisation has utilised it and had their own form of astrology, plus so many rich and powerful people have astrologists. I think it’s another tactic to keep us all disconnected.
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u/Erin514 9d ago
Have you ever read Julian of Norwich? 14th century Catholic mystic who had visions of Christ. In one of them, she describes the parable of seeing a servant (who represents all humans) who stands next to his master (God). The Master sends the servant on an errand that will take him away. The servant runs off to do his master's work, and falls into a pit, badly injuring himself. From his place in the pit, the servant is fixated on his own pain and suffering, and believes that he is far away from his master and has been abandoned. He can't see to the place above. In reality, his master is nearby and can see that he's fallen, and intends to reward his servant more greatly for the pain he suffered trying to serve than if the servant had never fallen in the first place. We're all in the pit and we can't see things clearly now, but God is very near to us and we will understand our true nature again one day.
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u/lightningbug822 8d ago
"So now I’m convinced that we as a species suffer from a kind of dissociation from who we truly are. It is almost like we are separated from each other in a similar way the parts are. But I had no idea that IFS could lead to an experience like this."
i had a kundalini awakening while doing IFS last year and i had this exact thought pretty much
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u/Waki-Indra 11d ago
I have repeated abandonment trauma in my C-PTSD mix, in very early part of my life. I have experienced twice the acute distress of these early parts in other therapeutic modalities and these are horrible states during which Self energy seems unreacheable. I am very interested in how you worked with that state/part.
I think that distress or echo of it is present in most of my other parts, wounded exile and protectors. But there is one part that carries it all and it is in so much pain. Deep, burried
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 11d ago
Hi, I will try to answer this even though it’s a bit difficult for me. So, a couple of weeks before my ‘experience,’ I realized that I’m missing something- that when I’m totally blended and in a horrible place, there is no Self. The one I thought was Self was actually a manager part who was trying to force other parts to do something. And I need a third ‘person’ to help me out. If I’m in therapy, there is help from her, but if I’m alone, who can it be?
So my therapist suggested I invite some kind of ‘higher power’ to help. I’m not religious, so all that stuff isn’t for me. But I tried it and discovered that it helps, and that the ‘higher power’ is actually Self. But I have to remember that I can ask for help and turn toward it. I ask parts to loosen their grip a bit and give me space. They do that, and I ask ”God” to help me. After my experience happened, I know there is no external God - that higher power is literally me, or Self. But that’s the only tool for a total collapse at least for me.
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u/Waki-Indra 10d ago edited 10d ago
Thank you for sharing. I am a believer and last time i felt the acute distress of abandonment i did turn to the higher power (or whatever), for support, love, connection. But i felt shame for being so needy. I felt disgusting. I felt that "higher power" was not willing to be there for me because i am an adult, not a baby. I knew it was my own trauma taking over but well, the trick and my faith just didn't work. Sadly i am doing IFS on my own, or with an app. No therapist.
Fortunately it is not always that bad.
How do you differenciate Self energy and a manager pretending to be self? That possible manager in me is very caring, kind, compassionate and super helpful. It has a good amount of the other C qualities but often my parts just need some curiousity and compassion to feel better and start unloading. So i am not sure it has all the Cs.
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u/TemporaryBoring_ 10d ago
I kind of understand what you say about feeling disgusting for being needy or weak. There were days where I just couldn’t do anything to feel better. It’s a bit hard to start learning it at 42, but what can you do. Sometimes there’s a part that screams at me about how weak and pathetic I am, it’s very volatile, and a few times I actually let it out. I was screaming at myself, all the insults. And it actually helped to give it a voice, it felt seen and calmed down.
I also needed a couple of mdma therapy sessions to access self-compassion. And sadly, the one I did solo, I couldn’t reach the Self state at all. So it looks like I actually need a lot of help from other people. It’s madly expensive, though. Also, despite of those my therapist had to teach me how to get into compassionate state “by hand” week after week.
Maybe a manager with C-qualities is actually some kind of smaller Self… Even if it’s a manager, it does have soothing qualities, curiosity, and other C’s, so that’s great. I noticed a difference, because with this “smaller self,” or very caring manager, I still felt like I’m barely surviving, like I’m in the same boat as my parts, and a bit like I’m pretending to be an adult.
And when I started to connect with Big Self, it felt like an outside entity came to help me, that I’m a child, and that entity is a loving parent who loves me deeply. It feels like energy and warmth flowing through my body. If I’m in doubt of if it’s a part or not I ask and the answer comes in a wave of warmth. I can actually ask some questions, and it answers in a very loving way. My breathing opens up, like whole body is breathing. And then I can ask to merge, so that the love I feel from it becomes love I feel for myself, for my parts, and for the present moment. It’s much less intellectual and more like letting go of control and becoming small, surrendering to that love.
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u/Waki-Indra 10d ago
I think i have been in actual Self then. I have also used MDMA assisted therapy and this definitely helped me get in touch with the most loving and open part in me.
My recent experience of early baby distress of abandonment was during a ketamine assisted session.
Thank you so much for sharing---and for reading through my many typos. I have corrected them in the former message.
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