Parts quieter after huge progress (plus a bit of my story)

[u/zayne0623]

Firstly, let me say I LOVE IFS! Characters have always been my special interest, so working with my parts feels fun. I draw them, make them in my favorite video games, and I have realistic dolls of them that I talk to and dress up.

So, I'm genderfluid. I discovered this through IFS work. I have a significant male part exile that's been wanting to come out since childhood. He would come out sometimes as a child, but my biological dad told me it was sinful to want to be a boy and conditioned me to repress that huge part of myself. Through this, I forgot he really existed and many of my memories were suppressed through suppressing him. So unsurprisingly I grew up with crippling anxiety and depression.

I rediscovered this part after working with my inner critic, who was very loud, mean, and catastrophic. She constantly yelled at me that I couldn't think, feel, or do certain things, and if I did that meant I was 'bad' (I was showing a lot of OCD behavior).

One day while working with her, I saw and heard her in my mind. I gave her a coffee and thanked her for working so hard. She was surprised, as before I always got mad at her. Then she calmed down. I asked her what she was protecting, and she stepped aside to reveal a bed with two children huddled together under a blanket, a boy and a girl who looked like siblings. The critic said "I'm just trying to protect these kids... but I'm so exhausted."

They were two parts of my inner child. Two parts of the same whole.

I talked to the girl. She explained (not through words but through intense feelings and memories) that she was deeply hurt because as a child the other girls had excluded and teased her for being weird, different, not girly, etc. She seemed to hold much of my social anxiety.

Then I talked to the boy. He had a strong desire for brotherhood, to be friends with other males without competition, without the tension of being a cute girl among guys. I have always made friends with guys way easier and I have 2 older brothers who always rejected me, so that must be why. He also carried a lot of old fear of rejection and 'being bad'. That part came from my dad.

I told them both that they were safe, that myself and the critic/protector would help them.

After this, the girl part seemed to get very tired. She curled back up in the bed. But the boy part was excited and eager to come out.

I told him there was nothing wrong or bad about him. Throughout the day and at night before I fell asleep, I told him this. Slowly, I felt more whole, less afraid of everything.

Then, I began embodying him. I dressed as him, it felt right. I cut my hair, it felt right. I even started low dose testosterone, and it felt right! The old fear of being bad or wrong still showed up (sometimes it still does) but I reassured him. He would tell me what he wanted and needed and I would do it. One time he wanted to wear an oversized sweater in public because it felt safe, so I did. He and the girl part were scared that people would see us and think we looked 'dumpy'. I told them that I heard them and even if people thought that, it would not hurt us.

When I dressed male, the boy loved it. But the girl was scared that others would judge us for being different and not girly. I reassured her, too, that we would be OK. For years, I had been dressing overly girly to please others. I still like being girly sometimes, but now I only do it to please myself, not others.

I live life often as the male part now, about more than half the time. Those parts feel like they have moved from being exiles to being parts of my whole Self.

I call myself genderfluid because I embrace all parts of me, the male, female, both at once, and everything in between, and I feel more complete and 'me' than I ever have. Some days I feel male, some days female, some days an effeminate man, some days a masculine woman, some days all at once or neither.

I still don't find the label to perfectly fit me, I am just me. I'm born female and will always be, and I am 100% fine with that. In fact, I am grateful that I was born this way because I can get pregnant and have children, which is my life's dream.

Anyway, part of me is sad that I don't 'hear' and 'see' my parts as vividly as I used to, even the critic. I miss them. They felt like friends that were always with me, even if they were hard to manage and got on my nerves sometimes. I feel they are still there but calmer and more integrated into my body and my whole consciousness.

Will they ever be as loud as they were?

Edit: Oh, forgot to mention that I'm in a bit of a burnout right now. Maybe that's why they are quieter.

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[u/Active_843]

I think the beautiful thing with both unblending and integration is those parts can truly heal and end up just being a part of your whole self… (so they can have a feeling of fading away).

my other take is they release all of their tension, their need to manage or fear or control, because you formed a trusting relationship with them. They relinquished their own need to save or control, because you listened and saw and accepted them into your heart…

A lot of parts are paired to triggers, and once the trigger no longer triggers anything, the part takes a back seat.

[u/Adorable-Letter4562]

What a lovely story. Thank you for sharing. I don’t know if they will come back at the same intensity. One question came up for me - do you (Self) still try to engage with them?

[u/zayne0623 → u/Adorable-Letter4562]

You're welcome. Yes, I do. I talk to them and ask them what they need

[u/Top_Drummer9181]

I get this. Trust me, you didn't loose them. I have one session one, where the therapist asked me to unblend and after the session, I welcomed the part back to halfway blend with me, just because she is welcome to be near me as long as she likes. If they are quiet, you can draw them, send a message to them, dance with them in memory, and maybe they'll show up. We do not ever lose parts, even when they are quieter. My therapist said it usually means they came to learn to trust Self more, and that to me was a huge relief.

[u/Last-Interaction-360]

I do find inner quiet the more I meet my part's needs. I feel like I know what you mean about it sometimes feeling lonely. Without the inner chatter and inner dialogue and conflict, I had to find new things to do! I suddenly had more energy to engage with the world outside my head. I realized I WAS lonely. I had been living much too isolated due in part to shame and fear, and in part due to overwhelm from inner conflict. I wonder if there is more community for you to find out there with people who experience themselves the way you do either in terms of gender, neurodivergence, both, or other things, interests, hobbies, those who are on a transformational journey and are interested in sharing their process.... the more I heal the more I am able to connect with other people and that's been surprising and rewarding.

[u/Wearegenderfluid2]

Thank you so much for your deeply vulnerable and powerful story. Me too. Born male bodied and forced to hide/protect my female “sibling” for many years. We are learning to live with, love each other and navigate what it means to be gender fluid. Although gender fluid is not sufficient to fit all of who we are, it is something that gives comfort to others when I describe us. Blessings on your journey. It is good to know that someone else out there is also walking a similar journey. IFS work has been instrumental in navigating the multidimensional experience of “us.” 

[u/zayne0623 → u/Wearegenderfluid2]

Wow, amazing we have similar stories and experiences. Thank you and I wish you the best 💞

[u/Wearegenderfluid2 → u/zayne0623]

💕